confession watch

Unknown to the Hooded Claw, we've been eating Argentinean steak. Its sublime but if I tell him he'll spoil the whole dinner with the woes of Simon Weston*; and that's not what you want over your creamy pepper sauce. It would be the roasted vegetable cous cous debarcle all over again.



*god bless him and all who serve this the best of nations..........in the deep mid-winter frosty winds made moan, earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone, snow fell on snow, snnnooooow on snow.....................

the drugs don't work

dog has fleas, oil leaking, no hot water, limited patience, crashed car and ripped my 'princess & the pea' pumps. Plus it seems I am incapable of going to buy dog food without also getting everyone a new pair of slippers..............

Fairy in short attention span, no spatial awareness shocker

'Your driving reactions may be impaired whilst taking this medicine'* it clearly states on the box, funny how it didn't registered with me as I plowed into the back of the stationary vehicle in front!



*other mood modifying drugs are available and this blog no way endorses laughing at the mentally unstable or the taking of recreational pharmaceuticals (yeah right)

Is it autumn yet?

We are now under a showery airstream to end the working week. Winds are in the West and with low pressure placed out in the Atlantic, so the showers will rattle in over the next few days. For today, the heaviest of the showers are likely across Western areas. This means the further East or North-east you are, the better the chance of seeing sunshine. During Friday things change as showers clump together in more organised bands (troughs) and head in from the West. This regime will continue throughout the weekend with some heavy, slow moving showers pushing in from the South-west. It's difficult to pinpoint which areas are most at risk, however higher terrain across the South-west and Wales could see a fair accumulation before the weekend is out.

If only I had an isobar chart...................

Miss Haversham: OUTED!

According to http://www.myheritage.com/ I resemble, amongst others, these 2 stunners. That is all

Get my mop and bucket

According to today's MEN* 88% of woman polled would rather have a successful career than a rich husband, they go on to quip that today's woman would rather be Tessa Jowell than Coleen McLoughlin. What a crock of shit.

Who wants the vote? Who actually can be arsed after a day sitting in a smelly office dealing with retards and dementors, getting home on a sweaty sweaty cattle truck aka the Metrolink system which rarely runs on time and/or has enough trams**, making tea/diner/supper (delete according to your class) for ungrateful Hooded Claw and The Boy, walking dog, doing laundry and watching Corrie*** to walk a mile and a half to the polling station to vote for some damp handed, bi-sexual liar whose publicity picture could be used on a Crimewatch e:fit?

AND who wants to get up at 6am, walk the dog, load the dishwasher, put the bin out before making sure everyone can find appropriate socks and go to Manchester in the dark and drizzle to return 12 hours later damp and decayed, eh? DO YOU?

No, you don't and neither do I. Roll on the 1950s

*other 'regional' rags espousing the virtues of industrial wastelands turned housing estates are available
**other dire, unhygenic and unreliable forms of public transport are available
***other 'opp north' soaps which caricature the northern working classes and make the cockneys feel grateful to be in the comfort zone of the M25 are available

Yer can think again sunshine!!

Miss Haversham was laid up all yesterday (which my boyfriend interpreted as got laid all yesterday - argument narrowly avoided) due to an "unsafe system of work" at Davestock; at least that's what his lawyers are saying. His ladyship is currently smacked off her tits on paracetamol and anti-inflamms and has a gait resembling John Wayne. Surprisingly this is for once NOT due to an execessive amount of gay lovin'.

It has been suggested that, due to my immobility, there may have to be some role reversal in the bedroom department.....................in the words of Juan Ivés "I'M NOT A FAN!!!"


Celebacy beckons...........for a week maybe

It's September FFS!!! Seasons Greetings? Cock off!

A certain well known chemist (and I do mean the prescription outlet, not the pub in Rammy) is stocking xmas cards already. Am speechless and livid.

It is only xmas, if and when, the Germans arrive in Mancunia with mulled wine.

I don't care about the fucking scenery find me a cigarette

Miss Haversham has taken to her bed due to the injury sustained on Saturday/Sunday. Lets hope she doesn't sue.

I can smell cow shit

No pictures will be published to protect the innocent although I can tell you that there were few innocents at Davestock 06 yesterday.

A great time was had by all, especially Ty who did his laundry. I would recommend that you do not invite this man to your festival unless you want red wine everywhere and carnage in the apple crumble.
There were yoofs in attendance sans hoodies due to the clement weather and your correspondents were assured that should the 'kids' be missionin' to the shop and it took longer than 7 minutes then it was a 'star trek', innit. In fact the yoofs were 'chillin' and got up the next morning and cleared the garden of debris, bless. Hug a hoodie people.

The Evilfairy and Miss Haversham found to their delights that it is not big or clever to take poppers on a bouncy castle; but it is hysterically funny.

The evening came to an abrupt end at 2am as Miss H did a swan dive from the stage taking the PA system with her and severely denting th'ipod. She is today nursing a bruised ego (is that possible?) and has been placed in a radox bath to recover. I have however manage to escape with a minor ankle injury and some cuts and bruising to feet.

Roll on Davestock 07

FFS! Just need a rant

I swear to God, Jehovah *insert chosen diety here* that the last hour of a Friday is officially the longest hour of the twatting week. In a fantastic mood today; everything's gone well, out tonight, done lots of work, done a lot of monging and had a Strawberry Smoothie to boot (*). BUT PUUUUURLEASE just make time pass a little quicker

Anyhoo, this made me smile. Joey anyone?

http://youtube.com/watch?v=2BtIAFJ7neE



* - other fruit smoothies are available from all good retailers

Scouser in Crime and Drugs Shocker!!

Yep, the scouse wanker, Craig Charles, (quite literally) with a penchant for crack (oh er) has been charged with possession of a class A. The Corrie team are apparantly meeting with him to "discuss his future". Could lead to "jobless scouser shocker" me thinks. No doubt there will be a 3 minutes silence for him.

You may need these guys sunshine http://www.talktofrank.com/ - to be fair I don't think they're very good. I called them t'other day, asked where I could score some Bolivian marchin' powder from, and the bitch hung up!! Am writing to the Daily Mail as we speak

film, two words, first word, 2 syllables.........

Lionel Blair has saved a man from jumping from the end of a pier. Blair and non funny Jimmy Carr were filming the pilot episode 0f a new tv series when they heard that the man was going to jump and rushed to his aid. It begs the question doesn't it...Surely the poor geezer had witnessed the filming and thus was encouraged to end it all.

addendum: I was misinformed Li was with ALAN Carr who is very very funny. Could it be then that Blair rescuing said geezer by saying 'Come on I'm Lionel Blair off the telly and this is Alan Carr,come and have a drink with us' before grabbing his arms and yanking him over Blackpool Pier is just one of Al's Friday Night Project sketches............

who's bad? (bad grammar I know)

I understand from 'the streets' (not the band but the local yoof) that the word du jour is 'shocking' but in typical 'kids' fashion this now means good as in:

• Your hair is like well shocking (man) = that's a jolly nice coiffure

Its all too much for me, what's next suicide bombers in the name of Methodism?

I Heart LK

A GMTV boss has quit after accidentally sending a text message to presenter Lorraine Kelly saying she hated her. Benedetta Pinelli meant to fire off the angry text to her husband after falling out with Kelly while filming on location in Namibia. Instead she sent Kelly a message which read: "I hate LK." Realising her mistake, she immediately resigned from her job in charge of the LK Today* show. The drama unfolded last week during a three-day trip to Africa to film cheetahs being released into the wild. "Benedetta made a massive mistake and fell on her sword. She is hugely embarrassed about the whole thing," said an insider on the ITV1 programme. "It was entirely her decision to leave. Lorraine played no part in her resignation.
"Lorraine just wants to forget about it and move on. It's so rare to hear a bad word about her because she is a very well-loved presenter here." Benedetta, who joined GMTV five months ago as Head of Lifestyle, has already found a new job with a film company. She said: "I'm leaving a strong show behind and I'm very proud of my team. In fact I'm taking them out for a farewell drink tonight."

MOBO awards last night - when are we having the MOGO, MOCO or MORO awards eh? Expect a letter MOBO moochers and a full campain from the Daily Mail**

All the best Hamster

*other lame, tired format shows for people who can't be arsed to get a job are available
** other right wing, racist, sexist, bummerist, badly written with appalling syntax rags are available (The Sun)

It's an Aussie Invasion!

First, they were happy in their own soaps, then they took our pantos, now they're coming to the Dales. Yep, Madge "voice of Rothmans(*)" Bishop (nee Ramsey) is to star in Emmerdale! Its the start of an invasion people! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

*remembers Enoch Powell's rivers of blood speech; stops instantly*

Yup, Anne Charlston is joining the soap to play Edna's long lost sister. She's the bint who has a hat for hair in case you're unsure. Bless!

* other brands of cigarettes are available

Football Managers Want Good Players Shocker

Well, cheers to the beeb for licence fee money spent on "cutting edge" journalism on last night's Panaroma. Ok, "big Sam" will probably be confining his mong son to his room this morning with no Frosties for breakfast (*) but it was hardly a f**king revelation was it. eg



Dodgy Agent: ohhhhhh we've got *insert player on top of everyone's wish list here* - do you want him to play for you

Manager: ohhhhhh yeah! Defo!

Dodgy Agent: Ah ha!! bang to rights for "tapping up"

GET OUT U MAHHOOSIVE C**T! It's hardly the equivalent of cracking the Enigma Code is it.

VERY disappointed. On the plus side I did watch Tristam Shandy's a Cock and Bull Story with Steve Coogan which was VERY funny.


* other breakfast cereals are available, thankfully without an annoying "Sarth Afrikcan" saying there gonna taste Grrrrrreat

Lance Bass: hung like a National winner?

A bit late on the uptake, but er "stumbled" across this pic of Lance Bass's fella from N-Sync: Reichen Lehmkuhl.

The guy is a ex RAF (albeit U.S. of MoFo'g A), a model, and generally fit as a butcher's!! I may not be Brad Pitt but Lance must be packing some serious trouser padding, cos let's face it he's hardly catch of the day.

Yours

Outraged and Bemused of Mancunia

you can't make it up (well you could but it would just be 'Doug invented the cash machine'** all over again)

LONDON (Reuters) - Surgeons in China who said they performed the first successful penis transplant had to remove the donated organ because of the severe psychological problems it caused to the recipient and his wife. Dr Weilie Hu and surgeons at Guangzhou General Hospital in China performed the complex 15-hour surgery on a 44-year old man whose penis had been damaged in a traumatic accident. The microsurgery to attach the penis, which had been donated by the parents of a 22-year-old brain-dead man, was successful but Hu and his team removed it two weeks later. "Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off," Hu said in a report published online by the peer reviewed journal European Urology, without elaborating. "This is the first reported case of penile transplantation in a human," Hu added


**Doug DID invent the ATM (that's what the geeks call a cash machine - probably)

Davestock 06

If you managed to avoid last years Davestock then get your excuses at the ready as Davestock II (more Hotshots Part Deux than Godfather Part 2) takes place this Saturday 23rd September. The usual fare of semi cook sausage, Rosie's famous chilli con carnage, live music and, of course, spinning around a broom. The obligatory bouncy castle is provided for the 'kids' and all the action starts at 3pm and for further info or rubbish directions contact me. You could contact Miss Haversham but she knows 'nowt'.

Who wants to be a Millionaire?!

Not Mrs T. Well not to be married to one anyhoo. Seems Ingrid has grown weary of Tarrant's roaming todger and the couple are to split.

I can't abide this man and his 2 tone grey army of suits, his smugness, his self importance and his once classic speech when accepted a TV Award: "I'd like to thank all of you out there; the little people". I am pretty sure this wasn't a reference to the midgets he used to have on Tiswas, but moreover a reference to the "G.P." - the general public. GET OUT Tarrant!!

DIY Rage

I f ing HATE painting, and its not even the good painting its f ing undercoating. b stard cnut dulux*

http://www.stephen.hull.btinternet.co.uk/brush.html there are some sick people out there


phew that's better, I'll get on


*other frustrating manufacturers are available

Monday Blues

Yep, it's that Monday morning feeling again. After a hot date on Friday and a bit of evil wine yesterday I needed something to make me smile.

This little beauty has had me gigglin' like a child. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuTf7rPIuY8

heather weather altogether what's its gonna do.......

Showing my age (29) there kids.

Saturday The cloud across the South-east continues to spread North-west into the Midlands. Not much in the way of rain, but the cloud will reside across the Midlands with Northern areas and Scotland seeing the best of the weather. Hurray.

Sunday Low confidence (20%) in the timing of the cloud associated with the frontal system pushing in from the West. It's associated with remnants of Hurricane Florence, (fcuk knows what's happened to Gordon) but models are not handling the interaction in the Atlantic at the moment very well. As such, the best guess forecast is for a fine day for Central and Eastern areas, but it will cloud over from the West, perhaps the rain edging into Cornwall and Devon in the early hours, but this could be delayed.

Are we still having a drought?

Warrington:

Just begs the question, why? I shall not be visiting again. Upon leaving the hotel, I asked the "female" from middle earth working behind reception if she could call me a taxi. "You can always get a bus" came the reply. "Do NOT be RIDICULOUS I replied". To say I was incandescently vexed is putting it mildy. I turned on heel and minced off

As you were.........

Hoff Watch

The Hoff is the most watched television star in the world according to the Guinness Book of Records. His ex-wife has described him as the most self-promoting man in the world (yeah right luv; you've not met me) and the man himself is due to star in a musical about...........yep his life!

*immediately contacts Andrew "shopping bags for eyes" Lloyd Webber for Miss Haversham the musical "From Poppers to Pistachios"*

David, we salute you!

James Herriott

A miracle of nature! One of the dairy herd calved (yes I can speak the country lingo) yesterday afternoon. What an honour to witness something so touchingly beautiful as the simplicity of natural instinct, coupled with the stench, blood, mud, noise and placenta *shudder* Still it was a lovely little calf who will grow up to be a gorgeous sunday lunch. Mmmmmm

The Hoff Has Landed

http://www.pipexhoffworld.com

Green Leaf

RIDINDIRTYWATCH: the £70 million that the government has spent on drugs & drink education since 1996 has had its success measured as slight or non existent and even counterproductive. "We've seen over the last 10 to 12 years, particularly among young women, (Campbell & Richards) our consumption of alcohol has virtually doubled. "We are also seeing across the whole of the UK a dramatic rise in the amount of cirrhosis of the liver that's caused by chronic drinking and we are now the fastest growing country in Europe in terms of alcoholic cirrhosis" said someone in a white coat

OUTRAGEWATCH: www.holymoly.co.uk has been hacked by an anti-war johnny foreigner and now I can't idle my time away with cnuts corner - whats the world coming to?

WWW.IAMROB.CO.UK: Is it just me or have the people on Lost not changed in any way whatsoever? On a serious note, where do they go poo? Do they do what they do at Westhoughton Dog Track and bury it in the sand???

WEATHERWATCH: The Atlantic Hurricane Season continues in remarkable style as Tropical Storm Gordon is upgraded to Hurricane with sustained winds of 110mph. Currently, Gordon is doing what we would expect of something out of the bottle, staggering around in the Atlantic trying to find his front door keys. Although Gordon is a category 2 (of 5) Hurricane, he is likely to continue to strengthen over the next few hours to reach category 3 by this time tomorrow. At present, no land is at risk and Gordon is expected to continue to move North-North-east over the next few days before, like Florence, getting caught up in the Polar Jet stream and being ripped apart before heading towards the UK early next week. I shall keep you in the loop.

TEAWATCH: Lawson's last night with the bummer for jacket potatoes, salad and choice of toppings although I draw the line at cold baked beans - not right

SCUMWATCH: I think the red team won something. As the bum chum and I were driving passed Theatre of Shite we had all doors and windows locked as lardy Jocks were very scary. Unfortunately my sausage jockey passenger was unable to advise what kind of tournament this was as neither of us believe that Scottish teams are in the premiership. Please advise.

GHETTOWATCH: 'bruvs, wot u talkin bout??? bumba clat u get my blud, innit me bredren' I suspect this is nothing to do with 'missionin' (have I used the correct syntax?) to the shop for a white sliced!

GARDENLEAVEWATCH: It pissing down, how am I expected to participate?

Rainman are we still on for 1pm?

Good Grief

Malley nee Richards wrote: According to the BBC website (other websites are available)the wave of grief for naturist and 'larrikin' Steve Irwin is similar to that displayed by the Brits for Princess Diana.> > Also my trainee asked why we didn't have a minute's silence yesterday for the people in the Trade towers. *Lights the touch paper and steps back*

Carter USB wrote: They only asked for 1 minutes silence? What is the world coming to. Grief should be on a sliding scale when it comes to silences. The twin towers deserves 2 minutes 30 as a minimum. Oh, hang on, didn't we only do 2 for the tsunami? Loads more people died then. Can we settle on 1min45 for the twin towers then? Any advance... Sorry 'bout that.

Miss Haversham wrote: ahhhhhhh but you're forgetting *picks up Daily Mail* - they're from that Asia place innit. Also. Note we hear nothing about the earth quakes in India now and all the people that were blatantly gonna freeze to death -not in America, therefore don't matter. Presumably someone took them abox of swan vesta and some twigs* gets off soapbox*

Tyrone wrote: May be a formulaic scale e.g. x multiplied by y divide by z= time of silence in 1/2 seconds x= number of dead y= sliding scale of how well known they were 1 -10 (1 not known/too many to mention - 10 very famous) z= sliding scale of how people really give a t+ss whether the peopleare dead or not (10 we couldn't really give a rat's as)s 1 = oh my god Icant believe it I will really miss him/her what a loss to the world i.e 2974 dead in twin towers x 1(who were these people?) = 2974 divide by 8 (I'm sure someone will miss them) =371.75 seconds = 184.88 seconds= 3.09 mins silenceTsunami victims would get 200000 x 1 divide by 8 = 25000 1/2 seconds =416 mins silence - obviously people will be very bored on this one but will mean we all don't have to do any work for about 7 hours

The Lunt wrote: The boy borders on aspergers but is a genius

Leyds wrote: Well fair dincome Tye, as Stevie Irwin would have said (what rating does he get?) ....that's certainly beaten your Fire Exit study..

Tyrone wrote: Steve Irwin = 1 Person x 8 famous scale divide by 8 (do we really give at@ss?)= 1/2 second silence = nuff said.

Leyds wrote: Crikey that's a bit mean... As for the Aussies having their Diana moment !?! Surely that was Asheswhen they crashed and burned ? Sorry that's bad...

Tyrone wrote: I don't know if you really missed him (i.e you were Australian - he'd get a full 4 seconds silence- enough for someone who used to really p!sswild animals off for a reaction

Thursday 9th Marsh 2006

Freddie's missus has a little boy freddie called Corey (no need) -you're a northerner man, not from f**king LA!

AND Bad light and rain stops play on day one of the second Test with England118-3 and Kevin Pietersen 43 not out - still luvin the gay hair Kev

Singer Boy George has had a charge of possessing cocaine dropped by a New York court, and fined a grand for wasting the rozzers time

QT - Hazel "meer cat" Blears (got I hate that smug bitch) is on thepanel tonight. ROSE - expect texts of venting spleen

Shitney Beers is rumoured to bringing another Federchav into the world -oh deep joy.

Vacuous retard Old Spice, Geri, is chosing names for her nipper due inMay - Leonardo for a boy and Stella for a girl. She just oozes class this one. A boy named after a skin thin "actor" who has more than a passing resemblance to an elf, and a girl named after a beer (fair play actually) and the daughter of an egocentric scouser who had a couple of hits in 60s, formed a band named after a sanitory towel (wings) and then married a one-legged money grabbing Geordie slag hag. - GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!

Mariah Carey: "I'm Losing My Ass" - "I've been working out like mad -you can even punch me in the stomach and feel how tight that is". - oh don't tempt me luv! Lets work on losing that voice shall we ? Crackwhore! Apologies for the venom - am feeling quite pithy this morning. Had steak last night (cooked by my lovely fella) and getting a bit aggressive on the red meat........ *insert innuendo here*

SMITHWATCH

hang the dj hang the dj hang the dj hang the dj hang the dj hang the dj hang the dj.....will someone please put Morrisey's suit on a hanger. JW

BLOGWATCH: www.iamrob.co.uk sheer drunken misspelt class

CHRISTMASWATCH: Sprouts now on. Only 95 days to go.

HOFFWATCH: Big and orange but he did have KITT with him and we spied Stanway shiftily trying to pretend he wasn't there for the Meister.