postman prat

unofficial strikes continue with some of the posties not going back towork today. Guess where has been affected.............Liverpool! FFS

at least I don't have to worry about some scouse postman emptying his sack on my desk

*lays wreath for no reason whatsoever*

You can imagine the shopping list being compiled!

Steven Gerrard has been involved in a car accident with a 10-year-old boy. Apparantly the cash cow..er boy, suffered leg injuries when he was knocked down by the England player's car near his luxury home on Grantham Road, Birkdale, Merseyside. Leaving aside that the words "luxury" and "Merseyside" is somewhat of a juxtaposition, I can imagine poor little Keanu/Jordan etc's family compiling a list of the "mental torture" that he's suffered.

I bet the scouse lawyers were flocking to the scene like Toxteth to the Post Office on giro day

Expect a week of mourning in self-pity city any time now.......

As if Gail Platt doesnt have enough to worry about!

Her first husband is killed, her second divorces her and her third turns out to be a serial killer. Her daughter gets up the stick at 12 and then her wayward son nearly kills her grandaughter by slipping her an E. Poor ET is having a rough ride innit.



She won't be best please to learn that beloved Nicky Platt (would) aka Adam Rickett has been and "done a Maddely" and been caught shopping down under; no not rummaging in some lady bits, but nicking from a shop in Oz. The rather fey looking cheshire boy was done for nicking a loaf, some HP and a block of cheese. He has been filming in Shortland St and apparantly has been under "considerable stress". FFS, it's hardly five nights with the Royal Shakespeare Company is it!!! He "forgot to pay" and now may face criminal charges

And THIS was the Tories choice for victory! GET WITH THE PROGRAMME CAMERON UNLESS YOU WANT FIVE YEARS OF THE ONE EYED JOCK!!

dwarf tosser

Shayne Ward almost killed a Mexican midget on a video shoot in Los Angeles recently in a bizarre swimming pool accident, it has been claimed. The "X-Factor" winner is understood to have been on-set making the promo film for his new single, alongside a party of models. Two midgets were also involved in the filming but chaos ensued when Ward was required to toss one of the short extras into the pool. Apparently he selected the 'wrong' one, who was unable to breath in the pool because he was wearing a full face mask. Crew members were forced to leap into the water and rescue the midget, with Ward also aiding the dramatic rescue bid, according to a shoot 'source'. "Shayne was obviously really embarrassed by what happened - luckily his 'victim' thought it was hilarious, and they all ended up having a right laugh about it", he explained.

Its a fecking slow news day......apart from Led Zepplin annoucing a gig (AoS)

lesson # 1

Here's the fundamental difference between men and woman....woman just want to talk and get things off their chests and other woman understand this. Men need to offer solutions to problems, which is not what woman want. So when I e:mail you moaning about my life, just nod your head & get me chocolate. Also feel free to call the Hooded Claw a bastard pig.....................

MyFace

So, I come back to work to a surprisingly clear desk, albeit with a small woodland area's worth of post, only to find that facebook has been added to the blacklist - FFS!! I really can't think why

*checks internet history*


oh

things we've learnt this week

• Lassie was played by a number of male dogs despite being a girl


• There is a reason that your hairdresser tells you not to cut your own fringe


• The grass is only greener elsewhere because it is mowed more often


• Never take advice from someone who doesn't understand the concept of an 'emergency dairy milk'


• No one here knows the Heimlich manoeuvre


• Defendant solicitors are a bunch of evil, dirty bastards


• It's too cold to go commando


• Miss H and Mr Have have an unhealthy obsession with 24 andJack Bauer

wooden tart

Caught the new Captain Scarlet yesterday morning, its all CGI now instead of supermarionation. Very unhappy as CGI Scarlet not nearly so good looking at wooden puppet scarlet. Then got worried that had fancied a puppet and with that and my predilection for beardy hobos............I'm going to ask my GP to up my dosage!

www.captainscarlet.com

First female beefeater started work today at London tower

*sits back and awaits puns*

restores the faith

BBC news last night - On receiving her GCSE results a girl said 'aw, I fawt I done worse than dat'......

the grade.... A

the subject...English

Miss H packs the nap sack

Yes, I'm away now for 2 whole weeks (well almost). Blog updates will be sparse therefore (even more so!!). I am sure you'll cope without me and I'll leave you in the capable hands of evil fairy, whilst Mr Havs and I recharge the ole batteries

x

Doherty free - AGAIN!? FFS!

How is this possible?! Yes the pus stained, sweat ridden darling of the "alternative crowd" has been released AGAIN after charges of breaching his bail conditions were droppped.

Is his dealer the magistrate, is he "main lining" with Auntie Betty!!?? JUST.BANG.HIM.UP.!!

the english language

I was watching North West tonight. They were interviewing the parents of a little girl who has just been allowed back home after a heart transplant. I think they were from Wigan, but I could be wrong. They certainly looked like they were from Wigan. Anyway, wherever they were from, they want shooting. First they described the girl as "our little miracle". Which, if you think about it, makes no sense. A miracle is an event or an act, not a person. But OK, I let that one slide, as it's a commonly-used phrase in circumstances like this, and I appreciate that their emotions must have got the better of them. But then - oh, God, it's making me seethe even now - when asked how the little miracle was doing, the mother said, "We're really pleased. She's weller now than she's ever been."

Weller????

She's weller now...????

Perhaps she's had a heart transplant from an ex member of The Jam. That is the ONLY excuse available for that kind of language.

I turned over I could bear no more

Whatever happened to a binge on 20/20!?

Gone are the "good ole days" of being sat a park with 20/20 or some equally vile poison of choice. A teenager has been taken to hospital after overdosing on espresso coffee, AND she was from County Durham FFS! You perhaps understand it if she was called TIffany from that London.

Apparantly she began to develop a fever and began hyperventilating after downing seven double espressos while working at her family's sandwich shop. - oh get her!

For the love of god woman, open the gin, smoke 40 fags and come back to me when you've got some balls. You should be ashamed of yer sen!

Yeah, it's a killer that Starbucks (*)

* - other coffee outlets are available

is it me?

University of Western Australia has wasted time, money and resources studying fish oil and the benefit to co-ordination. I've been taking it for fecking years and still can't walk in a pair of wedges after 2 pints of cider (ice in the cider).

Jeez, wait until I get my own show on BBC3

Also, its only 20 weeks until Christmas

We have gone too PC

They just don't make adverts like this anymore

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6mGfqJAt0s

Prince

The concert was totally amazing, the O2 arena is aces and I saw 2 members of Coronation St, on the way down - what more can you ask for.

Being in that London however did confirm my suspicions that there are some friggin numpties. Had to queue at the merchandise stall for AGES to get my "symbol" pendant, which is fair enough BUT the queues were made infinitely worse by middle-class farquahs who, when reaching the front of the queue, THEN decided to browse!!

Was in a rage, I tell thee. Mr Havs and I had to have a sambucca or 2 to calm down

Finger on the pulse!

I've only just learned that Mike Reid is dead! FFS!!

Las Vegas of the North

Football-loving children in a Blackpool street have been warned to stop their kickabouts or face fines of £50. Letters have been sent out to homes in the Bloomfield area of the town, near Blackpool Football Club, warning that playing football in the street is illegal - outrageous!............ As if anyone from Blackpool as even seen £50!! BTW Dr Who is switching th'illuminations on 31st August.

*sings Land of Hope of Glory* - A ban on exporting British beef, which was imposed in 1996 to prevent the spread of mad cow disease, has officially ended - HAVE THAT FRENCHIE!!

Sean Connery's ex-wife has written an autobiography, and in it makes claims that Connery used to beat her. TBF it is Bond - whether he's hitting you or humping you, you know you're in for the ride of your life. Besides, it's impossible to be mad at a guy who has a watch that shoots lasers out of it.

His Purple Majesty

Yep, Prince is imminent. The ipod is loaded, the clothes are washed and ironed, the train and hotel is booked, and I am as giddy as Chris Langham in a playground. With reviews like this, I cannot wait:-

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6927548.stm

Will no doubt come back with a lighter bank balance after spending a fortune on t-shirts, pendants etc trying to convince myself that I'm in the NPG