VEST WATCH - -4. Have it on today together with furry boots, two coats, scarf which can double as a blanket to cover my knees at my desk and hat and mittens. You've seen The Day After Tomorrow. Replace NYC Public Library with Lower Wood Road Farm Cottage. We've got the electric stove on and will shortly be burning copies of the green book.
SPROUT WATCH - They've now come to the boil. Attempted to fork one to see progress of cooking, couldn't find culinary implement that could penetrate outer leaves. I'll give them another 3 weeks simmering.
HAIR WATCH - Clare Balding
ROAD WATCH - Skidded into next door's stables trying to get offlane, fortunately kackmobile mostly constructed from plastic so bounced off. Skidded into little welsh Susan's house on the lane, fortunately it used to be the village pub and is made of sturdy stuff. Skidded into hedge, fortunately soft landing so no harm done.
ARMED FORCES WATCH - A former Royal Navy sailor was jailed yesterday for dropkicking an albino hamster three metres in the air.
LANCASHIRE WATCH - 10 Beatles Songs translated:
1. Glad all over - Reet as ewt
2. How do you do it? - Ahs ti dun thad?
3. Let it be - Gerrofit
4. Money - Brass
5. Hello Goodbye - Ow do si thee
6. The Long and Winding Road - Dahnt M6
7. The Fool on the Hill - Jim Bowen
8. Yes it is - Aye
9. You're going to lose that girl - Shillbeoff
10. Love me do - Gerremoff
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