nice oop north

COURTESYOFPOPBITCH: On a fashion shoot in a derelict house, Kate Mosswanted to take a pee. The assistant told her: "Well, there is a loo, butthere's no door on it". Kate replied: "Well how the f**k do I get inthere then?" An embarrassed silence ensued...

KRAUTWATCH: The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as ashort-tempered lot; check out this exchange between Gerry and an English747 (Speedbird 206) Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulledonto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you notbeen to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... andI didn't land." *sings Rule Britannia*

LAMBETHWALKWATCH: Businesses in London face a shortage of skilled staff, according to areport. The survey from the Confederation of British Industry (CBI) andKPMG found 61% of employers had concerns over staff with poor maths andEnglish *cue cockney bating please*

ALPACASARETHENEWLLAMAS: Llamas eat less than sheep and cattle on aweight-ratio basis. One llama eats about four bales of hay per month.When content, a llama hums. Can anyone confirm whether llama plop ismore palatable than the cow or sheep variety and I shall have a wordwith neighbouring farmers.

SCOTCHMIST: Donald Trump is to become an ambassador for Scotland, with his syrup doubling as a sporran - probably.

OLDJOKESHOME: "I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "no way." They said 'please, it's for spastics and blind children.' So I thought, sod it, I could win this."

SOMETHINGSROTTEN: Hayfever sufferers are being warned that a giant pollen cloud covering much of the North Sea is heading this way. The pollen cloud is being blown across to Britain on high winds from Scandinavia. Hundreds of people in the north of England have reported a fine yellow dust settling on their cars and homes. A Met Office spokesman said a new generation of satellites were producing images that confirmed a large plume of "dust" was being blown from the east. Forecasters said a wet April had produced record levels of birch pollen in Denmark. "The explosion of birch pollen in Denmark this year has been caused by near-perfectweather conditions over the last few weeks," said the Met Office spokesman.

FIVEADAY: No Glasters this year?? Fear not the annual Watercress Festival starts in Hereford this weekend.

THRUPENCE: Thanks a billion (literally) to the Chinese as their storming industrialisation has pushed the price of copper to an all time high making the tupenny now worth three pence. At least the roofs of scouse churches will be safe for a while.

COUNTRYLIVING: Managed to pull kitchen door off it hinges this morning (oh the memories Ty). That's why I had to marry a joiner.