old folks home

st christine: I looked after the children yesterday and they were watching that sponge bob square pants. I always though he was a piece of cheese.

evilfairy: then why did you think he lives at the bottom of the ocean

st chirstine: I didn't realise that he did

http://www.tongs.org.uk/wiki.pl?JamesHarries

this is what happens when you grow up in a small village. BTW don't put 'curly wogan antiques transsexual' in google at work.

things i learned/experienced in rawtenstall*

1. There is a new Asda** which is frequented by yoofs/hoodies that don't deserve a hug.

2. You have to pay up front in the dentist

3. Never heard of humus let alone point you to the felafel isle

4. Everyone under 20 has four kids and no big coat

Anyhoo the point is if anyone can point me in the direction of a sterling silver pickle fork, preferably in a presentation box please post to this site.

I'm obliged m-lud

* that's rottenstall not raw ten stall as the Father in Law (tm) delights in reminding me

**when I say 'new' its been there a year but you know me, my finger is more near the elbow than the wrist area

Things I learned/experienced in Swindon

• The town centre is frequented by lots of "yoofs" who all sound like Vicky Pollard
• There is a very nice retail outlet park and I bought some nice jeans from the Levi shop
• They have a pound shop and a 99p shop
• Mr Havs and I got called puffs in Boots

As you were.

Eeee-bye-gum, am reet proud I am!

Eccles cakes? Chelsea bun?, Lancashire Hotpot? GET OUT THE LOT OF YER!!

The Yorkshire pudding has been named the nation's favourite regional food. It beat the Cornish pasty and the Melton Mowbray pork pie to come first in its category at the Good Housekeeping food awards. *doffs flat cap and puts ferret down trousers*

Lea & Perrins Worcestershire sauce was named the favourite store cupboard ingredient. You can shove yer Lea & Perrins up th'ass I tell thee. Get some Henderson's Relish darn thee neck - made in Sheffield it is, and old ma' Haversham always brings a good supply on her pilgramage ov-er Pennine's.

Yorkshire rules the world. End of.

Only gay(s) in the village

This weekend Mr Havs and I will be off to see my brother, who currently resides near Chippenham. To say this place is backward is an understatement, when compared to the bright lights, big city of Manchestershire. I am pretty convinced that we will be the only gayers - cue application of fake tan, Attitude tucked under the arm, holding hands, and talk of rimming down the local Tesco's to scare the locals. I shall report back after the weekend..........maybe

*Prays for a fall*

Yep, the wannabe Diana of the noughties, the geordie slaghag Heather Mills-Macca is to appear on "Dancing with the Stars" which is basically the spetic tank's version of "Strictly Come Dancing". Other "dazzling" celebs include Billy Ray Cyrus, Muhammad Ali's daughter Laila, former N'Sync singer Joey Fatone and actor Vincent Pastore - who played Salvatore in The Sopranos. It's great to see the Bush lovin mofo's "over the pond" have just as many Z-lists as us.

Let's hope Billy Ray Cyrus breaks her achey breaky neck, as well as her achey breaky heart

The Queen is dead, long live the Queen

As Anna "car crash" Nicole-Smith shuffles off this mortal plane to be with Howard Marshall, who, I hear you ask, will replace her, as the clearly barking, once "attractive" bint who, let's face it, will probably be brown bread in a year or two?

Step forward, every straight boy's favourite redneck, Ms Shitney Beers.

She is clearly insane if see thinks this syrup [left] is remotely convincing.

Shitney, you ole soak, I reckon this is more your style:-

the moral of the story? Internet shopping

It has oft been said that I should not be let out alone, but at lunch time I ventured forth to New Look to buy some rubbish clothing (spotted an all in one leotard/leggings, i.e. cat suit in
grey marl sweatshirt material) but broke my zip in the changing rooms and was forced to shuffle back to the office clutching my skirt in order that it didn't fall and reveal my new (but slightly garish pink pants. Upon getting back to office I found that there was no one there to assist me and therefore after having a small weep in the toilet (from frustration and self loathing) I managed to get the zip up, although I wasn't wearing the skirt at the time. The struggled
to get the skirt on over my head (again to spare the public the sight of my pants) resulted in feeling flushed and slightly damp.

Imagine my utterly anguish therefore to discovery that MEP Robert Kilroy Silk, that leatherface silver fox lothario (he wishes) has made a formal complaint that M&S are deploying mirrors in their changing rooms that make woman look slimmer. Why aren't New Look doing this and ensuring that even with broken zip and pants out I looked a stunner!

I shall be returning for a full refund........

Adieu and farewell to "tiggy lampost"

A Lincolnshire school has banned physical playground games because pupils were copying violent computer games, making playtime "too rough". FFS!! If I didn't come home from school with a grazed knee or a couple of "war wounds" there would be something wrong. What ever happened to British Bulldog or my own personal favourite during the miners' strike in the 1980s, Pickets or Police. The rules were simple: you were either a picketer or a rozzer. Two distinct and opposing groups thus formed, and would set about kicking the shit out of each other. End of.

The ban at St John's Primary at Bracebridge Heath near Lincoln involves contact playground games like "tag" and "kiss chase" - how the frig is kiss chase violent?!! What kind of pupils do they have in Lincoln eh; clones of Peter Sutcliffe!?!

You can't wrap the little mites in cotton wool!! I weep for the future, I really do. We are gonna turn into a nation of cowards if we're not careful. We may as well all live here:-

that's the last time I have goulash

I've just heard from Huw Fairly Whittingtaff on the 10pm news that Bernard Mannings poultry has been infected with man flu by the hungarians. If its not the French (filthy race) its the bleeding Huns.

holy mary mother* of god

A school headteacher is under fire for banning pupils from making Mother's Day cards to avoid upsetting children without a mother. Helen Starkey, 46, fears the time-honoured tradition of making a Mother's Day card at school could be seen as insensitive. As a result, the headteacher of Johnstown Primary School, in Carmarthen, west Wales, simply banned pupils from making cards. But the move was branded as "ridiculous" by one angry parent who has accused her of being insensitive to the majority of youngsters at the 357-pupil school. Mrs Starkey claims she has nothing against Mother's Day (there speaks a barren bint), which falls on March 18 this year, but would not allow pupils to make cards during lessons. "More than 5% of children here are separated from their birth mother and have either no contact or no regular contact with their mother," she said in a statement. "These include children who are bereaved, children whose parents are separated and are not domiciled with their mothers, and children who have been removed from parental care by statutory bodies. In all of our dealings with these children, we have to exercise great sensitivity." She added: "This decision was not taken because of any philosophical attitude towards the celebration of Mothering Sunday, but to protect a significant number of children in our school." But the decision has come in for strong criticism.
One parent, who did not wish to be named, said: "It means 95% of the children have not got an opportunity to make a card. I take issue with the fact that Mothering Sunday is a Christian festival and Mrs Starkey is not allowing children to celebrate in the way they know how."
She added: "This is ridiculous, they will have to ban Father's Day as well, just to be politically correct. Where is this going to end?" I'll tell yer sweetheart....rivers of blood


*no 'daffodil' for you luvvy made from a bit of egg box and some tissue paper

the world has gone cunting mad


http://www.amcr.org.uk/

It leaves your hair looking wonderfully soft and thick!!

Hari's, an "exclusive" hair salon in Knightsbridge, London has taken to using bull's semen as a hair treatment. The mixture is massaged into the client's hair after it has been shampooed. Then the customer is put under a steamer so the treatment penetrates the hair. Finally, it is blow-jobed, er I mine dried. FFS!!!

The semen is taken from bulls on a Cheshire farm apparantly - yeah right!! I can just imagine Farmer Giles knocking one out whilst reading the Daily Sport, bottling it and then sending it to some poncy twat in that London place for a small fortune. Good on yer I say fella!!

And for those who can't afford this "exclusivity"? ............get your blokey to cum in yer hair.

*makes mental note to speak to Mr Havs*

Imagine if you were a dog........

I may or not have been alerted to this by Holy Moly, but regardless of this, please enjoy. Made me weep........with laughter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl6jfOEPJGk