restores the faith

BBC news last night - On receiving her GCSE results a girl said 'aw, I fawt I done worse than dat'......

the grade.... A

the subject...English

Miss H packs the nap sack

Yes, I'm away now for 2 whole weeks (well almost). Blog updates will be sparse therefore (even more so!!). I am sure you'll cope without me and I'll leave you in the capable hands of evil fairy, whilst Mr Havs and I recharge the ole batteries

x

Doherty free - AGAIN!? FFS!

How is this possible?! Yes the pus stained, sweat ridden darling of the "alternative crowd" has been released AGAIN after charges of breaching his bail conditions were droppped.

Is his dealer the magistrate, is he "main lining" with Auntie Betty!!?? JUST.BANG.HIM.UP.!!

the english language

I was watching North West tonight. They were interviewing the parents of a little girl who has just been allowed back home after a heart transplant. I think they were from Wigan, but I could be wrong. They certainly looked like they were from Wigan. Anyway, wherever they were from, they want shooting. First they described the girl as "our little miracle". Which, if you think about it, makes no sense. A miracle is an event or an act, not a person. But OK, I let that one slide, as it's a commonly-used phrase in circumstances like this, and I appreciate that their emotions must have got the better of them. But then - oh, God, it's making me seethe even now - when asked how the little miracle was doing, the mother said, "We're really pleased. She's weller now than she's ever been."

Weller????

She's weller now...????

Perhaps she's had a heart transplant from an ex member of The Jam. That is the ONLY excuse available for that kind of language.

I turned over I could bear no more

Whatever happened to a binge on 20/20!?

Gone are the "good ole days" of being sat a park with 20/20 or some equally vile poison of choice. A teenager has been taken to hospital after overdosing on espresso coffee, AND she was from County Durham FFS! You perhaps understand it if she was called TIffany from that London.

Apparantly she began to develop a fever and began hyperventilating after downing seven double espressos while working at her family's sandwich shop. - oh get her!

For the love of god woman, open the gin, smoke 40 fags and come back to me when you've got some balls. You should be ashamed of yer sen!

Yeah, it's a killer that Starbucks (*)

* - other coffee outlets are available

is it me?

University of Western Australia has wasted time, money and resources studying fish oil and the benefit to co-ordination. I've been taking it for fecking years and still can't walk in a pair of wedges after 2 pints of cider (ice in the cider).

Jeez, wait until I get my own show on BBC3

Also, its only 20 weeks until Christmas

We have gone too PC

They just don't make adverts like this anymore

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6mGfqJAt0s

Prince

The concert was totally amazing, the O2 arena is aces and I saw 2 members of Coronation St, on the way down - what more can you ask for.

Being in that London however did confirm my suspicions that there are some friggin numpties. Had to queue at the merchandise stall for AGES to get my "symbol" pendant, which is fair enough BUT the queues were made infinitely worse by middle-class farquahs who, when reaching the front of the queue, THEN decided to browse!!

Was in a rage, I tell thee. Mr Havs and I had to have a sambucca or 2 to calm down

Finger on the pulse!

I've only just learned that Mike Reid is dead! FFS!!

Las Vegas of the North

Football-loving children in a Blackpool street have been warned to stop their kickabouts or face fines of £50. Letters have been sent out to homes in the Bloomfield area of the town, near Blackpool Football Club, warning that playing football in the street is illegal - outrageous!............ As if anyone from Blackpool as even seen £50!! BTW Dr Who is switching th'illuminations on 31st August.

*sings Land of Hope of Glory* - A ban on exporting British beef, which was imposed in 1996 to prevent the spread of mad cow disease, has officially ended - HAVE THAT FRENCHIE!!

Sean Connery's ex-wife has written an autobiography, and in it makes claims that Connery used to beat her. TBF it is Bond - whether he's hitting you or humping you, you know you're in for the ride of your life. Besides, it's impossible to be mad at a guy who has a watch that shoots lasers out of it.

His Purple Majesty

Yep, Prince is imminent. The ipod is loaded, the clothes are washed and ironed, the train and hotel is booked, and I am as giddy as Chris Langham in a playground. With reviews like this, I cannot wait:-

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6927548.stm

Will no doubt come back with a lighter bank balance after spending a fortune on t-shirts, pendants etc trying to convince myself that I'm in the NPG