the worlds favourite airline

so we arrive at vancouver airport at 3am GMT after being in transit since 11am some time in the past to be told after waiting for an hour at a carosel that our luggage was still at Heathrow, probably.

and this is in Canada, the dirty filthy maple syrup loving b'stards

Poor The Heather!

Soooooo, the Queen of Hearts wannabe Heather Macca-Mills tells a TV show she would rather lose other limbs than repeat the traumas of her marriage breakdown. Ahhhhh, let's hope she does a Liz Taylor .......

Flawless.....Absolutely Flawless!

Yes, Evilfairy and Miss H attended the M.E.N on Friday for the gay kebab seller's first night of his UK tour. The man is a LEGE! He was truly aces although the highlight of the night was perhaps witnessing the fairy's attempts to get 2 soft contact lenses in her peepers whilst sat in the arena before the lights went down. Not that unusual true, but they weren't her lenses, and she doesn't wear lenses anyhoo. The people behind us looked on aghast.

I bought a t-shirt with "too funky" on it, with just a touch of glitter, which doesn't look gay at all.....honest. Regretably, Georgie boy didn't spot me from afar and invite me back to his hotel for a private party. I am sure this was only because he's heard "on the scene" that I am spoken for. Am also sure he spent the night weeping into his kebab at the prospect of an evening without the Haversham. Bless! x

3 weeks of my life stolen!

Yes, as "I'm a Celebrity" kicked off again I cancelled any plans which I may have for weekdays at 9pm for the next 3 weeks. FFS, what a bunch of 'tards! Henshall is making me vent spleen already - an utter caricature of the stereotypical gayer! A mincin', self-obsessed narcacist, attention seeking "all about me" queen. I loathe people like that........


............oh

at the going down of the sun

we have ways of making you diet

I can only read his Sunday Times column in fits and starts, under the bed covers by torch light but know Ernst Blofeld is on BBC2 and his cookery world domination show was the scariest thing I have ever seen on terrestrial television. I fear that the Fat Duck is in fact a subterranean headquarters hewn (oh love getting that in a sentence) from a dormant volcano.

Watch the skies people

http://www.ukturkeys.co.uk/coolstuff/default.aspx

love thy neighbour unless he's in the gays

The warring religions of the world have finally found something to unite them - gay bashing! In Jerusalem, ultra-orthodox Jews and Muslims have come together to try and stop a gay rights march in the city, slated for Friday. There has been burning barricades, stone-throwing and a bomb bearing the words "sodomites out". Muslim politician Tayseer Tamimi said " All religions discredit gays because it is against the decent human nature created by God." And in Scotland Muslims and Christians are spreading a little homophobia together. The Christian People's Alliance and Muslim groups are together fighting "secular values" and pro-gay laws, The CPA even has Muslim candidates standing at the next election.

Ah, bless

YeeeeeeeHaaaaaaaaaa

So the Texas Cowboy is fucked and Donny Rummy "resigns". Hoorah! Let's not forgot Don's highly insightful speech before the war: "there are known knowns, and there are known unknowns. Sometimes there are also unknown knowns" etc - U RIGHT WING FASCIST CUNT - go and play on the firing range and let's see if Cheney shoots ya. According to the beeb this morning, the homophobic goose-steppers (Cheney aside, given that his daughter is partial to drinking from the furry cup) have also lost the Senate - HAVE THAT!

local boy defends northern dialect - probably

fur hooded potty mouth Liam Gallagher has been banned for life from Cathay Pacific Airlines after becoming involved in an air rage incident following an argument about a scone.

Oh I hope it was the old pronunciation set-to that he had.
Gotta love the gobshite

give me a f ing break

Pete Doherty has been voted one of the greatest rock stars of all time by readers of music magazine NME.

Who buys the NME anyway? I'll tell you who, scarf wearing middle income IT gimps trying to hold on to the youth that is retreating faster then their hairlines by buying into anything that smacks (see what I did there) of 'off beat'. Cnuts*

*yes I do kiss my mother with this mouth - pass the soap.

look at him the talentless lisping bean pole** get some rouge on for f's sake


**other methods of securing vegetables are available

You can't polish a turd!

Blackpool's illuminations are to receive a make-over thanks to dandy-fop-camp style "guru" Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. No matter how many frills and baubles you throw at it Lauro, it's still is, and also we be, a total shithole

Hmmmm, look at those "sandy beaches"

Shaken not stirred innit n ting

Soooooo, P-diddy/puff daddy/straight mummy or whatever he calls himself this week wants to be the first black James Bond. Yeah right! Jamie Foxx yes, you no. I hardly think M would appreciate this "home-boy" rockin' up to MI5 with his bling n ting, oversized trousers and an Ipod blastin' out the latest release by "Fiddy Cent". Imagine the scene:

Bond: "check it M, ma bitch, word up blood. Me did well bust a cap in dat Russki"

M: "er, yes well.....quite"

Dream on Diddyman

Smooth as a baby's arse

I had my first facial on Saturday *awaits jokes*. It was aces! Met up with some mates after who advised me I looked glowing. I may get hair extensions and botox next.

felt i should mark our first wedding anniversary

I'll protect you from the hooded claw. Keep the vampires from your door. Feels like fire I'm so in love with you. Dreams are like angels. They keep bad at bay, bad at bay. Love is the light, scaring darkness away, yeah. I'm so in love with you, purge the soul. Make love your goal. The power of love. A force from above. Cleaning my soul. Flame on burn desire. Love with tongues of fire. Purge the soul. Make love your goal. I'll protect you from the hooded claw. Keep the vampires from your door. When the chips are down. I'll be around. With my undying, death-defying love for you. Envy will hurt itself. Let yourself be beautiful. Sparkling love, flowers and pearls and pretty girls. Love is like an energy. Rushin' rushin' inside of me yeah. The power of love. A force from above. Cleaning my soul. Flame on burn with desire. Love with tongues of fire. Purge the soul. Make love your goal. This time we go sublime. Lovers entwine, divine, divine. Love is danger, love is pleasure. Love is pure, the only treasure. I'm so in love with you. Purge the soul. Make love your goal. The power of love. A force from above. Cleaning my soul. The power of love. A force from above. A sky-scraping dove. Flame on burn with desire. Love with tongues of fire. Purge the soul. Make love your goal. I'll protect you from the hooded claw. Keep the vampires from your door.

is 'high' themost satisfying word to type in predictive text?

Am I the only one who appreciates the significance of my purchase of(powder blue, crocheted) tea cosy. What's happened to me? I used tosleep in skips and have to rinse my pants out as I'd not been home all weekend.....

ambition is critical

Quadrant Bus Station, Swansea, has been voted fifth best place for gay cruising in the world....Havers I've done you a mulipmap

i really don't have anything against the pouting lolly stick

The co-writer of Victoria Beckham's new book, That Extra Half An Inch (yeah like she can pinch anything without snapping a rib), was invited to take afternoon tea with Victoria to "celebrate". When she arrived she was told excitedly by Victoria's people that Skeletor had a present for her. Waiting for her was......... a signed copy of the book, which she had co-written anyway, and a bunch of flowers.

Which was nice.

are the gays the only ones still having a poke?

Here is an apology on behalf of the British public to 'The Sun'. We have let you down badly, and we’d just like to say we are very sorry. The Sun hid the terrible news in a few short paragraphs. According to research, it seems we are not as interested in sex as the paper might have had us believe over the years. We don’t sleep around, we don’t have wild three-in-a-bed nights of lust with a Big Brother contestant, and we do not keep our wedding list at Ann Summers.

“The popular perception that millions of sex-mad Brits enjoy sleeping around is a myth,” the paper reports through gritted teeth. According to the Office of National Statistics, more than 70% of men have had just one partner in the past year, while 16% of men had to snuggle up by themselves. “Meanwhile, 81% of women have had just one partner in the past year. As a London University academic told the paper: “Sex is over-hyped in our culture.”

Tell that to Danni, 19, from Coventry as she flutters her eyelashes from page 3 of The Sun only to discover that we’d rather create ipod playlists or make a pot of tea. Tell that to shivering whippet Victoria Beckham, who posed on the front of Wednesday’s paper in suspenders, panties and a flowery bra. Inside — the paper, not the bra — she says she hates flashing her body in public. “I’m quite prudish about things like that,” she insists. But she pluckily overcomes her distaste, also showing off her suspenders to the Daily Mirror.

here's one fo't (that's 'for the' in Bolton) kids

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Step-Step-Knifemaking-You-Can/dp/0615116590/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/202-4793222-6785413

and you thought this blog was moderately controversial

http://matthew-delooze.blogspot.com/2006/09/getting-high-you-cant-beat-it.html

arse

http://click.holymolymailout.co.uk/?ffcb10-fe521d76776c00747412-fdf216777460027f741c757c-fef91679756300

french harold shipman exposed

that was the week that was....shite

monday: did not sleep sunday night for whatever reason slumber escaped me and the pallid grey fingers of the dawn that renched me from my pit were the most unwelcome ever, but hey ho I had the return of the Hooded Claw from London too look forward to. He showed up with his two new 'instant kasabian' jackets ( more like Charles Manson) the two days I'd spent cleaning the midden from top to heel were of course wasted once he'd unpacked (read threw clothes onto bed, floor, and side of laundry basket)

tuesday: cps - bunch of failed LPCers, arse and elbow spring to mind but that would be too kind, followed by trafford centre with hong kong suey who is home for the week and renouned for the her shopping! An £18 party dress from asda for moi, don't tell anyone. Tried to contact keystone kops re The Boys assault but they were all out (taking back handers from hookers - probably)

wednesday: dental outrage - yet another x-ray at £15.50 this time I saw the new dentist who is la francais! Now I'm as zenophobic as the next man but this is really going too too far. I blame the erm, French.

thursday: awoke as usual at 6.45am and prodded the Hooded Claw and let the animals in to The Boys room before taking myself off for my morning abulisions. The Boy then recounted a tale of waking at 3am as Jake Connor Hulme nee Rose was barking and he went downstairs to see what ailed the poor wee pup. Imagine his surprise to find a pisspost on the driveway who he saw off immediately. Imagine my surprise when I opened my car door to find the fecker had slept there and vomited Chinese takeaway all over the drivers seat and steering wheel. And the stupid c-word had left his car and door keys in my car. Have a just completely crapped up my karma somewhere along the way?

saturday: I daren't go anywhere as I have suffered enough this week

sunday: The Sunday Times and perhaps a hot chocolate

Confession Time

Dear Father

It's been about 3 weeks since my last post; please forgive me.