Sloth Returneth

Regular viewers to this blog (like there are any, other than Evil Fairy) will note that some months ago I developed an eye infection and resembled something from "10 yrs younger" post operation for eye bag removal. Imagine my incandescent rage as a practising and fully paid up member of "The Gays", as I awoke this morning to feel a small sty developing on my upper left eye lid.

Sloth returneth?

Just in time for the weekend as well. WHY DOES GOD HATE ME SO MUCH!!?

oh

I believe in a thing called love?!

Who needs Morrisey anyhoo! Yep, Justin Hawkins wants to win song for Europe and go through to represent Eng-er-land on the 12th May in Finland. A camp glam rocker, winning Eurovision? Surely not!? Well, after these guys beat of Javine et al last year, who knows:-


*waves George Cross, kicks Frenchman*

old folks home

st christine: I looked after the children yesterday and they were watching that sponge bob square pants. I always though he was a piece of cheese.

evilfairy: then why did you think he lives at the bottom of the ocean

st chirstine: I didn't realise that he did

http://www.tongs.org.uk/wiki.pl?JamesHarries

this is what happens when you grow up in a small village. BTW don't put 'curly wogan antiques transsexual' in google at work.

things i learned/experienced in rawtenstall*

1. There is a new Asda** which is frequented by yoofs/hoodies that don't deserve a hug.

2. You have to pay up front in the dentist

3. Never heard of humus let alone point you to the felafel isle

4. Everyone under 20 has four kids and no big coat

Anyhoo the point is if anyone can point me in the direction of a sterling silver pickle fork, preferably in a presentation box please post to this site.

I'm obliged m-lud

* that's rottenstall not raw ten stall as the Father in Law (tm) delights in reminding me

**when I say 'new' its been there a year but you know me, my finger is more near the elbow than the wrist area

Things I learned/experienced in Swindon

• The town centre is frequented by lots of "yoofs" who all sound like Vicky Pollard
• There is a very nice retail outlet park and I bought some nice jeans from the Levi shop
• They have a pound shop and a 99p shop
• Mr Havs and I got called puffs in Boots

As you were.

Eeee-bye-gum, am reet proud I am!

Eccles cakes? Chelsea bun?, Lancashire Hotpot? GET OUT THE LOT OF YER!!

The Yorkshire pudding has been named the nation's favourite regional food. It beat the Cornish pasty and the Melton Mowbray pork pie to come first in its category at the Good Housekeeping food awards. *doffs flat cap and puts ferret down trousers*

Lea & Perrins Worcestershire sauce was named the favourite store cupboard ingredient. You can shove yer Lea & Perrins up th'ass I tell thee. Get some Henderson's Relish darn thee neck - made in Sheffield it is, and old ma' Haversham always brings a good supply on her pilgramage ov-er Pennine's.

Yorkshire rules the world. End of.

Only gay(s) in the village

This weekend Mr Havs and I will be off to see my brother, who currently resides near Chippenham. To say this place is backward is an understatement, when compared to the bright lights, big city of Manchestershire. I am pretty convinced that we will be the only gayers - cue application of fake tan, Attitude tucked under the arm, holding hands, and talk of rimming down the local Tesco's to scare the locals. I shall report back after the weekend..........maybe

*Prays for a fall*

Yep, the wannabe Diana of the noughties, the geordie slaghag Heather Mills-Macca is to appear on "Dancing with the Stars" which is basically the spetic tank's version of "Strictly Come Dancing". Other "dazzling" celebs include Billy Ray Cyrus, Muhammad Ali's daughter Laila, former N'Sync singer Joey Fatone and actor Vincent Pastore - who played Salvatore in The Sopranos. It's great to see the Bush lovin mofo's "over the pond" have just as many Z-lists as us.

Let's hope Billy Ray Cyrus breaks her achey breaky neck, as well as her achey breaky heart

The Queen is dead, long live the Queen

As Anna "car crash" Nicole-Smith shuffles off this mortal plane to be with Howard Marshall, who, I hear you ask, will replace her, as the clearly barking, once "attractive" bint who, let's face it, will probably be brown bread in a year or two?

Step forward, every straight boy's favourite redneck, Ms Shitney Beers.

She is clearly insane if see thinks this syrup [left] is remotely convincing.

Shitney, you ole soak, I reckon this is more your style:-

the moral of the story? Internet shopping

It has oft been said that I should not be let out alone, but at lunch time I ventured forth to New Look to buy some rubbish clothing (spotted an all in one leotard/leggings, i.e. cat suit in
grey marl sweatshirt material) but broke my zip in the changing rooms and was forced to shuffle back to the office clutching my skirt in order that it didn't fall and reveal my new (but slightly garish pink pants. Upon getting back to office I found that there was no one there to assist me and therefore after having a small weep in the toilet (from frustration and self loathing) I managed to get the zip up, although I wasn't wearing the skirt at the time. The struggled
to get the skirt on over my head (again to spare the public the sight of my pants) resulted in feeling flushed and slightly damp.

Imagine my utterly anguish therefore to discovery that MEP Robert Kilroy Silk, that leatherface silver fox lothario (he wishes) has made a formal complaint that M&S are deploying mirrors in their changing rooms that make woman look slimmer. Why aren't New Look doing this and ensuring that even with broken zip and pants out I looked a stunner!

I shall be returning for a full refund........

Adieu and farewell to "tiggy lampost"

A Lincolnshire school has banned physical playground games because pupils were copying violent computer games, making playtime "too rough". FFS!! If I didn't come home from school with a grazed knee or a couple of "war wounds" there would be something wrong. What ever happened to British Bulldog or my own personal favourite during the miners' strike in the 1980s, Pickets or Police. The rules were simple: you were either a picketer or a rozzer. Two distinct and opposing groups thus formed, and would set about kicking the shit out of each other. End of.

The ban at St John's Primary at Bracebridge Heath near Lincoln involves contact playground games like "tag" and "kiss chase" - how the frig is kiss chase violent?!! What kind of pupils do they have in Lincoln eh; clones of Peter Sutcliffe!?!

You can't wrap the little mites in cotton wool!! I weep for the future, I really do. We are gonna turn into a nation of cowards if we're not careful. We may as well all live here:-

that's the last time I have goulash

I've just heard from Huw Fairly Whittingtaff on the 10pm news that Bernard Mannings poultry has been infected with man flu by the hungarians. If its not the French (filthy race) its the bleeding Huns.

holy mary mother* of god

A school headteacher is under fire for banning pupils from making Mother's Day cards to avoid upsetting children without a mother. Helen Starkey, 46, fears the time-honoured tradition of making a Mother's Day card at school could be seen as insensitive. As a result, the headteacher of Johnstown Primary School, in Carmarthen, west Wales, simply banned pupils from making cards. But the move was branded as "ridiculous" by one angry parent who has accused her of being insensitive to the majority of youngsters at the 357-pupil school. Mrs Starkey claims she has nothing against Mother's Day (there speaks a barren bint), which falls on March 18 this year, but would not allow pupils to make cards during lessons. "More than 5% of children here are separated from their birth mother and have either no contact or no regular contact with their mother," she said in a statement. "These include children who are bereaved, children whose parents are separated and are not domiciled with their mothers, and children who have been removed from parental care by statutory bodies. In all of our dealings with these children, we have to exercise great sensitivity." She added: "This decision was not taken because of any philosophical attitude towards the celebration of Mothering Sunday, but to protect a significant number of children in our school." But the decision has come in for strong criticism.
One parent, who did not wish to be named, said: "It means 95% of the children have not got an opportunity to make a card. I take issue with the fact that Mothering Sunday is a Christian festival and Mrs Starkey is not allowing children to celebrate in the way they know how."
She added: "This is ridiculous, they will have to ban Father's Day as well, just to be politically correct. Where is this going to end?" I'll tell yer sweetheart....rivers of blood


*no 'daffodil' for you luvvy made from a bit of egg box and some tissue paper

the world has gone cunting mad


http://www.amcr.org.uk/

It leaves your hair looking wonderfully soft and thick!!

Hari's, an "exclusive" hair salon in Knightsbridge, London has taken to using bull's semen as a hair treatment. The mixture is massaged into the client's hair after it has been shampooed. Then the customer is put under a steamer so the treatment penetrates the hair. Finally, it is blow-jobed, er I mine dried. FFS!!!

The semen is taken from bulls on a Cheshire farm apparantly - yeah right!! I can just imagine Farmer Giles knocking one out whilst reading the Daily Sport, bottling it and then sending it to some poncy twat in that London place for a small fortune. Good on yer I say fella!!

And for those who can't afford this "exclusivity"? ............get your blokey to cum in yer hair.

*makes mental note to speak to Mr Havs*

Imagine if you were a dog........

I may or not have been alerted to this by Holy Moly, but regardless of this, please enjoy. Made me weep........with laughter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl6jfOEPJGk

It's the end of an era: *adds Nestle to "The List"*

Lion Bars are to be axed!! Ok, they looked like a nutty turd, no doubt broke many a tooth and had the consistency of glue, BUT they were ACES. The fuckers had made them smaller mind; much like Curly Wurlies and Wagon Wheels, but this is yet another part of my childhood that has been ripped from me and cast aside like a used Kleenex (#)

*sobs for the children of the tomorrow*

Lionbars: we salute you!

# - what the FUCK is Serg Matt Boyden from the Bill doing advertising these, FFS!

is nothing sacred?

as march 17th approacheth, it seems the Deloren group (or whoever it is who owns Guinness these days) isn't making enough money so have launched (wait for it) Guinness Red - the same bitter burnt wood taste only lighter and sweeter.

Is red the new black? is this the start of Stout alchopops? Can I end a blog without the Australian habit of turning everything into a question?

Next they'll be after me lucky charms begorra

'viva are kid'

There was a moment as we waited for the annoucement of whether Manchester had secured the Olympic games when we held our breath and believed for a moemt we could do it. Well all the hurt can be forgotten as it was announced today that Manchester will be the site of the UK's first ever super-casino. The winning bid organisers said it would regenerate a poor area of east Manchester, promising a £265m investment and 2,700 direct and in direct jobs in one of the most deprived parts of the country. The casino would be based at Sportcity in the Beswick area of Manchester (class), close to the City of Manchester Stadium, now used by Manchester City FC and built for the Commonwealth Games. The proposed site will also contain an entertainment complex with a range of facilities such as a multi-purpose arena, a swimming pool, an urban sports venue, restaurants, bars, a nightclub and a hotel.

Blackpool Council is said to be bitterly disappointed, shouldn't that be bitterly disappointing?

Who the hell chose Beswick for the site? I can already see bag-heads queueing up to mug the lucky punters as they leave with their "unlimited jackpots".

So get, get lucky on a one arm bandit inside , get stabbed by one outside, it's a funny old world ...... I'm sure there is a tenuous link in here somewhere about City and chances of winning something being increased.

here's johnny

Swing low, sweet chariot

Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot

Comin' for to carry me home
I looked over Jordan and what did I see

Comin' for to carry me home

A band of angels comin' after me

Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot

Comin' for to carry me home
Swing low, sweet chariot

Comin' for to carry me home

*I'm doing the actions*

colonial convicts

As a sign of things to come the Hooded Claw has bought me Le Crueset cookware for my birthday. I'm am now actively looking for a younger model after rediscovering my mojo on Friday night!

The combo of Burns Night/Australia Day was obviously too much for me...........amongst others

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0GpCU3RIxI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zOKwM8Wcu0

silence is golden

Me and The Hooded Claw watching the 10 o'clock news last night (he's 28 now and getting more interested in adult programming)

HC: This country is f ked isn't it

Me: Yes. Lets move to Canada

HC: We've too many commitments here

Me: It would take us a couple of years anyway so what's the problem?

HC: A dog and 4 cats

No wonder I've got athletes foot

defence condition

There are five such stages and condition three means that all forces, including nuclear forces, go on a high state of readiness.

DEFCON 1 'War operations'
DEFCON 2-4 'Crisis Operations'
DEFCON 5 'Peace Operations'

This means that I have to concede that cheesy 80s movies can have an educational bent.

Skeletor and Derek hit the States

Wax doubles of Thick n Thin have been unveiled at the New York branch of Madame Tussauds ahead of the couple's impending move to the USA. Derek's is pretty convincing but Pepperami Spice looks fuck all like her, as the media whored talentless bint is not fucking pouting!

Jesus wept - literally

The Church of England has launched a text message service to encourage more people to participate in Lent. Aimed at people "who might not go to church" it is part of a multi-media campaign including colourful booklets (crayons not included) and an interactive website. It is backed by Dr Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury and Dr John Sentamu, the Archbishop of York (a sure fire winner then). Mobile phone users will be able to register to begin receiving daily suggestions for actions to mark the season. They include giving up your place in a traffic jam or queue (not likely), having a TV-free day (what no Corrie! now that's blasphemy), taking part in an environmental clean-up (picking up other peoples discarded kebabs), watching the news (I thought they said no TV? Not like the Christan's to contradict themselves. Hmm....eye for an eye/turn the other cheek) and praying about what you see (Roy Walker of the pulpit), or leaving a £1 coin in a shopping trolley for someone to find (easy for the Alzheimer sufferers). Launching the campaign, Love Life Live Lent, the archbishops said the small actions could add up to make a bigger difference. They said: "It's all too easy to feel we are powerless to make a difference. But the truth is, with God's help we can change the world a little bit each day.

Except, of course, if you're in the gays, in which case you are going to burn in hell regardless

Modern Day Trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it....full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy

chicken lickin'

Dr Feelgood reports that I may return to work once th'pox has scabbed over (nice). 9 on tummy, 3 on leg, 1 on face (I've scratched it) and 2 dangerously close to the fairy flower. I can also report that Body Shop Coconut Body Butter is not a suitable substitute for calamine lotion; but I'm sure that there is a marked somewhere on t'interweb for a webcast of chubby fairy getting out of warm bath all pink and scaly, smearing on butter, hoping around bathroom when perfumey effects of said butter get into pox and jumping back into cool bath with scratchy buffer.

All in a days research; we do it so you don't have to..............


*no children were harmed in the writing of this nonsense*

mckeithed

I'm not currently in the dogs 'cool book' after putting the Hooded Claw on Dr Jillian's sprout water and fetid tea diet....

il est pleut

Still the hosepipe ban has been lifted, so I've watered the lawn and washed my car this afternoon and there's nothing anyone can do about it............although leaving the hose on whilst I had my lunch may have been a miscalculation.

Little Johnny Pimpermain is back!

Little Johnny Pimpermain was feverish with excitement, today was special Wednesday and on special Wednesday Johnny and his father spent the day alone together down in the cellar. Today they were playing pirates.

So why was Johnny chained to a rack? And how could his father breathe in that leather mask when the mouth was zipped up?

You can catch the rest of little Johnny's adventures in 'Little Johnny Pimpermain & the Mystery of The Fishy Camels Hoof' available now in all good bookstores.

(c) A Rowland 2006

who'd of thought I'd concur with the septics?

new years revolutions

1. Not laugh at people less fortunate then myself (this includes Britney Spears)

2. Not to contract leprosy

3. Sort out my bowels

4. Grow some veg

5. To overcome OCD put th'ipod on shuffle *gulps*

me? I'm staying at home to polish my brasses

Some, perhaps, more seasonal weather for the UK over the next 48 hours. Yes, a little rain, but also gales and a wintry mix for higher ground to the north west. Some heavy rain is likely across western areas today as the front passes through. Behind it the air turns colder for a time, even allowing showers to fall as sleet and snow down to sea level in the far north, however areas below 500m in northern England will see rain. Turning to tomorrow, a deep, potent area of low pressure rattles in from the North Atlantic and heavy rain will spread in quickly from the west during the early hours, reaching all areas by the morning. Wet weather, combined with widespread gale force winds, reaching storm force along exposed coastal and higher regions could bring some light disruption, especially where the strongest of the winds combine with the morning rush hour itself. Into the weekend and the unsettled weather continues with a growing risk of a cold snap (60% confidence) early next week. Looking forward to wind speeds of 31-40mph tomorrow with 4.2mm of rain and a real feel temperature of -1

Big Brother in the shit

Sooooo, dumb and dumber, namely that vile bint Goody and vacuous scouse bitch Lloyd are bringing BB into the shit with claims of rascism. Having stayed clear from this year's "celebrity offering" I can't comment first hand, but after seeing some of the comments, how stupid do they have to be to think they could say "Indians were thin because they were always ill as a result of undercooking their food" and moaning that they didnt know where "Shilpa's hands have been" and topping it all off by mocking her fucking accent in some fake "Love they neighbour" 70's sitcom-esque styley. I'm surprised the dozy fucks haven't roped in O'Meara (who's no better) to "black up" with Jermaine and do a remake of the Jackson Five

Whether or not it constitutes rascism (and we'll leave that one) or just girls being bitchy about someone who is infinitely more refined, classy and intelligent them then is another matter, but they combined naievity is truly astounding.

A friend of scouse "WAG" Lloyd, said that the suggestion the housemate was racist was "absolutely absurd". "I've known Danielle for five years now and not once has she had a racist undertone in her voice ever," she told BBC Radio Five Live, whilst pulling on her white hood, clutching a burning cross.

To Messrs Goody et al, for having less intelligence and sensitivity than a single-celled amoeba, you get what you deserve: GET OUT!!

use it or lose it sisters

http://www.yougov.com/users/registrationintro_ref.asp?refid=436211&jID=3&sID=1

It was never like this with Dimbleby

Soapstar Superstar!!?? Don't make me laugh! At Question Time we got free sandwiches and a nice chat from Dimbles.

It didn't get off to a good start when we were asked in the queue whether we were "normal" (how VERY dare they). Things did perk up however as we got to have a pint in a mock-up of the Rovers Return. Despite extensive searching, I did not find Betty's Hotpot. The bar promptly shut however and then we were ushered through to a holding room where FUCK ALL happened for about an hour. One by one more people got let in. It was like being last to be picked for games at school.

Enough was enough and Mr Havs and I upped sticks and left a la "come on Leonard....we're off!". Evilfairy and her plus 1 then got in but I will leave her to inform you all about that....

Incidently Mr Havs is now known as "2 moves" being as he wanted to floor the production guy and said he could in just that: "2 moves"

It's in the bag ladies!!

Cock off Daz Sampson, burn your leotard Jordan, and watch out Lordi, cos that cheery popster Morrissey looks set to be representing us at the Eurovision (well possibly). The sunshine filled songster is said to be in talks with the BBC to write and possibly perform a track for this year's contest in May.

I'm sure with such uplifting tunes as "Hang the DJ", we've got it in the bag........



..........oh

To be fair I've never been a fan of the man, but I realise saying this is akin to spitting at Auntie Betty for some people, so I have to admit I do love this little number.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OWXIWqXwQA

Wave the pink flag!

So, amidst some raging dog collars, Daily Mail readers and a splattering of Muslims, the Sexual Orientation Regs get through the Lords. Unbelievably, critics have objected to these on the grounds that a "Christian, Jewish or Muslim printer could be forced to print a flyer for a gay night club, or a teacher would have to break the law to promote heterosexual marriage over homosexual civil partnership" - FFS!! It's not to "promote" a civil partnership OVER a hetero marriage, it's just to make the teachings equal.

I realise this blog is rarely serious (you haven't noticed?), but this really pisses me off. Prior to the regs there would be nothing stopping a hotel owner from saying to Derek Faye and Leonard Mincing "cock off lads, separate rooms or on yer bike". So to Messrs Tebbit et al, GET OUT!

Apologies for the semi-serious rant; normal service will now be resumed..........


..........'kin homo's ;-)

x

We've done it so you don't have to.............

After Dame Judy Dench the head of MI5 announced today that the public get get eMail updates of the terrorist threat level against this septred isle the 'Haversham Northwatch' have signed up for e:mail updates and will happily pour scorn, I mean keep you advised of 'what's new' at the home of Britain's security services.

Incidentally they are currently advertising for security officers at £22,750 per annum...freel safee now?

www.mi5.gov.uk - we are currently at defcon 4.8

I've started so I'll.............

God bless him, Magnus Magnusson has passed on and as he's my second favourite Icelandic Scotsman I'm most upset. I hope in his honour there will be a resurgence of people who name their children almost identically to their surnames, Neville Neville, Robin Robinson, erm my nan, Rose Rose and of course those bouncy wops the Mario brothers, Mario and Wario.

In other news, "JFK dead" and "the sun is hot"

Soooo Ian "H" Watkins is officially in the gays. No shit! H (which apparantly stands for hyperactive) said "I could never have done this [come out] years ago, never ... But I'm comfortable with who I am now and I want everyone to know."

The 30-year-old reportedly told his friends and family nine years ago, but did not want to disappoint female fans. For the love of God man, it was hardly a secret, you big, gay, mincing, queen!!!!!!!!

You may be gay, but you are, and always will be, an annoying cunt, you attention-seeking-big-brother-wannabe-winner-twat.

cheese bored?

Hot toasted rubber fist, coated with thick man cream
Double anal cherry with toppings of pain
Hot dark cellar coating, with scrumptious arousing screams
This isn't just food
This is S & M food

freaks

Disgruntled menfolk standing outside monsoon with their arms huffily folded across their chests, woman barging each other around the entrance of Next at 7am. The smell of mint imperials wafting throughout M&S........Yes it's 'The Sales'. Way too traumatic for me, I'm staying here where its safe and I have a box of Matchmakers constantly to hand.

FFS - We can all reach for the dream

This website for a firm of solicitors is bordering on hysterical. Check out the bontempi organ music, click on their faces and they each have their own "signature tune". I especially like Mr Brennan who is clearly "wacky" (for wacky, read a cunt who is no doubt a virgin) .

I love the fact that one of his credentials is that he can see Old Trafford from his bedroom window!

Would you instruct this shower?? Their blurb has the worst grammar and spelling EVAH! For the love of God!!..............

http://www.fletcher96.freeserve.co.uk/

Happy Christmas

Everyone needs a bit of campness in 'em; even the Messiah

Enjoy:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gw3eP2JPFIY

don't mention the ashes

I've resisted the urge to bitch for several minutes now as we again snatch defeat from the jaws of...erm....defeat. Still could win the next two and snacth...erm...a ladies handbag

Farewell, Adieu, Auf Weidersen, Goodbye

Bloody marvellous innit - circa 1940s we didn't want them anywhere near us, but 60 years on and we don't want them to leave. As of Wednesday the lederhosen will be packed up and the strapping Germanians will be back off to Germania *sniffs* - no mulled wine, no big german sausage, no sauerkraut, and worst of all no german cheesy techno and Europe's the "Final Countdown" - der der der......der der der der der........

Until another year mein Herr!

*wanders off singing "We'll meet again"*

*realises it's probably not the most appropriate song*

*sings Dad's Army theme tune instead*



*oh*

Call the police there's a mad man around, run him down, underground, to a dive bar in a west end town

Police have revealed today a woman called 999 when her pants wouldn't zip up - they'd a helicopter hovering over my house at all times in that case.

Plus paramedics on standby over the festive period..................

Tinernets aren't Us

Evilfairy you mongaloid! Sort out the links to "I am rob" and "Holy Moly" FFS

much love

Havers x

Flu-watch

Have pulled stomach muscles with coughing so much, and have now progressed onto Beechams "All in one". Have fake tanned and packed maxfactor for tonight but I think I wil still be resembling a precocious reindeer come 7.30pm.

I want my mum to make me chicken soup and look after me

.........for the record I am not Jewish

Pensioners, Students OUT!

Picture the scene, an hour for lunch and purchases to acquire from a well-known chemist that also stocks a range of sandwiches and festive fayre. Office workers move quickly and sensibly from chilled goods to checkout with store card and appropriate remuneration ready.

*sighs*

What we don't want to see is non-workers, casual shoppers and the like who let's be fair usually consist of the above group, sauntering along and fucking browsing like they're on an open-topped bus on a sight-seeing tour of that London place you read about. Yes, 3 for 2's are good, yes I know you have as much right to be here as the rest of us, but FFS GET OUT OF THE TWATTING WAY! Injuries enshue, much tutting is had all of which makes for bad karma.

Soooooooo, how to end all this. I have considered euthanasia as a viable option but the answer is simple: No non-office types in town betwix the hours of 12-2. You have no job, probably pay no tax and therefore do not contribute to society as much as we do. Go home, watch Vanessa, then venture in around 2pm for some shopping. Just make sure you're home for Paul O'Grady at 5pm, cos that's when we finish innit

Gay-Flu

Is a bitch. Fine all December and 2 days before the xmas bash come down with this shit. I intend to drink hot toddies all night for medicinal purposes and then dance like an embarrassing dad

*does the Time-Warp*

By the way Boots "Bronchial Cough Mixture" has the texture of tar and the taste of turd. Stay away.

Good to have mypartnerincrime back from that Canada though x

doug do you get a semi when you see brad pitt?

So good to be back in Rule Brittania.

Flooded lane this morning but the hosepipe ban is still in place

Water voles are to get full legal rights and will no doubt vote for William Duncan-Cameron

Jennifer Saunders wins BBC Sports Personality of the Year.

Is it me?

At least in British Columbia they spell 'centre' correctly, the kids wear hoodies for the right reasons, an inch and a half of rain doesn't bring the country to a halt and they get Queen Victoria's birthday off work - the things that made the empire great.

We on the other hand have to be subjected to criminals thrashing us at our own game and Brussels (yes the sprouts are on) stopping us from enjoying our national dish - roast beef, cod & chips, tripe - take your pick. At the least the Frogs have no influence in Canada.

Oh...........

FFS!

Australia win the second Ashes Test by six wickets and go 2-0 up in the series after bowling England out for 129 in Adelaide. Ah well, we've only got to win 2 out of the next 3 tests to draw.



oh

*trashes Walkabout*

*waves goodbye to Ashes*

I'm sure it's what she would have wanted

Whilst the crisis in the Middle East rumbles on, the situation in Iraq grows ever desperate and Teflon Tone increases the supply of Trident missiles, am sure we can all take comfort from the fact that the Spice Girls do look to be reuniting for Diana "Media Whore"'s tribute concert. "The girls have all been waiting for the right opportunity to come along and this is it," a source told The People. "They agreed they would only do something extra special - so what better than the Diana concert?"

What better indeed. Am sure as the doe eyed headline grabber sits on her cloud with head slightly cocked, she will be delighted to hear that 5 talentless bints know as Old, Skeletal, Scouse, Baby, and quite frankly, loud-mouthed-common-as-muck-carrier-of-Eddie-Murphy's-child will be "Zig-a-zig-arr'ing", will cheer her up no end.

Give me strengh.........