FFS

Mr Straw said: "If Gordon Brown had had even a sniff that this was going on, he would have stopped it immediately, as would have I." He added that "for a long time this was an unknown unknown. The moment it became a known known, we got on to it."

But what about when it became a known unknown, or even an unknown known (presumably there is some sort of halfway stage). Would that have had his arse twitching?

These questions need to be asked. What is Paxman playing at?

Oh dear!

God daughter of Alex "red-faced-chewing-gum-obsessed-Jock" Ferguson has apparantly been infected with the Doherty virus. The somewhat naive and hygiene lacking bint had a daliance with corpse like Pete in October and thought "it was love". Needless to say, he can't remember who she is (nor probably who he is) and she's preggers.

Apparantly she said pyrexial Pete was attracted to her because "he told me he liked me because I was intelligent and straightforward as well as sweet and innocent". Such a juxtaposition innit!!?

Never mind love. You may find this link helpful:-

http://www.sexualhealth.org.uk/

Begs the question why though surely? Although judging from above, it's not difficult to see why women fall at his feet is it? I mean, soooooooooooo handsome!

GET OUT FFS!!

Sweet!

Saturday, Hillsborough:

Sheffield Wednesday 2 Sheffield United 0

(first and last football post, I promise)

Ok, so Vera shuffled off Coronation St on Friday to a few tears and I have to confess to having a Kleenex handy at 7.30pm and 8.30pm, and this wasn't because I was watching a "speciality" DVD.

All very sad n' all, but it is me, or did Jack rather assume that his little swampduck was dead rather quckly. "Come on V, wake up", was uttered about twice, before he twigged, that "yep, she's a gonna!". If Mr Havs had done the same to me when I've nobbed off, I've been 6 foot under about a dozen times by now!!

Anyhoo, a visit to Liz's pub The Grapes will no doubt have to take place soon......

things I've learnt this week

• I can no longer buy brazil nuts in shells due to the trace toxins in the shells that could potentially cause liver cancer, I can however still buy cigarettes, live next to a substation or mobile phone mast, eat burnt toast and breath in car exhaust fumes


• I can't drive in heels, Cuban or otherwise


• Don't buy a white winter coat when you have a Jakey Poos


• A Pantechnicon is the correct word for a removal vehicle


• Gump should not be allowed in Asda (god love hime)


• Sherry trifle could affect my ability to drive (it'll be vying with my heels, eyesight, citalopram and lack of hazard awareness)


• A 'jiffy' is actually a unit of time, i.e. a tenth of a second


• Carry on Camping is a comedy classic

and there's more.........

....COCKNEYS. There is no 'K' in something

is it me?

Scientist have expressed concern that the wasp population is decreasing, now whats all the fuss about I thought the birds & the bees did the pollenating and the wasps were just back up?

14 bafta nominations for Atonement?

The Busby Babes, are they still milking that?

Kylies hair.

As you were

Inquest? Hmmmmm

I thought the point of an inquest was to find out how someone died and the circumstances surrounding. I was unaware that it was a media circus where every details of someone's private life is picked over by the salacious public, including gossip and rumour. I was mildly irritated before but now it's the Paul Burrell show I am fecking raging.

It's a sham and a waste of tax payers money to appease readers of the Daily Mail and an egyptian shopkeeper

Stating the bleedin' obvious!

X Factor contestant Rhydian Roberts has never had a serious girlfriend. The boy from the valleys has always "struggled with shyness around women", according to his "mate" (who has been interviewed for a sunday rag). He's a comitted Christian, and may well be a virgin apparantly.

Ring any bells? Sounds like this ageing messiah wannabe who has of course "just not found the right woman".............



His parents have so far been a tad miffed at suggestions that he's a friend of dorothy, and takes it up the wrong-un, but if I were them I wouldn't be looking at wedding dresses for a future daughter-in-law just yet.

Camper than a chain of millets FFS, and probably had more cock than Old McDonalds Farm.

you are so fallen

As someone who doesn't really know her Booty from her bootsy I've been shown the light with this little life saver.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/

the latest

Pantsuits are hot (a la Jaclyn Smith in Charlie's Angels) - not on this rump.

Kate Moss has copied my hairstyle with a full fringe and suddenly she's all over the news - Jesus I did mine a fecking year ago. I shall have to change as do not want to be compared to that crack whore (She'll be sorry anyway when people compare her to Planet of the Apes) and I bet she puts talc in it - skank. Strictly Come Dancing is taking over my life as is Flight of the Conchords http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/conchords/

Queen & Phil the Greek celebrate their diamond wedding anniversary. I will be 95 (and probably dead) when its my diamond wedding anniversaryRealised at lunchtime when I was in M&S that everything I had on was from there. Should I be relieved that it was all last season?

this could run & run

Very busy this morning thinking of songs for Hooded Claw's band to cover:





You can't Slurry Love


Muck 'n' Hoe Star


I got ewe babe


Calf the World Away


God is a DJCB


Hay Boy Hay Girl


Scythe Away


Smells Like Muck Spreading


The Importance of being Inbred


Birdflu Strikes Again


The Boy with the thorn in his scythe


I bet you look good on the Barnfloor


Hay Dude


Last Night a DJCB Saved My Life



Whatever happened to My rake & Hoe


I crack myself up............................

cute

reiniger

sacre bleu

Two boys who hated living in France so much they asserted their Britishness and refused to return to live there with their mother have been granted their wish by senior judges.
In a highly unusual case, Lord Justice Thorpe, one of three judges sitting at the Court of Appeal in London, said that the desire of the brothers, aged 11 and 16, to live in England deserved to be respected and overrode even the wishes of their own mother.
Describing the case as “not just exceptional but very exceptional”, the judge said that the boys’ French mother had taken them back to her homeland with her in 2005 after her marriage to their British father had broken down. But the two boys, who at the time spoke no French, failed to settle into their new lives in a market town in southern France and, after a holiday in England with their father in July this year, refused to return.
The boys’ mother came to England to take them back to France but they insisted that they wanted to stay in England.
The judge added: “Apparently, they told her that [in England] they could walk to school, could have their own key and would not have as much homework.”

stick to the frogs boys

things I learnt last week

• People are stupid, especially people from Levenshulme


• Just because a young man is well spoken and attractive doesn't make him a good packer of carrier bags


• There's a shop on Edgware Road called 'Cake n Bake'


• Having th'ipod in doesn't mean no one can hear you pump


• The Witchway rocks, was on the Sarah Preston today (she was from Padiham), I aspire to have a bus named after me one day

kill tina

Lottery scratch card has been withdrawn from sale by Camelot - because players couldn't understand it.The Cool Cash game - launched on Monday - was taken out of shops yesterday after some players failed to grasp whether or not they had won. To qualify for a prize, users had to scratch away a window to reveal a temperature lower than the figure displayed on each card. As the game had a winter theme, the temperature was usually below freezing.But the concept of comparing negative numbers proved too difficult for some Camelot received dozens of complaints on the first day from players who could not understand how, for example, -5 is higher than -6.Tina Farrell, from Levenshulme, called Camelot after failing to win with several cards. The 23-year-old, who said she had left school without a math's GCSE, said: "On one of my cards it said I had to find temperatures lower than -8. The numbers I uncovered were -6 and -7 so I thought I had won, and so did the woman in the shop. But when she scanned the card the machine said I hadn't."I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher - not lower - than -8 but I'm not having it".

the law's an ass.....

A little-known law which prohibits people dying while in the Houses of Parliament has been voted the UK's most ludicrous piece of legislation. Another law which states it is treason to use a postage stamp upside down was placed in second place by those polled by UKTV Gold *UKTV Gold, you can see where this is going*

The most absurd international law was judged to be in the US state of Ohio, where it is illegal to get fish drunk.

The 3,931 people asked selected the laws from a shortlist of bizarre rules. A total of 27% of those questioned thought the law against dying in the Houses of Parliament was the most absurd, while 7% voted for the legislation banning placing postage stamps upside down

I'm bored now

Roll on 2010

You look like Tommy Steele, I hated you from day one, and you have RUINED my 2008.

It's been a while

I know it's been an age but this work thing has been a biatch of late.



Anyhoo, saw this "gem" and couldn't resist posting. Jobless, wannabe, who falls in "love" within 5 minutes of seeing the female of the species, Paul "oh-Danan", has been sacked from panto for swearing at the crowd: genius!

He apparantly was playing Jack in Jack and the Beanstalk and was the guest star at the xmas lights switch on in..........Preston - how glam! Eff'in the Jeff'in at the crowd of mums and kiddies is probably not the best way to gain favour you utter TWUNT! You are not Fiddy Cent FFS!

Councillor Hudson of the local parish said: "His outburst was a disgrace and an insult to the people of Preston" - surely not Councillor? I mean,.....it IS Preston

*flicks Vs at McFLuff*

x


Tis good to be back and vent some spleen x