It's the end of an era: *adds Nestle to "The List"*

Lion Bars are to be axed!! Ok, they looked like a nutty turd, no doubt broke many a tooth and had the consistency of glue, BUT they were ACES. The fuckers had made them smaller mind; much like Curly Wurlies and Wagon Wheels, but this is yet another part of my childhood that has been ripped from me and cast aside like a used Kleenex (#)

*sobs for the children of the tomorrow*

Lionbars: we salute you!

# - what the FUCK is Serg Matt Boyden from the Bill doing advertising these, FFS!

is nothing sacred?

as march 17th approacheth, it seems the Deloren group (or whoever it is who owns Guinness these days) isn't making enough money so have launched (wait for it) Guinness Red - the same bitter burnt wood taste only lighter and sweeter.

Is red the new black? is this the start of Stout alchopops? Can I end a blog without the Australian habit of turning everything into a question?

Next they'll be after me lucky charms begorra

'viva are kid'

There was a moment as we waited for the annoucement of whether Manchester had secured the Olympic games when we held our breath and believed for a moemt we could do it. Well all the hurt can be forgotten as it was announced today that Manchester will be the site of the UK's first ever super-casino. The winning bid organisers said it would regenerate a poor area of east Manchester, promising a £265m investment and 2,700 direct and in direct jobs in one of the most deprived parts of the country. The casino would be based at Sportcity in the Beswick area of Manchester (class), close to the City of Manchester Stadium, now used by Manchester City FC and built for the Commonwealth Games. The proposed site will also contain an entertainment complex with a range of facilities such as a multi-purpose arena, a swimming pool, an urban sports venue, restaurants, bars, a nightclub and a hotel.

Blackpool Council is said to be bitterly disappointed, shouldn't that be bitterly disappointing?

Who the hell chose Beswick for the site? I can already see bag-heads queueing up to mug the lucky punters as they leave with their "unlimited jackpots".

So get, get lucky on a one arm bandit inside , get stabbed by one outside, it's a funny old world ...... I'm sure there is a tenuous link in here somewhere about City and chances of winning something being increased.

here's johnny

Swing low, sweet chariot

Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot

Comin' for to carry me home
I looked over Jordan and what did I see

Comin' for to carry me home

A band of angels comin' after me

Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot

Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot

Comin' for to carry me home

*I'm doing the actions*

colonial convicts

As a sign of things to come the Hooded Claw has bought me Le Crueset cookware for my birthday. I'm am now actively looking for a younger model after rediscovering my mojo on Friday night!

The combo of Burns Night/Australia Day was obviously too much for me...........amongst others

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0GpCU3RIxI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zOKwM8Wcu0

silence is golden

Me and The Hooded Claw watching the 10 o'clock news last night (he's 28 now and getting more interested in adult programming)

HC: This country is f ked isn't it

Me: Yes. Lets move to Canada

HC: We've too many commitments here

Me: It would take us a couple of years anyway so what's the problem?

HC: A dog and 4 cats

No wonder I've got athletes foot

defence condition

There are five such stages and condition three means that all forces, including nuclear forces, go on a high state of readiness.

DEFCON 1 'War operations'
DEFCON 2-4 'Crisis Operations'
DEFCON 5 'Peace Operations'

This means that I have to concede that cheesy 80s movies can have an educational bent.

Skeletor and Derek hit the States

Wax doubles of Thick n Thin have been unveiled at the New York branch of Madame Tussauds ahead of the couple's impending move to the USA. Derek's is pretty convincing but Pepperami Spice looks fuck all like her, as the media whored talentless bint is not fucking pouting!

Jesus wept - literally

The Church of England has launched a text message service to encourage more people to participate in Lent. Aimed at people "who might not go to church" it is part of a multi-media campaign including colourful booklets (crayons not included) and an interactive website. It is backed by Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury and Dr John Sentamu, the Archbishop of York (a sure fire winner then). Mobile phone users will be able to register to begin receiving daily suggestions for actions to mark the season. They include giving up your place in a traffic jam or queue (not likely), having a TV-free day (what no Corrie! now that's blasphemy), taking part in an environmental clean-up (picking up other peoples discarded kebabs), watching the news (I thought they said no TV? Not like the Christan's to contradict themselves. Hmm....eye for an eye/turn the other cheek) and praying about what you see (Roy Walker of the pulpit), or leaving a £1 coin in a shopping trolley for someone to find (easy for the Alzheimer sufferers). Launching the campaign, Love Life Live Lent, the archbishops said the small actions could add up to make a bigger difference. They said: "It's all too easy to feel we are powerless to make a difference. But the truth is, with God's help we can change the world a little bit each day.

Except, of course, if you're in the gays, in which case you are going to burn in hell regardless

Modern Day Trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it....full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy

chicken lickin'

Dr Feelgood reports that I may return to work once th'pox has scabbed over (nice). 9 on tummy, 3 on leg, 1 on face (I've scratched it) and 2 dangerously close to the fairy flower. I can also report that Body Shop Coconut Body Butter is not a suitable substitute for calamine lotion; but I'm sure that there is a marked somewhere on t'interweb for a webcast of chubby fairy getting out of warm bath all pink and scaly, smearing on butter, hoping around bathroom when perfumey effects of said butter get into pox and jumping back into cool bath with scratchy buffer.

All in a days research; we do it so you don't have to..............


*no children were harmed in the writing of this nonsense*

mckeithed

I'm not currently in the dogs 'cool book' after putting the Hooded Claw on Dr Jillian's sprout water and fetid tea diet....

il est pleut

Still the hosepipe ban has been lifted, so I've watered the lawn and washed my car this afternoon and there's nothing anyone can do about it............although leaving the hose on whilst I had my lunch may have been a miscalculation.

Little Johnny Pimpermain is back!

Little Johnny Pimpermain was feverish with excitement, today was special Wednesday and on special Wednesday Johnny and his father spent the day alone together down in the cellar. Today they were playing pirates.

So why was Johnny chained to a rack? And how could his father breathe in that leather mask when the mouth was zipped up?

You can catch the rest of little Johnny's adventures in 'Little Johnny Pimpermain & the Mystery of The Fishy Camels Hoof' available now in all good bookstores.

(c) A Rowland 2006

who'd of thought I'd concur with the septics?

new years revolutions

1. Not laugh at people less fortunate then myself (this includes Britney Spears)

2. Not to contract leprosy

3. Sort out my bowels

4. Grow some veg

5. To overcome OCD put th'ipod on shuffle *gulps*

me? I'm staying at home to polish my brasses

Some, perhaps, more seasonal weather for the UK over the next 48 hours. Yes, a little rain, but also gales and a wintry mix for higher ground to the north west. Some heavy rain is likely across western areas today as the front passes through. Behind it the air turns colder for a time, even allowing showers to fall as sleet and snow down to sea level in the far north, however areas below 500m in northern England will see rain. Turning to tomorrow, a deep, potent area of low pressure rattles in from the North Atlantic and heavy rain will spread in quickly from the west during the early hours, reaching all areas by the morning. Wet weather, combined with widespread gale force winds, reaching storm force along exposed coastal and higher regions could bring some light disruption, especially where the strongest of the winds combine with the morning rush hour itself. Into the weekend and the unsettled weather continues with a growing risk of a cold snap (60% confidence) early next week. Looking forward to wind speeds of 31-40mph tomorrow with 4.2mm of rain and a real feel temperature of -1

Big Brother in the shit

Sooooo, dumb and dumber, namely that vile bint Goody and vacuous scouse bitch Lloyd are bringing BB into the shit with claims of rascism. Having stayed clear from this year's "celebrity offering" I can't comment first hand, but after seeing some of the comments, how stupid do they have to be to think they could say "Indians were thin because they were always ill as a result of undercooking their food" and moaning that they didnt know where "Shilpa's hands have been" and topping it all off by mocking her fucking accent in some fake "Love they neighbour" 70's sitcom-esque styley. I'm surprised the dozy fucks haven't roped in O'Meara (who's no better) to "black up" with Jermaine and do a remake of the Jackson Five

Whether or not it constitutes rascism (and we'll leave that one) or just girls being bitchy about someone who is infinitely more refined, classy and intelligent them then is another matter, but they combined naievity is truly astounding.

A friend of scouse "WAG" Lloyd, said that the suggestion the housemate was racist was "absolutely absurd". "I've known Danielle for five years now and not once has she had a racist undertone in her voice ever," she told BBC Radio Five Live, whilst pulling on her white hood, clutching a burning cross.

To Messrs Goody et al, for having less intelligence and sensitivity than a single-celled amoeba, you get what you deserve: GET OUT!!

use it or lose it sisters

http://www.yougov.com/users/registrationintro_ref.asp?refid=436211&jID=3&sID=1

It was never like this with Dimbleby

Soapstar Superstar!!?? Don't make me laugh! At Question Time we got free sandwiches and a nice chat from Dimbles.

It didn't get off to a good start when we were asked in the queue whether we were "normal" (how VERY dare they). Things did perk up however as we got to have a pint in a mock-up of the Rovers Return. Despite extensive searching, I did not find Betty's Hotpot. The bar promptly shut however and then we were ushered through to a holding room where FUCK ALL happened for about an hour. One by one more people got let in. It was like being last to be picked for games at school.

Enough was enough and Mr Havs and I upped sticks and left a la "come on Leonard....we're off!". Evilfairy and her plus 1 then got in but I will leave her to inform you all about that....

Incidently Mr Havs is now known as "2 moves" being as he wanted to floor the production guy and said he could in just that: "2 moves"

It's in the bag ladies!!

Cock off Daz Sampson, burn your leotard Jordan, and watch out Lordi, cos that cheery popster Morrissey looks set to be representing us at the Eurovision (well possibly). The sunshine filled songster is said to be in talks with the BBC to write and possibly perform a track for this year's contest in May.

I'm sure with such uplifting tunes as "Hang the DJ", we've got it in the bag........



..........oh

To be fair I've never been a fan of the man, but I realise saying this is akin to spitting at Auntie Betty for some people, so I have to admit I do love this little number.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OWXIWqXwQA

Wave the pink flag!

So, amidst some raging dog collars, Daily Mail readers and a splattering of Muslims, the Sexual Orientation Regs get through the Lords. Unbelievably, critics have objected to these on the grounds that a "Christian, Jewish or Muslim printer could be forced to print a flyer for a gay night club, or a teacher would have to break the law to promote heterosexual marriage over homosexual civil partnership" - FFS!! It's not to "promote" a civil partnership OVER a hetero marriage, it's just to make the teachings equal.

I realise this blog is rarely serious (you haven't noticed?), but this really pisses me off. Prior to the regs there would be nothing stopping a hotel owner from saying to Derek Faye and Leonard Mincing "cock off lads, separate rooms or on yer bike". So to Messrs Tebbit et al, GET OUT!

Apologies for the semi-serious rant; normal service will now be resumed..........


..........'kin homo's ;-)

x

We've done it so you don't have to.............

After Dame Judy Dench the head of MI5 announced today that the public get get eMail updates of the terrorist threat level against this septred isle the 'Haversham Northwatch' have signed up for e:mail updates and will happily pour scorn, I mean keep you advised of 'what's new' at the home of Britain's security services.

Incidentally they are currently advertising for security officers at £22,750 per annum...freel safee now?

www.mi5.gov.uk - we are currently at defcon 4.8

I've started so I'll.............

God bless him, Magnus Magnusson has passed on and as he's my second favourite Icelandic Scotsman I'm most upset. I hope in his honour there will be a resurgence of people who name their children almost identically to their surnames, Neville Neville, Robin Robinson, erm my nan, Rose Rose and of course those bouncy wops the Mario brothers, Mario and Wario.

In other news, "JFK dead" and "the sun is hot"

Soooo Ian "H" Watkins is officially in the gays. No shit! H (which apparantly stands for hyperactive) said "I could never have done this [come out] years ago, never ... But I'm comfortable with who I am now and I want everyone to know."

The 30-year-old reportedly told his friends and family nine years ago, but did not want to disappoint female fans. For the love of God man, it was hardly a secret, you big, gay, mincing, queen!!!!!!!!

You may be gay, but you are, and always will be, an annoying cunt, you attention-seeking-big-brother-wannabe-winner-twat.

cheese bored?

Hot toasted rubber fist, coated with thick man cream
Double anal cherry with toppings of pain
Hot dark cellar coating, with scrumptious arousing screams
This isn't just food
This is S & M food