Fridaywatch

JOLLYWATCH: National depression week this week chaps. For events near you check out www.bbc.co.uk/manchester. Next week: National Lawn Mowing week. Probably.

MOTHEROFYEARWATCH: To keep her poor little blind and disabled son happy on photoshoots, Jordan has been seen scattering crisps on the floor so that Harvey can graze on them. Like a sheep.

COURTESYOFPOPBITCH: "My mate got sacked from the Cheese Hamlet shop in Didsbury for muttering 'I'm watching you mate' to Richard Madeley when he was browsing the cheese selection."

UNCLESAMWATCH: On sale now in America - vitamin enriched bottled water for dogs. Toilet Water, has a chicken flavour; Gutter Water is beef flavoured; Puddle water has a liver flavour and Hose Water is lamb flavoured. A four-pack sells for $7.49, a 12-pack costs $19.99. US aid to Africa is approx $3 per taxpayer. There are 300 million people in Africa without regular access to safe water.

LUNCHWATCH: As most commuters I love a good half term and the lack of Chelsea tractors on the road taking 15 year old 400 yards to their schools why o why o why do all the munters in the world have to desend on Manchester at lunch time prolonging queues at the cash machines and generally dickingabout in M&S when you are trying to buy some tights. Bring me my shotgun.