Toffs

Struggled with the Times crossword this week:

Plain type of biscuit (4,6): B _ T _ O _ I _E _

Had to Google it and got the answer. It's Bath Oliver, which apparently is a "well-known" biscuit that was invented by Dr William Oliver of Bath. Dr O was a physician who wanted to come up with a healthy snack for his patients, (much like Mr Kellogg, the wealthy land owner who decided to develop a healthy breakfast for his staff, to keep them healthy and happy in their work). You wouldn't get that nowadays, would you? Your family GP wouldn't spend his spare time working to develop health foods - he'd leave that sort of quackery to that awful hunchback scot off the telly, who claims to be a doctor but is in fact simply a nutritionist with a 'qualification' which she obtained by post. And could you imagine a wealthy land owner - Lord Bath, for instance - devising a nutritious and tasty snack to keep his plebs in order? No. He's too busy auctioning off his family's centuries-old collection of fine art so that he can continue to drive round in vintage sports cars and not get his hair cut.

www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com

Things I've Learnt This Week

Elephants will stay away from your vegetable patch if you plant chili

Blonde's shouldn't wear yellow

Dermot O'Leary can't go to sleep until he has kissed his bedroom window(oh to be a pane of glass)

Cows wee louder than any other domesticated mammal

Hose piping the hanging baskets just leads to soil everywhere is not a time saving substitute for the watering can (with rose attached)

Using your husbands debit card without his knowledge is not theft or fraud

Antibiotics obtained from the vet work just as well for humans

Cluck Me

Sky Call Centre: So are you calling from Manchester (obviously waiting for their system to load and advised to make small talk in order to sell me more shite)

Evilfairy: Yes

Sky CC: We're in Middleton

EF: Oh, that's not far

Sky CC: no almost neighbours. Are you at work

EF: Yes

Sky CC: Me too

better late than heather (mills)

Yes, yes I was in watching some of Comic Releif (I know Miss Haversham would have been raving on horse tranquilers somewhere in the village; but its horses for courses)

Little Britain!! Jesus, don't get me started. It was always a poor man's Fast Show at best - and there's a good reason they stopped making the Fast Show, great as it was in its day. There's only so much you can do with catchphrase comedy like that. Walliams and Lucas just took the idea, dressed up as women a bit, peppered their sketches liberally with near-the-knuckle 'humour' designed to cause offence as much as mirth, and bludgeoned the nation into submission with the same old tired catchphrases endlessly repeated across two BBC channels. Quite why the country fell for it, I just don't know. History will hopefully remember them as nought but imitators and charlatans. Now get them off my screen, please, and let's have some proper comedy instead of an endless rehash of the same clichéd characters in 'different' sketches.

Whilst I'm on a roll, I loved the 5o0 miles vid (just for the star spotting from my childhood) but for Christs sake Kay there is only much value you can get out of your salt of the earth Bolton Boy Made Good. Get a decent fucking haircut and whilst you're at it a new act. That said loving the re-runs of Phoenix Nights.

Shameless. I'll say. First and Second series were the halcyon days before its decent into mediocrity. They should bow out now and stop flogging a dead horse, but I hear there's another series in production and a fake set built on an industrial park in wythenshawe. The new Corrie?

Is Yorkshire the Greatest? - Surely Not (Don't call me Shirley)

West Yorkshire Council have overturned music festival organisers decision to ban a school from performing 'The Three Pigs' as it might offend Muslims, calling the decision 'barmy'.

Does this mean that Yorkshire (bearing in mind Harrogate have rejected all applications from Tesco to build superstore) is the only sane part of the UK left?

Or perhaps the Councillor was having the age old argument of breadcake/barm cake/muffin.

this is now what we signed up for

Here's my latest update from MI5:

268 historic Security Service files have been released today by the National Archives, adding to the more than 3,000 files already on public display. The majority of the files cover the Second World War, but there are a considerable number of others covering the inter-war and post-war periods.
Highlights include files on the British atom spy Alan Nunn May; the writers W.H. Auden and Christopher Isherwood; the anti-Nazi movement in Germany; and the suspected Communist saboteur John Salisbury.
To read more about these files, please see "National Archives release, 2 March 2007"

what about the black ops, search for Saddam, bumping off media whores? I can only apologise people

antarica only has one atm

who for the chuffing penguins?

no doubt Tesco have hadit installed in readiness for the next Tesco Express. And you wonder why they are on the list.......

so I married an 'axe' murderer

http://www.rokgroup.com/myarea/news.jsp?newsId=242&searchterm=rawtenstall


http://www.highvoltage.org.uk/displaydemoreview.asp?num=128&band=145

especially for veals

www.somethingjewish.co.uk

Post Bag

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,' Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well I can't be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley Remand Centre awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man in the cell with me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on his forehead and is serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder.

S Hymen, Risley Remand Centre


The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the an*s. That's not good luck in my book.

Milos el Standish, Barcelona


I have recently started to m*sturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am g*y, straight or a p*edophile. What do your readers think?
D Barclay

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.

Les Barnsley, Barnsley

£1 a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b#stards.

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria


How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An*l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm
sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach

It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the
living room carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

I see in the papers that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

Dave Owen, Edinburgh

This Value Added Tax is a rip-off. I was expecting a great deal on a car the other day, and I ended up having to pay an extra 17.5% for it. There is no way that's added value. If anything, I'm about three grand out of pocket.

Jon Cooke, Leicester

The suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?

Magnus, Sheffield

I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can
only dream of.

Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor s*ds?

John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail

Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds
debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.

Gary Beergut, e-mail

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

I have just spent three hours making custard using Delia's recipe and it's a triumph, in that it tastes just like Bird's Instant.

A.W. Thompson, Email

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great sh*g. Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

How come my gran survived the horrors of the Blitz, but has been so badly traumatised by the clocks going back that she can't stop banging on about it? The stupid whispy-chinned b*tch.

Anon

"I may not be a ladeeeee, but I'm allllll woman"

once said "arh Lisa" from Rochdale



and now so is Lisa Jeynes, from Penarth, Vale of Glamorgan, from Big Brother 2003. Remember her? The moody bitch, who........wait....looked like a man. It seems the judiciary also agree as well with the High Court throwing out her libel claim that "she had been portrayed as a man posing as a woman"

British Justice? Best in the World!

*doffs cap*

Ted Heath warned on cruising!?

I'm sure a good holiday would have done him good................oh

Yes, the worse kept secret EVAH, other than Thomas "Thetan" Cruise being a straight as a roman road, looks finally to be out. Ted "confirmed batchelor" Heath may have been an enemy of Thatcher, but was certainly a friend of Dorothy. A gay member of the London Assembly has claimed that former PM Sir Ted was warned to stop cottaging. Brian Coleman, a gay Tory (oh well there's a thing!)claims that Sir Edward was warned by police to stop cruising for sex as part of a vetting process in 1955. He did, and went on to become Chief Whip under Anthony Eden and then PM later in life

*pictures Ted in the throes*

*shudders*

Leaving a "tip"!?

A man in a restaurant in that London place we hear so much about has cut off his penis in front of bemused diners. Surgeons at the hospital were apparantly UNABLE to reattach it.

Sweet child of mine, if was short of cash he could've just said "I'll owe yer". Either that or perhaps it was a drunken bet gone wrong, but FFS, I'd need a hell of a lot of ale inside me to even contemplate a steak knife coming near my prized marrow aka purple-headed warrior etc [insert psuedonymn here]

They aint no Guiness Breasts

A solicitor has been jailed for 15 months for smuggling cannabis in her bra. Now, to be fair I know the picture isn't that great but it must have been a small stash; her udders don't look that sizeable. I know a bird who can quite easily accomodate a pint of Guiness in her's.

Looooooooook at me!

It appears that Old Spice is trying to do a JK Rowling by turning her "talents" to writing - FFS!

This Booker Price contender is basing her book on characters from her life. Ugenia Lavender is the main character who encounters "interesting" people on her adventures who are based on the ginger whinger's past associates ie Princess Posh Vatoria - hmmmmmmm who could this be. Subtle, Geri, very subtle.

I wonder if at one point Vagina Lavender develops an unhealthy obssession with a superstar popstar who prefers the company of gentlemen, with a perchant fpr wandering through an "enchanted forest" in clapham in the wee hours. No doubt Man-gina will convince herself in her tiny tiny brain that he will "come to his senses" and whisk her off to live happily ever after.

GET OUT!!

Shiny Happy People?

I do love Brave Kylie but FFS woman, TONE DOWN THE BOTOX!! THIS ladies is NOT a waxwork believe it or not!

*applies matt finish make-up*

*tries to frown*

The List - new entry

Restaurant Bar and Grill - the cheeky MoFo's

Soooooooo, I'm in there t'other week with Mr Havs and a few chums (not bum ones) and ale was flowing merrily (although at nearly 4 squid a pint, also cautiously).

As the evening progressed, a certain lady and I began to sing "Don't cry for me Argentina", which is perfectly normal I think. Que, small dicked "waiter" (yes you git, you are no better than a shop boy) came over and said "there's a reason we have CD's on, can you be quiet please". I was utterly struck dumb, which is no easy task I can tell yer.

Needless to say the homophobic MFs have been added and may well have stormed ahead of Vodafone if it wasn't for the fact they do lovely mojitos.

Be warned! Miss H is watching you!

Is there life on Mars?

Maybe not, but I least I know that someone is reading this pile of shit, as Evilfairy and I have had eyebrows raised at the lack of posts - yey!

Watch this space.........