monday monday

GRRWATCH: What is it with men (don't worry it's a rhetorical question)? Bunch of c o cks - literally.....

SPRINGWATCH: Cowpat Cottage lane full of midges. No wonder really with clement temperature and availability of hedgerows and cowpoo. Roll on winter.

GURNINGWATCH: Doctors have revealed details of the biggest recorded user of ecstasy - a man estimated to have taken 40,000 ecstasy pills in his life. At the height of his use, the man - known as "Mr A" - was taking 25 tablets a day! Sweet child of.......

BEEBWATCH: Natasha Kaplinsky has seen the iceberg and now anchors Fives 'news' although ditch the smart casual 'tash. After Sian considering the fit f giggles by Today's news caster worth of a slot on the 6 o'clock.I'm following suit *cancels tv license dd*

YORSKSHIREWATCH: A furious airline boss has blasted the French as "lazy frogs" after protests disrupted services to the UK. Philip Meeson, the chairman and chief executive of Yorkshire-based budget carrier Jet2.com, launched his attack in an article on the company website - *doffs cap, salutes, sings Jerusalem*

she couldn't wait to spend the money

Fridaywatch

JOLLYWATCH: National depression week this week chaps. For events near you check out www.bbc.co.uk/manchester. Next week: National Lawn Mowing week. Probably.

MOTHEROFYEARWATCH: To keep her poor little blind and disabled son happy on photoshoots, Jordan has been seen scattering crisps on the floor so that Harvey can graze on them. Like a sheep.

COURTESYOFPOPBITCH: "My mate got sacked from the Cheese Hamlet shop in Didsbury for muttering 'I'm watching you mate' to Richard Madeley when he was browsing the cheese selection."

UNCLESAMWATCH: On sale now in America - vitamin enriched bottled water for dogs. Toilet Water, has a chicken flavour; Gutter Water is beef flavoured; Puddle water has a liver flavour and Hose Water is lamb flavoured. A four-pack sells for $7.49, a 12-pack costs $19.99. US aid to Africa is approx $3 per taxpayer. There are 300 million people in Africa without regular access to safe water.

LUNCHWATCH: As most commuters I love a good half term and the lack of Chelsea tractors on the road taking 15 year old 400 yards to their schools why o why o why do all the munters in the world have to desend on Manchester at lunch time prolonging queues at the cash machines and generally dickingabout in M&S when you are trying to buy some tights. Bring me my shotgun.

northwatch

VEST WATCH - -4. Have it on today together with furry boots, two coats, scarf which can double as a blanket to cover my knees at my desk and hat and mittens. You've seen The Day After Tomorrow. Replace NYC Public Library with Lower Wood Road Farm Cottage. We've got the electric stove on and will shortly be burning copies of the green book.

SPROUT WATCH - They've now come to the boil. Attempted to fork one to see progress of cooking, couldn't find culinary implement that could penetrate outer leaves. I'll give them another 3 weeks simmering.

HAIR WATCH - Clare Balding

ROAD WATCH - Skidded into next door's stables trying to get offlane, fortunately kackmobile mostly constructed from plastic so bounced off. Skidded into little welsh Susan's house on the lane, fortunately it used to be the village pub and is made of sturdy stuff. Skidded into hedge, fortunately soft landing so no harm done.

ARMED FORCES WATCH - A former Royal Navy sailor was jailed yesterday for dropkicking an albino hamster three metres in the air.

LANCASHIRE WATCH - 10 Beatles Songs translated:

1. Glad all over - Reet as ewt

2. How do you do it? - Ahs ti dun thad?

3. Let it be - Gerrofit

4. Money - Brass

5. Hello Goodbye - Ow do si thee

6. The Long and Winding Road - Dahnt M6

7. The Fool on the Hill - Jim Bowen

8. Yes it is - Aye

9. You're going to lose that girl - Shillbeoff

10. Love me do - Gerremoff

Life Story in 6 Words

Is there anyone out there? No.

Rather be hung for a sheep

For sale good sense, never used

From poppers to pistachios and back

Fcuk it, it'll be alright

Mad as a box of goats

There is time yet to achieve

Do you do those in black

Pissed around too much at school

Not quite what I planned

Well I thought it was funny

I could have been a contender

woman: twenty-nine. underwhelming yesterdays. thrilling tomorrow?

I should have been a doctor

Things of leant/heard this week

This Morning have a launched a 'Britain's Best Kept Bush' comp - I betFern wet herself

There are some particle thingies which get sucked into black holesmaking them smaller and some that get thrown about and the universe is acone shape. Also you can create a model of the universe with a sheet ofplastic, a crystal ball and a tuppence. In fact why aren't I just working forHawkins, we could investigate whether the moon is actually made of cheese.

M&S magic knickers are in fact as large and thick as a fire blanket

'Football is like fighting a gorilla, you don't stop fighting when youare tired you stop when the gorilla is tired' - Chris Coleman. WTF?

Chewing gum does not take seven years to pass through your body nor doesit stick your lungs together