Tuesday, July 24, 2007

NORTHWATCH


RYANSCARE: FAQ on Ryanair's website 'Can I bring a self inflating life jacket' 'Yes, in your checked luggage'. Not much cop if the driver, whilst taking you to the wrong airport, crashes on the way. To be sure.

GRANTMITCHELL: Ultimate Farce? Get the man some M&S magic knickers *does military hand signal*

PUPPYWATCH: We now only refer to tinkles and poops. Lord help us

NORTHOUTRAGE: Price of pint set to rise at Ramsbottom Working Men's Club by 15% which will bring them in line with 1966 prices. Form an orderly queue.

HASSELHOOK: David Hasselhoff is to appear in panto this Christmas playing Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan. In this 'revisioned' version, Hook warns Peter not to go swimming by the pier but Peter ignores his advice and has to be rescued by Tinkerbell, a shapely blonde in a red swimsuit.

SPOOKS: According to a group of psychics John Lennon has written a new song from beyond the grave, the loonies claim to have contacted the former scouser/conceptual jap lover for a pay per view séance in (yes you guessed it) the US. Lennon's lyrics were revealed a sure fire Christmas number one....'Around the world we are all alike, so why is there war? Why do we fight? There is one sea, one sky. One earth, you and I.' Apparently he also dictated the terrible punctuation.

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