freaks

Disgruntled menfolk standing outside monsoon with their arms huffily folded across their chests, woman barging each other around the entrance of Next at 7am. The smell of mint imperials wafting throughout M&S........Yes it's 'The Sales'. Way too traumatic for me, I'm staying here where its safe and I have a box of Matchmakers constantly to hand.

FFS - We can all reach for the dream

This website for a firm of solicitors is bordering on hysterical. Check out the bontempi organ music, click on their faces and they each have their own "signature tune". I especially like Mr Brennan who is clearly "wacky" (for wacky, read a cunt who is no doubt a virgin) .

I love the fact that one of his credentials is that he can see Old Trafford from his bedroom window!

Would you instruct this shower?? Their blurb has the worst grammar and spelling EVAH! For the love of God!!..............

http://www.fletcher96.freeserve.co.uk/

Happy Christmas

Everyone needs a bit of campness in 'em; even the Messiah

Enjoy:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gw3eP2JPFIY

don't mention the ashes

I've resisted the urge to bitch for several minutes now as we again snatch defeat from the jaws of...erm....defeat. Still could win the next two and snacth...erm...a ladies handbag

Farewell, Adieu, Auf Weidersen, Goodbye

Bloody marvellous innit - circa 1940s we didn't want them anywhere near us, but 60 years on and we don't want them to leave. As of Wednesday the lederhosen will be packed up and the strapping Germanians will be back off to Germania *sniffs* - no mulled wine, no big german sausage, no sauerkraut, and worst of all no german cheesy techno and Europe's the "Final Countdown" - der der der......der der der der der........

Until another year mein Herr!

*wanders off singing "We'll meet again"*

*realises it's probably not the most appropriate song*

*sings Dad's Army theme tune instead*



*oh*

Call the police there's a mad man around, run him down, underground, to a dive bar in a west end town

Police have revealed today a woman called 999 when her pants wouldn't zip up - they'd a helicopter hovering over my house at all times in that case.

Plus paramedics on standby over the festive period..................

Tinernets aren't Us

Evilfairy you mongaloid! Sort out the links to "I am rob" and "Holy Moly" FFS

much love

Havers x

Flu-watch

Have pulled stomach muscles with coughing so much, and have now progressed onto Beechams "All in one". Have fake tanned and packed maxfactor for tonight but I think I wil still be resembling a precocious reindeer come 7.30pm.

I want my mum to make me chicken soup and look after me

.........for the record I am not Jewish

Pensioners, Students OUT!

Picture the scene, an hour for lunch and purchases to acquire from a well-known chemist that also stocks a range of sandwiches and festive fayre. Office workers move quickly and sensibly from chilled goods to checkout with store card and appropriate remuneration ready.

*sighs*

What we don't want to see is non-workers, casual shoppers and the like who let's be fair usually consist of the above group, sauntering along and fucking browsing like they're on an open-topped bus on a sight-seeing tour of that London place you read about. Yes, 3 for 2's are good, yes I know you have as much right to be here as the rest of us, but FFS GET OUT OF THE TWATTING WAY! Injuries enshue, much tutting is had all of which makes for bad karma.

Soooooooo, how to end all this. I have considered euthanasia as a viable option but the answer is simple: No non-office types in town betwix the hours of 12-2. You have no job, probably pay no tax and therefore do not contribute to society as much as we do. Go home, watch Vanessa, then venture in around 2pm for some shopping. Just make sure you're home for Paul O'Grady at 5pm, cos that's when we finish innit

Gay-Flu

Is a bitch. Fine all December and 2 days before the xmas bash come down with this shit. I intend to drink hot toddies all night for medicinal purposes and then dance like an embarrassing dad

*does the Time-Warp*

By the way Boots "Bronchial Cough Mixture" has the texture of tar and the taste of turd. Stay away.

Good to have mypartnerincrime back from that Canada though x

doug do you get a semi when you see brad pitt?

So good to be back in Rule Brittania.

Flooded lane this morning but the hosepipe ban is still in place

Water voles are to get full legal rights and will no doubt vote for William Duncan-Cameron

Jennifer Saunders wins BBC Sports Personality of the Year.

Is it me?

At least in British Columbia they spell 'centre' correctly, the kids wear hoodies for the right reasons, an inch and a half of rain doesn't bring the country to a halt and they get Queen Victoria's birthday off work - the things that made the empire great.

We on the other hand have to be subjected to criminals thrashing us at our own game and Brussels (yes the sprouts are on) stopping us from enjoying our national dish - roast beef, cod & chips, tripe - take your pick. At the least the Frogs have no influence in Canada.

Oh...........

FFS!

Australia win the second Ashes Test by six wickets and go 2-0 up in the series after bowling England out for 129 in Adelaide. Ah well, we've only got to win 2 out of the next 3 tests to draw.



oh

*trashes Walkabout*

*waves goodbye to Ashes*

I'm sure it's what she would have wanted

Whilst the crisis in the Middle East rumbles on, the situation in Iraq grows ever desperate and Teflon Tone increases the supply of Trident missiles, am sure we can all take comfort from the fact that the Spice Girls do look to be reuniting for Diana "Media Whore"'s tribute concert. "The girls have all been waiting for the right opportunity to come along and this is it," a source told The People. "They agreed they would only do something extra special - so what better than the Diana concert?"

What better indeed. Am sure as the doe eyed headline grabber sits on her cloud with head slightly cocked, she will be delighted to hear that 5 talentless bints know as Old, Skeletal, Scouse, Baby, and quite frankly, loud-mouthed-common-as-muck-carrier-of-Eddie-Murphy's-child will be "Zig-a-zig-arr'ing", will cheer her up no end.

Give me strengh.........