Hard to imagine Huw Edwards doing this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAcU3HSMKPU

Fair play to Mika I say.

Most-of-septic-tanks-thick-as-pig-shit-and-obsessed-by-oxygen-thief-talent-vacuum SHOCKER!!!

I hope you got molested by a butch lezza Hilton, I really do.

As sure as night follows day.....

"Come on T....."



oh

there's a shocker - useless, foppish, robotic voice nonce

Henman out of Wimbledon. Pack.It.Up.Fella

MANCWATCH

Manchester Cathedral was first consecrated for St Denys (that's where you get Deansgate from) as following the Norman conquest the Frenchies had quite a foot hold in former Mamucium.

So that finally settles the muffin/barmcake debate.

What with the garlic munchers and the Romans these so called 'Mancs' should eating petit pain and ciabatta.

pants

One in 10 people wear their underwear for three days in a row, a peep into the nation's smalls has revealed. And a similar percentage of people has owned a pair of knickers or underpants for more than 10 years research from Manchester Metropolitan (not even a real university - oh that's where I went)

Ahhhhh glad to see my taxes spent so well! Cure for cancer out of the question then?

*picks up DailyMail*

Wannabe Ska' boy sees the light

Celebrity Big Brother "stars" Chantelle Houghton and Samuel Preston have split after 10 months of marriage.

"After much soul-searching and tearful discussions we have sadly decided to end our marriage," a statement said.

In other words "we can't keep up this cash cow forever, let's bail out now".

I can't dance....

Phil Collins is separating from his 3rd wifey after 6 yrs of marriage. Well, you "Cant Hurry Love" Phillip can you?

Repulica Mancunia

The Roman fort of Mamucium was founded in AD 79 as a communications post between Deva (Chester) and Eboracum (York) The site was chosen at modern-day Castlefield because it overlooked the point where the Irwell and Medlock rivers converge. Mamucium means Br£ast Shaped Hill, referring to the sandstone ridge where the fort was placed The Romans spent 300 years at Mamucium, building four forts, the largest of which accommodated 1000 troops Mam became Man, and Castrum (fort in Latin) turned into Chester.

So that settles it.

You're all Italians.

Mariah F ing Carey

Mariah Carey: "I'm Losing My Ass" - "I've been working out like mad - you can even punch me in the stomach and feel how tight that is". Oh my love, dont tempt me. Lets work on losing that voice shall we ?

crackwhore

ridin' dirty

.............the £70 million that the government has spent on drugs & drink education since 1996 has had its success measured as slight or non existent and even counterproductive. "We've seen over the last 10 to 12 years, particularly among young women, (Campbell & Richards) our consumption of alcohol has virtually doubled. "We are also seeing across the whole of the UK a dramatic rise in the amount of cirrhosis of the liver that's caused by chronic drinking and we are now the fastest growing country in Europe in terms of alcoholic cirrhosis" said someone in a white coat.

'bruvs, wot u talkin bout??? bumba clat u get my blud, innit me bredren'

I suspect this is nothing to do with a fresh white sliced!

Nowt "pure" about my "ring"

A 16-year-old girl is in the High Court to accuse her school of discriminating against Christians by banning the wearing of "purity rings". Lydia Playfoot (aces name!) wears a ring inscribed with a reference to the biblical verse I Thessalonians 4:3-4, which translates as:-

"God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin"

SWEET JESUS LUV!! Get yersen on a local park, wear an abundance of makeup a la Katie Hopkins from the Apprentice, drink a bottle of 20/20, Thunderbirds [insert poison of choice here], stagger behind a bike shed (do they still 'ave 'em) with "Tyrone" cos he's "well fit innit" and kiss that cherry goodbye!

*wanders off muttering about kids today*

I'll get my coat

• http://www.britishexam.com/uktest/#exams

easier to adopt an african baby

Mein Kampf publishes views of rascist shocker

Yep following the death of Bernard "eee I'm not rascist, I've got friends who are gay/black/jewish" Manning, that epitome of right wing tory drivel the Daily Mail has published his eulogy, which the rotund monobrow wrote himself apparantly.

He said the term racist was "just an easy, catch-all term of abuse bandied around by the media elite" against those who did not follow its "agenda".

Wha' the fuck??! Of course it is Bernard, in the same way that Hitler was just "having a laugh" with the jews.

Good ridance, you git

Pop the Cherry

No doubt as a result of my lengthy letter of complaint Kipling's have removed the claim from the DeLIGHTful Cherry Bakewells that you 'wont be able to taste the difference' between them and the full fat variety.

A pyrrhic victory, I know, as they still taste shite and have the ability to dry out your mucus membrane at the first bite; but a victory for this pedant nonetheless.

Still it pales besides the great McFluff fruit &nut/fruit&fruit campaign of 2001.

And so it begins....

Michael Barrymore has announced he has retired from Panto.....he did Alladin a few years ago but it's come back to haunt him......

next

Davestock Part Deux

Nice

Eproctophilia - a fetishistic attraction to human flatulence. Usually men attracted to women's farts. James Joyce was an eproctophiliac.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gLP4QkflB-o

What Makes Britain Great

In a 'Jerry Maguire' you got me at hello moment, when TB finaly came rund to my way of thinking in his first of no doubt a zillion auf weidersein speeches, I remembered why I'd fallen for the whole 'Britpop' shenaghains in the first place.........

The prime minister says that this country is the 'greatest nation on Earth' and Brits are 'special'. American-born writer Tim Dowling couldn't agree more - and here's why
Friday May 11, 2007
The Guardian

Your amusing national hypochondria

Despite its comparative cosiness, Britain has an unshakable view of itself as a nation that is forever falling to pieces. If you watch the television you see a crumbling health service, falling educational standards, rampant gun crime, infrastructural chaos, economic meltdown and a fractured civilisation well beyond repair. Look out the window, and you see someone throwing a stick for a dog. This might not seem like such a great advertisement for a country, unless you have lived some place where it's the other way round.

Your weirdly old-fashioned radio
Does any other nation continue to float programmes such as Test Match Special, Gardener's Question Time and The Archers purely on an inexhaustible bubble of collective affection? Even if no one listened to them any more there would still be an outcry if you tried to cancel them.

The world's least scary police
It's not just the lack of guns or the breast-shaped hats; British police, alone or in groups, are almost incapable of maintaining an aura of menace. They can be officious, patronising, incompetent, dishonest or bigoted, but they are hardly ever frightening with it (although I'm not a Muslim). The postmen are more intimidating. This may not help their clear-up rate much, but as a foreigner I find it particularly endearing.

The silliest place names
Sometimes, during traffic jams, I play a game in the car with my children and the map, asking them to guess which of a list of local place names I have made up: Craze Lowman, Hand and Pen, Pant, Droop, Trull, Splatt, Gussage All Saints, Hole, Shitebowl Episcopi. They always get it right, because I am not British and therefore cannot begin to imitate the sublime purity of oddness.

Your genuine lack of patriotism
One of the things that Britons can be most proud of is, perversely, the fact that they don't take an unseemly pride in being British. Unlike the Americans and the French, the British seem well aware that patriotism is largely an attempt to take credit for national achievements - a written constitution, haute cuisine, jazz, impressionism - which you have done nothing to foster, support, advance or preserve. Britons instead have a sliding and inclusive scale of belonging, in which it is possible to be both a Scotsman and a Londoner, or both a Yorkshireman and a terrorist.

Your enduring fascination with some of the planet's least interesting weather
You have to admire a nation that manages to make the most of so little. Apart from the occasional toy-town tornado, all you really have is rain interspersed with brief sunny spells, which are known locally as "droughts". The change of seasons is all but imperceptible: winters are uncommonly mild, and summer routinely fails to make an appearance at all. There is nevertheless a charming sense of collective surprise and wonderment at minor accumulations of snow or sudden gusts of wind. It's not unusual for an item about lost roof tiles to make the top of the six o'clock news. Whatever the weather, it's nice to be among people who care, and not just because they are afraid their cars are going to be sucked into the sky and dropped three counties to the south.

Your chequered past
While it is an easy-going-enough place, one never has the sense that Britain just sort of fell into the routine of constitutional monarchy without having tried anything else first. Many countries are stuck with a form of democracy that is still considered by a portion of the population to be a dangerous experiment. The United Kingdom is in the happy position of knowing it had finally exhausted the other options.

Your long tradition of moaning
Visitors to these isles could be forgiven for assuming that the expression "Mustn't grumble" is actually a local truncation of the longer "Mustn't Grumble Any More Than We're Doing Already, Or It Might Get Depressing". The national non-reluctance to complain (not face-to-face of course, but after the fact) means that everything is always a little bit better than you have been led to expect.

The lack of competition
Britain may not automatically spring to mind as the greatest nation on Earth, but who else has a credible shot at the top spot: France? Paraguay? Please. I defy you to come up with a country that deserves the title more.

Del Boy falling through the bar
I don't know why, exactly, but it's on everyone else's list, and, frankly, I felt shifty about putting it this low down

Nipplegate

enough already

This is because I moved north from the land of my fathers

"Beauty contest officials chose a model from Stoke-on-Trent to represent Birmingham because they could not find anyone pretty enough from the city. Miss Great Britain organisers picked Sophie Wilson to represent the city in a heat despite her only connection being an ex-boyfriend who lived there"


oh dear

The Fallout starts

Vacuous bint who now appears to have found God has been droppped from her agency. Endeavor, which has represented The Simple Life "star" since 2005, made the decision on Friday when Hilton was sent back to prison. She's like a British Jade Goody innit, albeit considerably richer. Go on luv, through a bit of rascism in to boost your image - I dare yer.

Davestock 07

I'm grounded.

Public Service Announcement

I may have been a smigden in absentia in the past, but my partnerevilfairy is having "tinternet problems", hence why I'm carrying this sinking ship of late.

Just in case yer wondering...........although as me n her are the only ones who read this deluded drivel, I now realise I'm talking to myself.


oh dear

Rugby Players Act Gay Shocker!!

Taken from that highbrow channel ITV2 and Generation Xcess, these "hetero" males arent gay; good lord no, it's just "manly rugger bugger stuff" innit. Of course it is you bunch of homs.

Sandbach came top of their league, so what better way for a bunch of straight mates to celebrate then to get naked and play with others cocks, nips etc and have a bit of snog. Bless 'em. Their wives/girlfriends etc should twig on when Tarquin wants a scrum in the bedroom and calls her Ollie when he's giving her one up the wrong 'un.

GET OUT (of the closet)

BB Rascist? Surely not!

I bet Channel 4/Endemol are banging their collective noggins on the desk after self-styled Tory toff Emily (who let's not forget is a student/waitress) let this gaff go last night:-

"Are you pushing it out, you n**g*r"

to Charley Uchea, while they were dancing in the living room.

Cue hasty eviction of the rascist bitch who thinks she discovered "indie".

At least she has her friends to defend her. Check out her mate who has kindly posted on Facebook:-

"What the hell are you on about 'dirty racist',she was obviously blatently (sic) joking, it's not a big deal, it's only people like you and people who have got so strung up about little things
that the person did not mean in offence that have made this country so god damn politically disgustingly correct! URGHH political correctness will be the downfall of ENGLAND. Don't take everything so seriously, learn to take a joke and have a sense of humour or you'll all end uplike that idiot Charley".

Emily et al, is this you?




So eloquent and reasoned methinks. I'll be sure to tell the blacks, gays and jews to get a sense of humour next time Combat18/NF [insert right wing fascist group here] are giving them a right kickin'.

I fear for the future, I really do.

*shakes head and wanders off muttering*

Slow news day in Mancunia today

From the beeb's website:-

"A man sold his parrot after growing fed up with her foul mouth, only for her to return a few days later - in a bag of cheese and onion crisps.

Thomas Sleigh and his wife Michaela, of Stockport, Greater Manchester, decided to get rid of Molly when her swearing got too much for the family.

But within days of the naughty African Grey being sold her image turned up as Mr Sleigh tucked into a bag of crisps.

"It's almost like Molly has come back to haunt us," he said".

.......A crisp looks a bit mishapen shocker

In other news, Elvis dead

Bag of bones is woman of the year

I laughed when Sharon "2 kids in rehab, and one too embarrassed to be on TV with you" Osbourne won mum of the year, but the celeb world has certainly gone off its glitter encrusted rocker when Glamour Magazine appoints the human lollipop Woman of the Year.

Glamour Editor, Jo Elvin said of the award:-

"For the past 10 years, Victoria Beckham has been of figure of fascination. She has successfully reinvented herself from pop star to devoted wife and mother to successful designer and business mogul".

WHAT??! She married a footballer, traded off his name, had a couple of rugrats, and pouts - the end! I'm sure with her second-to-none skills she doesn't compare with poor Michelle from Wythy who raises an army of banshees on tuppence ha'penny, whilst her "devoted" hubby beats her daily for not having steak n' ale pie ont'able for 5pm sharp.

Business mogul?? BUSINESS MOGUL??! Business fucking MONG more like. She's hardly Sir Alan is she!!?

ARE YOU READING THIS JO ELVIN? ARE YOU??!

GET OUT!

Cowell goes insane?

"Singer" Dannii Minogue and choreographer Brian Friedman are to be judges on the next series of The X Factor? FFS. Leaving aside Brian (very unfortunate name for one so incredibly good looking), Dannii "I cant spell my name properly" Minogue, being a judge on the X-factor is like asking Peter Sutcliffe to be a rape counsellor. I think the pint sized, big breasted, fame hungry wannabe is just a tad under qualified.