"Watch out Beadle's (not) About!"

Maybe it's all a big spoof and he'll leap out of his coffin at the last minute with a fake beard and big microphone with a cheerful "SURPRISE!"

Bless his cotton socks............and his withered hand

this I learnt last week

25 years since the Thriller album was released
Its okay to name my teddy Jesus
The short lived Wispa revival is over
Carter USB knows the best back street curry house in every metropolitan borough
The French built the first ever roundabout at the Arc de Triomphe in 1901. cnuts

no need for nude 'light fingers' madeley

No Need

There are some things I don't need to know to get me through the day, and this snipet of information is certainly ranked high........

Richard Madeley goes commando.

Yep, the wavy handed, self-appointed epitome of a "cool dad" has stated he prefers "the freedom and feel of air". Oh joy! Judy "shakey Gin" Finnegan added "Richard’s undercarriage flaps freely".

Hmmmm, a bit like your norks Jude.

Is this a desperate ploy from the pair of them to keep their profile raised now that Channel 4 have ditched them and Sky producers are reported to "divert their calls to answer phone", when Tricky Dicky and Jigglin' Judy come calling to try and find a home for their oh so tired "iconic" chat show.

US of Asses Twinned with City of Vultures

President George W Bush has postponed an event to promote an advertising campaign on preventing prescription drug abuse. "We felt it would be better not to hold the event today given the tragedy of yesterday's passing of the beloved actor," White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said.

But then Tom Hicks was one of Dubya biggest financial backers

*lays wreath*



http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7205591.stm

BBC News

Watching the beeb this morning where they were debating MPs pay increases. Had leftie geordie on from the Mirror who was saying they should be paid the same as teachers, bus drivers etc (SHUT IT) and Daily Mail journo who said double the salaries but slash expenses. I was left puzzled by the latter's claims of expense fiddling as follows (in the plumiest of voices):-

"Oh there's an awful lot of trousering going on.....They are like chimps with swinging arms".

Clearly insane, yet quite amusing

oxymoron

If virgin take over northern rock will there be a name change? northern virgin?

Bareback No More

Poor The Ledger! Let's just hope he'd finished Batman first. Bet Terry Gillam is none too chuffed after losing his leading actor half-way through his new film mind - que Brandon Lee/Oliver Reed technology

Tis very tragic n' such like but the friggin overkill (pardon the pun) already, is Diana-esque: Sky showing clips of his corpse in a body bag being taken out of his apartment, the so-called "analysis" of his life by reporters who profess to know him. Bet Liverpool have found a tenuous link to him somehow and are having a day of rememberance, and 3 minute silence as they lose "one of their own".

Anyhoo, did some good films, aces actor and could ride in my rodeo anytime - laters Heath x

shitty of culture innit

'Merseyside' again......Amanda Monti was jailed for 2½ years today for pulling off her ex-boyfriends testicle (and not in the good way). Monti then attempted to swallow the offending appendage (this is showing a serious lack in sex education in North West schools) before spitting it out (obviously not a convent education) and having her friend hand it back to a by now naked Geoffrey Jones.

Jesus H, is is me or are ladies getting completely the wrong idea about oral these days?



http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/4253849.stm

Self Pity City whinging? Surely not

These fuckers are unbelievable. Apparantly the scousers are "up in arms" at Ringo (the one from the Beatles who did more for Thomas the Tank Engine than he did for the group), for him saying there is about as much chance of him returning to Liverpool as there is as Shitney Beers being Mum of the Year.....maybe. Yes, any excuse to a single yourselves out yet again.....

When on stage at the Capital of Culture launch Ringo said he was "so close" to coming back to the land of theives, the unemployed, and "victims" - tempting innit!!? Unsurprisingly, he quickly retracted this foolhardy statement when asked about it on Jonathan Ross:-

" Look I love Liverpool. I was a child in Liverpool. I grew up in Liverpool. My family members are in Liverpool. But you know..."

No need to go on Ringo, we sooooooo know..............its full of twats and a shithole.

One member of the public said: "I am disgusted by the way he mocked Liverpool after having the red carpet rolled out for him by the city only last week. He is happy enough to turn up here after 40 years to blatantly cash in on the city of culture tag but then slags the place off when he is safely back in London schmoozing with Jonathan Ross".

Yep, that'll be right, and to be fair you can't blame him

*lays another wreath for Liverpool*

*has 5 minute silence*

*sniggers*

Housewine

Following on from the Doherty rant, seems the soon-to-be female version (albeit with talent) is making the headlines too: shocker!

The Scum has filmed blonde rat's nest Housewine smoking a crackpipe, after knocking back 6 valium. Sweet jesus, in my day it was 2 paracetamol and cider through a straw!

Get some help luv seriously. You make good records and can sing. Would be a shame for you to shuffle off soon, even though your odds are no doubt getting smaller each day for Celebrity Death Watch. Get rid off Fielder-Civil (no need for your 2 names), find a nice jewish boy, and eat chicken soup to the (kosha) cows come home x

moist for the wrong reasons

BBC weather this morning the girly (not Carole Kirkwood, she's a professional) it was when they went to the regional weather, she referred to the approaching blustyiness as 'more windier' I give up now that the bastion of received pronunciation has fallen to 'yoofs' at the helm

That said Carole's good, but she does sometimes get a bit giddy. I think she has a soft spot for Turnbull. She giggles at anything he says. I don't like the bloke they sometimes use for the evening news - I don't know his name, but he's about 45, camp, a bit eccentric. He rattles through the regions at a right old pace, and he repeats himself a lot. "South West: windy. Midlands: windy. Wales and Northern Ireland: yes, windy."

As you were

political correctness gone mad

You know what does make me sad? There's a whole generation of kids out there now who don't call one another 'Joey' when they want to be really cutting.

http://www.judascow.com/joey.html

FFS

Mr Straw said: "If Gordon Brown had had even a sniff that this was going on, he would have stopped it immediately, as would have I." He added that "for a long time this was an unknown unknown. The moment it became a known known, we got on to it."

But what about when it became a known unknown, or even an unknown known (presumably there is some sort of halfway stage). Would that have had his arse twitching?

These questions need to be asked. What is Paxman playing at?

Oh dear!

God daughter of Alex "red-faced-chewing-gum-obsessed-Jock" Ferguson has apparantly been infected with the Doherty virus. The somewhat naive and hygiene lacking bint had a daliance with corpse like Pete in October and thought "it was love". Needless to say, he can't remember who she is (nor probably who he is) and she's preggers.

Apparantly she said pyrexial Pete was attracted to her because "he told me he liked me because I was intelligent and straightforward as well as sweet and innocent". Such a juxtaposition innit!!?

Never mind love. You may find this link helpful:-

http://www.sexualhealth.org.uk/

Begs the question why though surely? Although judging from above, it's not difficult to see why women fall at his feet is it? I mean, soooooooooooo handsome!

GET OUT FFS!!

Sweet!

Saturday, Hillsborough:

Sheffield Wednesday 2 Sheffield United 0

(first and last football post, I promise)

Ok, so Vera shuffled off Coronation St on Friday to a few tears and I have to confess to having a Kleenex handy at 7.30pm and 8.30pm, and this wasn't because I was watching a "speciality" DVD.

All very sad n' all, but it is me, or did Jack rather assume that his little swampduck was dead rather quckly. "Come on V, wake up", was uttered about twice, before he twigged, that "yep, she's a gonna!". If Mr Havs had done the same to me when I've nobbed off, I've been 6 foot under about a dozen times by now!!

Anyhoo, a visit to Liz's pub The Grapes will no doubt have to take place soon......

things I've learnt this week

• I can no longer buy brazil nuts in shells due to the trace toxins in the shells that could potentially cause liver cancer, I can however still buy cigarettes, live next to a substation or mobile phone mast, eat burnt toast and breath in car exhaust fumes


• I can't drive in heels, Cuban or otherwise


• Don't buy a white winter coat when you have a Jakey Poos


• A Pantechnicon is the correct word for a removal vehicle


• Gump should not be allowed in Asda (god love hime)


• Sherry trifle could affect my ability to drive (it'll be vying with my heels, eyesight, citalopram and lack of hazard awareness)


• A 'jiffy' is actually a unit of time, i.e. a tenth of a second


• Carry on Camping is a comedy classic

and there's more.........

....COCKNEYS. There is no 'K' in something

is it me?

Scientist have expressed concern that the wasp population is decreasing, now whats all the fuss about I thought the birds & the bees did the pollenating and the wasps were just back up?

14 bafta nominations for Atonement?

The Busby Babes, are they still milking that?

Kylies hair.

As you were

Inquest? Hmmmmm

I thought the point of an inquest was to find out how someone died and the circumstances surrounding. I was unaware that it was a media circus where every details of someone's private life is picked over by the salacious public, including gossip and rumour. I was mildly irritated before but now it's the Paul Burrell show I am fecking raging.

It's a sham and a waste of tax payers money to appease readers of the Daily Mail and an egyptian shopkeeper