PHLEMWATCH

BRAIN&BODYENERGY: lucozade contains citric acid, sodium benzoate, sodium bisulphate, caffeine, acacia gum, ascorbic acid and betacarotene. No wonder I'm feeling chipper.

DWARFWATCH: In Bangkok a hippo swallowed a circus dwarf in a 'freak accident' the dwarf, named Od died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by the yawning hippo waiting to appear in the next act. Vets said the hippo had a gag reflex which caused her to swallow (easy Miss H). More than 1000 spectators continued to applaud wildly until they realised there had been a tragic mistake.

LOVEBITEWATCH: A woman almost bit off her husband's willy as he cookedpancakes for tea in Carloca, Romania as she gave him oral pleasure. Inthe heat of passion the husband lost his grip on the pan and spiltboiling oil down her back. She clenched her teeth and in agony hebashed her on the head with the pan. Both only admitted how they hadreceived the injuries after 'intensive questioning' by doctors. The man needed treatment to his willy whilst his wife required treatment forburns, two black eyes and a broken cheek bone. Wonder what they gave up for lent!