sex in the bum = no babies

PHLEMWATCH

BRAIN&BODYENERGY: lucozade contains citric acid, sodium benzoate, sodium bisulphate, caffeine, acacia gum, ascorbic acid and betacarotene. No wonder I'm feeling chipper.

DWARFWATCH: In Bangkok a hippo swallowed a circus dwarf in a 'freak accident' the dwarf, named Od died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by the yawning hippo waiting to appear in the next act. Vets said the hippo had a gag reflex which caused her to swallow (easy Miss H). More than 1000 spectators continued to applaud wildly until they realised there had been a tragic mistake.

LOVEBITEWATCH: A woman almost bit off her husband's willy as he cookedpancakes for tea in Carloca, Romania as she gave him oral pleasure. Inthe heat of passion the husband lost his grip on the pan and spiltboiling oil down her back. She clenched her teeth and in agony hebashed her on the head with the pan. Both only admitted how they hadreceived the injuries after 'intensive questioning' by doctors. The man needed treatment to his willy whilst his wife required treatment forburns, two black eyes and a broken cheek bone. Wonder what they gave up for lent!

back from maple syrup heaven

THENORTH: Checked it was still there and yes Lat: 53.59N Lon: 2.286W ASL: 117M Sunrise 5.15BST (we'll come to cock a doodle f ing do later) and Sunset 20:54 BST. What a relief.

WEATHERWATCH: The first drought order to be granted in England and Wales since 1995 will ban the non-essential use of water. Under the six-month order, Sutton and East Surrey Water can ban car washing, the filling of swimming pools and watering of parks and sports grounds. The company supplies water to 265,000 properties in east Surrey, west Sussex, west Kent and sarf London. Environment minister Ian Pearson said he expected the company to use its new powers sensitively.

YOUCANPUTAMANONTHEMOON: Launched this month by a non-profit group concerned about mounting anti-Americanism worldwide, the "World Citizens Guide" has 16 suggestions designed to change the behaviour of corporate America overseas. The tips in the booklet, to be distributed to executives at major companies such as McDonald's, the Loews hotel chain and the software firm Novell, include: - "Be proud of the American way, but remember it's not the only way"; - "Listen at least as much as you talk"; - "Save the lecture for your kids"; - "Speak lower and slower"; - "Think as big as you like, but talk and act smaller"; and - "Dress up -- you can always strip down." Keith Reinhard, founder of Business for Diplomatic Action (BDA), the non-profit group that created the pamphlet, said he hopes it will play a small part in reshaping the negative perception of Americans worldwide. "While we are still admired for what people describe as our youthful enthusiasm, optimism and can-do spirit, we are seen as loud, arrogant and completely ignorant of cultures outside the US," *Really?*

AFRICAWATCH: In Uganda male friends often hold hands as a sign of affection.

Bon Vonage

I'm be keeing the blog up and running (yeah right) whilst evil fairy has a well deserved rest in Vancouver. Enjoy mon cherie. Admitedly it does look appealing.

I on the other hand will be dining on a Sheffield fish cake in the City of Steel. Think on!

http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?postid=367082

just in from yorkshire

Barnsley residents are being urged to take part in a major national battery recycling trial. More than 8,500 homes in the town are being targeted by the trial, which launches in the next few days. Special collection bags for batteries are being sent out by the council to local homes. People are asked to put spent batteries into the bags and place them on top of their green box as part of the fortnightly recycling collections. Jeez, I thought they were still just putting their tongues on the ends of batteries in Barnsley.

'appen ackshaly!

did you see FNP?????

Mariah Carey: "I'm Losing My Ass" - "I've been working out like mad -you can even punch me in the stomach and feel how tight that is".

oh don't tempt me luv! Lets work on losing that voice shall we ? crackwh0re!

Apologies for the venom - am feeling quite pithy today. Had steak last night at lunch and getting a bitaggressive on the red meat........ *insert innuendo here*

For England and St George

With our saint's day fast approaching and eurovision around the corner, nothing gave me greater pleasure to see that France's entry will be sung in our mother tongue. The Frenchies, not best known for their reserved and totally "unsulky" behaviour, are not best pleased. A French MP has said he is outraged that the song chosen to represent the nation in the Eurovision song contest has English lyrics. Jacques Myard, of the UMP party, has urged the company that runs most of France's TV networks to reconsider.

*buys bulldog*

*flicks Vs at Sarkozy*

Jack Ma Bond Up.............?

Amy Winehouse is working on the new James Bond theme with Mark Ronson, according to reports.The pair are apparently holed-up in an Oxfordshire studio owned by the super-producer writing the song.It is expected to soundtrack "Quantum Of The Solace", joining an elite group of music icons to pen material for the big screen spy series.News of the collaboration comes after months of speculation that Winehouse would be asked to get involved.

Expect an opening sequence of lolly headed crackwhose dancing seductively with their pimps.....bless

Ohio candidate for U.S. Senate wants the gays dead! For Merrill Keiser homosexuality should be a felony, punishable by death.

"Just like we have laws against murder, we have laws against stealing, we have laws against taking drugs -- we should have laws against immoral conduct".

ahhhhh more voice of reason from across the pond *dons stetson, shouts yeehaa*

http://www.state.tx.us/

nice oop north

COURTESYOFPOPBITCH: On a fashion shoot in a derelict house, Kate Mosswanted to take a pee. The assistant told her: "Well, there is a loo, butthere's no door on it". Kate replied: "Well how the f**k do I get inthere then?" An embarrassed silence ensued...

KRAUTWATCH: The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as ashort-tempered lot; check out this exchange between Gerry and an English747 (Speedbird 206) Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulledonto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you notbeen to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... andI didn't land." *sings Rule Britannia*

LAMBETHWALKWATCH: Businesses in London face a shortage of skilled staff, according to areport. The survey from the Confederation of British Industry (CBI) andKPMG found 61% of employers had concerns over staff with poor maths andEnglish *cue cockney bating please*

ALPACASARETHENEWLLAMAS: Llamas eat less than sheep and cattle on aweight-ratio basis. One llama eats about four bales of hay per month.When content, a llama hums. Can anyone confirm whether llama plop ismore palatable than the cow or sheep variety and I shall have a wordwith neighbouring farmers.

SCOTCHMIST: Donald Trump is to become an ambassador for Scotland, with his syrup doubling as a sporran - probably.

OLDJOKESHOME: "I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "no way." They said 'please, it's for spastics and blind children.' So I thought, sod it, I could win this."

SOMETHINGSROTTEN: Hayfever sufferers are being warned that a giant pollen cloud covering much of the North Sea is heading this way. The pollen cloud is being blown across to Britain on high winds from Scandinavia. Hundreds of people in the north of England have reported a fine yellow dust settling on their cars and homes. A Met Office spokesman said a new generation of satellites were producing images that confirmed a large plume of "dust" was being blown from the east. Forecasters said a wet April had produced record levels of birch pollen in Denmark. "The explosion of birch pollen in Denmark this year has been caused by near-perfectweather conditions over the last few weeks," said the Met Office spokesman.

FIVEADAY: No Glasters this year?? Fear not the annual Watercress Festival starts in Hereford this weekend.

THRUPENCE: Thanks a billion (literally) to the Chinese as their storming industrialisation has pushed the price of copper to an all time high making the tupenny now worth three pence. At least the roofs of scouse churches will be safe for a while.

COUNTRYLIVING: Managed to pull kitchen door off it hinges this morning (oh the memories Ty). That's why I had to marry a joiner.