If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,' Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well I can't be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley Remand Centre awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man in the cell with me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on his forehead and is serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder.
S Hymen, Risley Remand Centre
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the an*s. That's not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona
I have recently started to m*sturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am g*y, straight or a p*edophile. What do your readers think?
D Barclay
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley, Barnsley
£1 a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b#stards.
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An*l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts
S Hymen, Risley Remand Centre
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the an*s. That's not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona
I have recently started to m*sturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am g*y, straight or a p*edophile. What do your readers think?
D Barclay
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley, Barnsley
£1 a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b#stards.
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An*l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts
According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm
sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach
It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the
living room carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol
I see in the papers that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
This Value Added Tax is a rip-off. I was expecting a great deal on a car the other day, and I ended up having to pay an extra 17.5% for it. There is no way that's added value. If anything, I'm about three grand out of pocket.
Jon Cooke, Leicester
The suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield
I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can
only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor s*ds?
John Campbell, e-mail
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach
It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the
living room carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol
I see in the papers that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
This Value Added Tax is a rip-off. I was expecting a great deal on a car the other day, and I ended up having to pay an extra 17.5% for it. There is no way that's added value. If anything, I'm about three grand out of pocket.
Jon Cooke, Leicester
The suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?
Magnus, Sheffield
I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can
only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor s*ds?
John Campbell, e-mail
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds
debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.
Gary Beergut, e-mail
It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast
I have just spent three hours making custard using Delia's recipe and it's a triumph, in that it tastes just like Bird's Instant.
A.W. Thompson, Email
I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great sh*g. Thanks again.
Baz, Bondi
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
How come my gran survived the horrors of the Blitz, but has been so badly traumatised by the clocks going back that she can't stop banging on about it? The stupid whispy-chinned b*tch.
Anon
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