monday monday

GRRWATCH: What is it with men (don't worry it's a rhetorical question)? Bunch of c o cks - literally.....

SPRINGWATCH: Cowpat Cottage lane full of midges. No wonder really with clement temperature and availability of hedgerows and cowpoo. Roll on winter.

GURNINGWATCH: Doctors have revealed details of the biggest recorded user of ecstasy - a man estimated to have taken 40,000 ecstasy pills in his life. At the height of his use, the man - known as "Mr A" - was taking 25 tablets a day! Sweet child of.......

BEEBWATCH: Natasha Kaplinsky has seen the iceberg and now anchors Fives 'news' although ditch the smart casual 'tash. After Sian considering the fit f giggles by Today's news caster worth of a slot on the 6 o'clock.I'm following suit *cancels tv license dd*

YORSKSHIREWATCH: A furious airline boss has blasted the French as "lazy frogs" after protests disrupted services to the UK. Philip Meeson, the chairman and chief executive of Yorkshire-based budget carrier Jet2.com, launched his attack in an article on the company website - *doffs cap, salutes, sings Jerusalem*

she couldn't wait to spend the money

Fridaywatch

JOLLYWATCH: National depression week this week chaps. For events near you check out www.bbc.co.uk/manchester. Next week: National Lawn Mowing week. Probably.

MOTHEROFYEARWATCH: To keep her poor little blind and disabled son happy on photoshoots, Jordan has been seen scattering crisps on the floor so that Harvey can graze on them. Like a sheep.

COURTESYOFPOPBITCH: "My mate got sacked from the Cheese Hamlet shop in Didsbury for muttering 'I'm watching you mate' to Richard Madeley when he was browsing the cheese selection."

UNCLESAMWATCH: On sale now in America - vitamin enriched bottled water for dogs. Toilet Water, has a chicken flavour; Gutter Water is beef flavoured; Puddle water has a liver flavour and Hose Water is lamb flavoured. A four-pack sells for $7.49, a 12-pack costs $19.99. US aid to Africa is approx $3 per taxpayer. There are 300 million people in Africa without regular access to safe water.

LUNCHWATCH: As most commuters I love a good half term and the lack of Chelsea tractors on the road taking 15 year old 400 yards to their schools why o why o why do all the munters in the world have to desend on Manchester at lunch time prolonging queues at the cash machines and generally dickingabout in M&S when you are trying to buy some tights. Bring me my shotgun.

northwatch

VEST WATCH - -4. Have it on today together with furry boots, two coats, scarf which can double as a blanket to cover my knees at my desk and hat and mittens. You've seen The Day After Tomorrow. Replace NYC Public Library with Lower Wood Road Farm Cottage. We've got the electric stove on and will shortly be burning copies of the green book.

SPROUT WATCH - They've now come to the boil. Attempted to fork one to see progress of cooking, couldn't find culinary implement that could penetrate outer leaves. I'll give them another 3 weeks simmering.

HAIR WATCH - Clare Balding

ROAD WATCH - Skidded into next door's stables trying to get offlane, fortunately kackmobile mostly constructed from plastic so bounced off. Skidded into little welsh Susan's house on the lane, fortunately it used to be the village pub and is made of sturdy stuff. Skidded into hedge, fortunately soft landing so no harm done.

ARMED FORCES WATCH - A former Royal Navy sailor was jailed yesterday for dropkicking an albino hamster three metres in the air.

LANCASHIRE WATCH - 10 Beatles Songs translated:

1. Glad all over - Reet as ewt

2. How do you do it? - Ahs ti dun thad?

3. Let it be - Gerrofit

4. Money - Brass

5. Hello Goodbye - Ow do si thee

6. The Long and Winding Road - Dahnt M6

7. The Fool on the Hill - Jim Bowen

8. Yes it is - Aye

9. You're going to lose that girl - Shillbeoff

10. Love me do - Gerremoff

Life Story in 6 Words

Is there anyone out there? No.

Rather be hung for a sheep

For sale good sense, never used

From poppers to pistachios and back

Fcuk it, it'll be alright

Mad as a box of goats

There is time yet to achieve

Do you do those in black

Pissed around too much at school

Not quite what I planned

Well I thought it was funny

I could have been a contender

woman: twenty-nine. underwhelming yesterdays. thrilling tomorrow?

I should have been a doctor

Things of leant/heard this week

This Morning have a launched a 'Britain's Best Kept Bush' comp - I betFern wet herself

There are some particle thingies which get sucked into black holesmaking them smaller and some that get thrown about and the universe is acone shape. Also you can create a model of the universe with a sheet ofplastic, a crystal ball and a tuppence. In fact why aren't I just working forHawkins, we could investigate whether the moon is actually made of cheese.

M&S magic knickers are in fact as large and thick as a fire blanket

'Football is like fighting a gorilla, you don't stop fighting when youare tired you stop when the gorilla is tired' - Chris Coleman. WTF?

Chewing gum does not take seven years to pass through your body nor doesit stick your lungs together

Grief Obssession?

The Munich air disaster, in the words of mensa-esque Steps, was a Tragedy. It was also 50 years ago, and many people have died since, without mention, wreath, 1 minute's silence. Why then do the Beeb and ITV seemed to have milked this MF for the past week. The final straw was Coronation St having a toast in the Rovers.

Have we turned into Liverpool FFS

*lays wreath*

Floyd in Hospital

Keith Floyd in hospital. Is he next!?

Oi - CELEBRITIES! Stop.Fecking.Dying!

"Watch out Beadle's (not) About!"

Maybe it's all a big spoof and he'll leap out of his coffin at the last minute with a fake beard and big microphone with a cheerful "SURPRISE!"

Bless his cotton socks............and his withered hand

this I learnt last week

25 years since the Thriller album was released
Its okay to name my teddy Jesus
The short lived Wispa revival is over
Carter USB knows the best back street curry house in every metropolitan borough
The French built the first ever roundabout at the Arc de Triomphe in 1901. cnuts

no need for nude 'light fingers' madeley

No Need

There are some things I don't need to know to get me through the day, and this snipet of information is certainly ranked high........

Richard Madeley goes commando.

Yep, the wavy handed, self-appointed epitome of a "cool dad" has stated he prefers "the freedom and feel of air". Oh joy! Judy "shakey Gin" Finnegan added "Richard’s undercarriage flaps freely".

Hmmmm, a bit like your norks Jude.

Is this a desperate ploy from the pair of them to keep their profile raised now that Channel 4 have ditched them and Sky producers are reported to "divert their calls to answer phone", when Tricky Dicky and Jigglin' Judy come calling to try and find a home for their oh so tired "iconic" chat show.

US of Asses Twinned with City of Vultures

President George W Bush has postponed an event to promote an advertising campaign on preventing prescription drug abuse. "We felt it would be better not to hold the event today given the tragedy of yesterday's passing of the beloved actor," White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said.

But then Tom Hicks was one of Dubya biggest financial backers

*lays wreath*



http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7205591.stm

BBC News

Watching the beeb this morning where they were debating MPs pay increases. Had leftie geordie on from the Mirror who was saying they should be paid the same as teachers, bus drivers etc (SHUT IT) and Daily Mail journo who said double the salaries but slash expenses. I was left puzzled by the latter's claims of expense fiddling as follows (in the plumiest of voices):-

"Oh there's an awful lot of trousering going on.....They are like chimps with swinging arms".

Clearly insane, yet quite amusing

oxymoron

If virgin take over northern rock will there be a name change? northern virgin?

Bareback No More

Poor The Ledger! Let's just hope he'd finished Batman first. Bet Terry Gillam is none too chuffed after losing his leading actor half-way through his new film mind - que Brandon Lee/Oliver Reed technology

Tis very tragic n' such like but the friggin overkill (pardon the pun) already, is Diana-esque: Sky showing clips of his corpse in a body bag being taken out of his apartment, the so-called "analysis" of his life by reporters who profess to know him. Bet Liverpool have found a tenuous link to him somehow and are having a day of rememberance, and 3 minute silence as they lose "one of their own".

Anyhoo, did some good films, aces actor and could ride in my rodeo anytime - laters Heath x

shitty of culture innit

'Merseyside' again......Amanda Monti was jailed for 2½ years today for pulling off her ex-boyfriends testicle (and not in the good way). Monti then attempted to swallow the offending appendage (this is showing a serious lack in sex education in North West schools) before spitting it out (obviously not a convent education) and having her friend hand it back to a by now naked Geoffrey Jones.

Jesus H, is is me or are ladies getting completely the wrong idea about oral these days?



http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/4253849.stm

Self Pity City whinging? Surely not

These fuckers are unbelievable. Apparantly the scousers are "up in arms" at Ringo (the one from the Beatles who did more for Thomas the Tank Engine than he did for the group), for him saying there is about as much chance of him returning to Liverpool as there is as Shitney Beers being Mum of the Year.....maybe. Yes, any excuse to a single yourselves out yet again.....

When on stage at the Capital of Culture launch Ringo said he was "so close" to coming back to the land of theives, the unemployed, and "victims" - tempting innit!!? Unsurprisingly, he quickly retracted this foolhardy statement when asked about it on Jonathan Ross:-

" Look I love Liverpool. I was a child in Liverpool. I grew up in Liverpool. My family members are in Liverpool. But you know..."

No need to go on Ringo, we sooooooo know..............its full of twats and a shithole.

One member of the public said: "I am disgusted by the way he mocked Liverpool after having the red carpet rolled out for him by the city only last week. He is happy enough to turn up here after 40 years to blatantly cash in on the city of culture tag but then slags the place off when he is safely back in London schmoozing with Jonathan Ross".

Yep, that'll be right, and to be fair you can't blame him

*lays another wreath for Liverpool*

*has 5 minute silence*

*sniggers*

Housewine

Following on from the Doherty rant, seems the soon-to-be female version (albeit with talent) is making the headlines too: shocker!

The Scum has filmed blonde rat's nest Housewine smoking a crackpipe, after knocking back 6 valium. Sweet jesus, in my day it was 2 paracetamol and cider through a straw!

Get some help luv seriously. You make good records and can sing. Would be a shame for you to shuffle off soon, even though your odds are no doubt getting smaller each day for Celebrity Death Watch. Get rid off Fielder-Civil (no need for your 2 names), find a nice jewish boy, and eat chicken soup to the (kosha) cows come home x

moist for the wrong reasons

BBC weather this morning the girly (not Carole Kirkwood, she's a professional) it was when they went to the regional weather, she referred to the approaching blustyiness as 'more windier' I give up now that the bastion of received pronunciation has fallen to 'yoofs' at the helm

That said Carole's good, but she does sometimes get a bit giddy. I think she has a soft spot for Turnbull. She giggles at anything he says. I don't like the bloke they sometimes use for the evening news - I don't know his name, but he's about 45, camp, a bit eccentric. He rattles through the regions at a right old pace, and he repeats himself a lot. "South West: windy. Midlands: windy. Wales and Northern Ireland: yes, windy."

As you were