Modern Day Trafalgar

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it....full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy

chicken lickin'

Dr Feelgood reports that I may return to work once th'pox has scabbed over (nice). 9 on tummy, 3 on leg, 1 on face (I've scratched it) and 2 dangerously close to the fairy flower. I can also report that Body Shop Coconut Body Butter is not a suitable substitute for calamine lotion; but I'm sure that there is a marked somewhere on t'interweb for a webcast of chubby fairy getting out of warm bath all pink and scaly, smearing on butter, hoping around bathroom when perfumey effects of said butter get into pox and jumping back into cool bath with scratchy buffer.

All in a days research; we do it so you don't have to..............


*no children were harmed in the writing of this nonsense*

mckeithed

I'm not currently in the dogs 'cool book' after putting the Hooded Claw on Dr Jillian's sprout water and fetid tea diet....

il est pleut

Still the hosepipe ban has been lifted, so I've watered the lawn and washed my car this afternoon and there's nothing anyone can do about it............although leaving the hose on whilst I had my lunch may have been a miscalculation.

Little Johnny Pimpermain is back!

Little Johnny Pimpermain was feverish with excitement, today was special Wednesday and on special Wednesday Johnny and his father spent the day alone together down in the cellar. Today they were playing pirates.

So why was Johnny chained to a rack? And how could his father breathe in that leather mask when the mouth was zipped up?

You can catch the rest of little Johnny's adventures in 'Little Johnny Pimpermain & the Mystery of The Fishy Camels Hoof' available now in all good bookstores.

(c) A Rowland 2006

who'd of thought I'd concur with the septics?

new years revolutions

1. Not laugh at people less fortunate then myself (this includes Britney Spears)

2. Not to contract leprosy

3. Sort out my bowels

4. Grow some veg

5. To overcome OCD put th'ipod on shuffle *gulps*

me? I'm staying at home to polish my brasses

Some, perhaps, more seasonal weather for the UK over the next 48 hours. Yes, a little rain, but also gales and a wintry mix for higher ground to the north west. Some heavy rain is likely across western areas today as the front passes through. Behind it the air turns colder for a time, even allowing showers to fall as sleet and snow down to sea level in the far north, however areas below 500m in northern England will see rain. Turning to tomorrow, a deep, potent area of low pressure rattles in from the North Atlantic and heavy rain will spread in quickly from the west during the early hours, reaching all areas by the morning. Wet weather, combined with widespread gale force winds, reaching storm force along exposed coastal and higher regions could bring some light disruption, especially where the strongest of the winds combine with the morning rush hour itself. Into the weekend and the unsettled weather continues with a growing risk of a cold snap (60% confidence) early next week. Looking forward to wind speeds of 31-40mph tomorrow with 4.2mm of rain and a real feel temperature of -1

Big Brother in the shit

Sooooo, dumb and dumber, namely that vile bint Goody and vacuous scouse bitch Lloyd are bringing BB into the shit with claims of rascism. Having stayed clear from this year's "celebrity offering" I can't comment first hand, but after seeing some of the comments, how stupid do they have to be to think they could say "Indians were thin because they were always ill as a result of undercooking their food" and moaning that they didnt know where "Shilpa's hands have been" and topping it all off by mocking her fucking accent in some fake "Love they neighbour" 70's sitcom-esque styley. I'm surprised the dozy fucks haven't roped in O'Meara (who's no better) to "black up" with Jermaine and do a remake of the Jackson Five

Whether or not it constitutes rascism (and we'll leave that one) or just girls being bitchy about someone who is infinitely more refined, classy and intelligent them then is another matter, but they combined naievity is truly astounding.

A friend of scouse "WAG" Lloyd, said that the suggestion the housemate was racist was "absolutely absurd". "I've known Danielle for five years now and not once has she had a racist undertone in her voice ever," she told BBC Radio Five Live, whilst pulling on her white hood, clutching a burning cross.

To Messrs Goody et al, for having less intelligence and sensitivity than a single-celled amoeba, you get what you deserve: GET OUT!!

use it or lose it sisters

http://www.yougov.com/users/registrationintro_ref.asp?refid=436211&jID=3&sID=1

It was never like this with Dimbleby

Soapstar Superstar!!?? Don't make me laugh! At Question Time we got free sandwiches and a nice chat from Dimbles.

It didn't get off to a good start when we were asked in the queue whether we were "normal" (how VERY dare they). Things did perk up however as we got to have a pint in a mock-up of the Rovers Return. Despite extensive searching, I did not find Betty's Hotpot. The bar promptly shut however and then we were ushered through to a holding room where FUCK ALL happened for about an hour. One by one more people got let in. It was like being last to be picked for games at school.

Enough was enough and Mr Havs and I upped sticks and left a la "come on Leonard....we're off!". Evilfairy and her plus 1 then got in but I will leave her to inform you all about that....

Incidently Mr Havs is now known as "2 moves" being as he wanted to floor the production guy and said he could in just that: "2 moves"

It's in the bag ladies!!

Cock off Daz Sampson, burn your leotard Jordan, and watch out Lordi, cos that cheery popster Morrissey looks set to be representing us at the Eurovision (well possibly). The sunshine filled songster is said to be in talks with the BBC to write and possibly perform a track for this year's contest in May.

I'm sure with such uplifting tunes as "Hang the DJ", we've got it in the bag........



..........oh

To be fair I've never been a fan of the man, but I realise saying this is akin to spitting at Auntie Betty for some people, so I have to admit I do love this little number.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OWXIWqXwQA

Wave the pink flag!

So, amidst some raging dog collars, Daily Mail readers and a splattering of Muslims, the Sexual Orientation Regs get through the Lords. Unbelievably, critics have objected to these on the grounds that a "Christian, Jewish or Muslim printer could be forced to print a flyer for a gay night club, or a teacher would have to break the law to promote heterosexual marriage over homosexual civil partnership" - FFS!! It's not to "promote" a civil partnership OVER a hetero marriage, it's just to make the teachings equal.

I realise this blog is rarely serious (you haven't noticed?), but this really pisses me off. Prior to the regs there would be nothing stopping a hotel owner from saying to Derek Faye and Leonard Mincing "cock off lads, separate rooms or on yer bike". So to Messrs Tebbit et al, GET OUT!

Apologies for the semi-serious rant; normal service will now be resumed..........


..........'kin homo's ;-)

x

We've done it so you don't have to.............

After Dame Judy Dench the head of MI5 announced today that the public get get eMail updates of the terrorist threat level against this septred isle the 'Haversham Northwatch' have signed up for e:mail updates and will happily pour scorn, I mean keep you advised of 'what's new' at the home of Britain's security services.

Incidentally they are currently advertising for security officers at £22,750 per annum...freel safee now?

www.mi5.gov.uk - we are currently at defcon 4.8

I've started so I'll.............

God bless him, Magnus Magnusson has passed on and as he's my second favourite Icelandic Scotsman I'm most upset. I hope in his honour there will be a resurgence of people who name their children almost identically to their surnames, Neville Neville, Robin Robinson, erm my nan, Rose Rose and of course those bouncy wops the Mario brothers, Mario and Wario.

In other news, "JFK dead" and "the sun is hot"

Soooo Ian "H" Watkins is officially in the gays. No shit! H (which apparantly stands for hyperactive) said "I could never have done this [come out] years ago, never ... But I'm comfortable with who I am now and I want everyone to know."

The 30-year-old reportedly told his friends and family nine years ago, but did not want to disappoint female fans. For the love of God man, it was hardly a secret, you big, gay, mincing, queen!!!!!!!!

You may be gay, but you are, and always will be, an annoying cunt, you attention-seeking-big-brother-wannabe-winner-twat.

cheese bored?

Hot toasted rubber fist, coated with thick man cream
Double anal cherry with toppings of pain
Hot dark cellar coating, with scrumptious arousing screams
This isn't just food
This is S & M food

freaks

Disgruntled menfolk standing outside monsoon with their arms huffily folded across their chests, woman barging each other around the entrance of Next at 7am. The smell of mint imperials wafting throughout M&S........Yes it's 'The Sales'. Way too traumatic for me, I'm staying here where its safe and I have a box of Matchmakers constantly to hand.

FFS - We can all reach for the dream

This website for a firm of solicitors is bordering on hysterical. Check out the bontempi organ music, click on their faces and they each have their own "signature tune". I especially like Mr Brennan who is clearly "wacky" (for wacky, read a cunt who is no doubt a virgin) .

I love the fact that one of his credentials is that he can see Old Trafford from his bedroom window!

Would you instruct this shower?? Their blurb has the worst grammar and spelling EVAH! For the love of God!!..............

http://www.fletcher96.freeserve.co.uk/

Happy Christmas

Everyone needs a bit of campness in 'em; even the Messiah

Enjoy:-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gw3eP2JPFIY

don't mention the ashes

I've resisted the urge to bitch for several minutes now as we again snatch defeat from the jaws of...erm....defeat. Still could win the next two and snacth...erm...a ladies handbag

Farewell, Adieu, Auf Weidersen, Goodbye

Bloody marvellous innit - circa 1940s we didn't want them anywhere near us, but 60 years on and we don't want them to leave. As of Wednesday the lederhosen will be packed up and the strapping Germanians will be back off to Germania *sniffs* - no mulled wine, no big german sausage, no sauerkraut, and worst of all no german cheesy techno and Europe's the "Final Countdown" - der der der......der der der der der........

Until another year mein Herr!

*wanders off singing "We'll meet again"*

*realises it's probably not the most appropriate song*

*sings Dad's Army theme tune instead*



*oh*

Call the police there's a mad man around, run him down, underground, to a dive bar in a west end town

Police have revealed today a woman called 999 when her pants wouldn't zip up - they'd a helicopter hovering over my house at all times in that case.

Plus paramedics on standby over the festive period..................

Tinernets aren't Us

Evilfairy you mongaloid! Sort out the links to "I am rob" and "Holy Moly" FFS

much love

Havers x

Flu-watch

Have pulled stomach muscles with coughing so much, and have now progressed onto Beechams "All in one". Have fake tanned and packed maxfactor for tonight but I think I wil still be resembling a precocious reindeer come 7.30pm.

I want my mum to make me chicken soup and look after me

.........for the record I am not Jewish

Pensioners, Students OUT!

Picture the scene, an hour for lunch and purchases to acquire from a well-known chemist that also stocks a range of sandwiches and festive fayre. Office workers move quickly and sensibly from chilled goods to checkout with store card and appropriate remuneration ready.

*sighs*

What we don't want to see is non-workers, casual shoppers and the like who let's be fair usually consist of the above group, sauntering along and fucking browsing like they're on an open-topped bus on a sight-seeing tour of that London place you read about. Yes, 3 for 2's are good, yes I know you have as much right to be here as the rest of us, but FFS GET OUT OF THE TWATTING WAY! Injuries enshue, much tutting is had all of which makes for bad karma.

Soooooooo, how to end all this. I have considered euthanasia as a viable option but the answer is simple: No non-office types in town betwix the hours of 12-2. You have no job, probably pay no tax and therefore do not contribute to society as much as we do. Go home, watch Vanessa, then venture in around 2pm for some shopping. Just make sure you're home for Paul O'Grady at 5pm, cos that's when we finish innit

Gay-Flu

Is a bitch. Fine all December and 2 days before the xmas bash come down with this shit. I intend to drink hot toddies all night for medicinal purposes and then dance like an embarrassing dad

*does the Time-Warp*

By the way Boots "Bronchial Cough Mixture" has the texture of tar and the taste of turd. Stay away.

Good to have mypartnerincrime back from that Canada though x

doug do you get a semi when you see brad pitt?

So good to be back in Rule Brittania.

Flooded lane this morning but the hosepipe ban is still in place

Water voles are to get full legal rights and will no doubt vote for William Duncan-Cameron

Jennifer Saunders wins BBC Sports Personality of the Year.

Is it me?

At least in British Columbia they spell 'centre' correctly, the kids wear hoodies for the right reasons, an inch and a half of rain doesn't bring the country to a halt and they get Queen Victoria's birthday off work - the things that made the empire great.

We on the other hand have to be subjected to criminals thrashing us at our own game and Brussels (yes the sprouts are on) stopping us from enjoying our national dish - roast beef, cod & chips, tripe - take your pick. At the least the Frogs have no influence in Canada.

Oh...........

FFS!

Australia win the second Ashes Test by six wickets and go 2-0 up in the series after bowling England out for 129 in Adelaide. Ah well, we've only got to win 2 out of the next 3 tests to draw.



oh

*trashes Walkabout*

*waves goodbye to Ashes*

I'm sure it's what she would have wanted

Whilst the crisis in the Middle East rumbles on, the situation in Iraq grows ever desperate and Teflon Tone increases the supply of Trident missiles, am sure we can all take comfort from the fact that the Spice Girls do look to be reuniting for Diana "Media Whore"'s tribute concert. "The girls have all been waiting for the right opportunity to come along and this is it," a source told The People. "They agreed they would only do something extra special - so what better than the Diana concert?"

What better indeed. Am sure as the doe eyed headline grabber sits on her cloud with head slightly cocked, she will be delighted to hear that 5 talentless bints know as Old, Skeletal, Scouse, Baby, and quite frankly, loud-mouthed-common-as-muck-carrier-of-Eddie-Murphy's-child will be "Zig-a-zig-arr'ing", will cheer her up no end.

Give me strengh.........

the worlds favourite airline

so we arrive at vancouver airport at 3am GMT after being in transit since 11am some time in the past to be told after waiting for an hour at a carosel that our luggage was still at Heathrow, probably.

and this is in Canada, the dirty filthy maple syrup loving b'stards

Poor The Heather!

Soooooo, the Queen of Hearts wannabe Heather Macca-Mills tells a TV show she would rather lose other limbs than repeat the traumas of her marriage breakdown. Ahhhhh, let's hope she does a Liz Taylor .......

Flawless.....Absolutely Flawless!

Yes, Evilfairy and Miss H attended the M.E.N on Friday for the gay kebab seller's first night of his UK tour. The man is a LEGE! He was truly aces although the highlight of the night was perhaps witnessing the fairy's attempts to get 2 soft contact lenses in her peepers whilst sat in the arena before the lights went down. Not that unusual true, but they weren't her lenses, and she doesn't wear lenses anyhoo. The people behind us looked on aghast.

I bought a t-shirt with "too funky" on it, with just a touch of glitter, which doesn't look gay at all.....honest. Regretably, Georgie boy didn't spot me from afar and invite me back to his hotel for a private party. I am sure this was only because he's heard "on the scene" that I am spoken for. Am also sure he spent the night weeping into his kebab at the prospect of an evening without the Haversham. Bless! x

3 weeks of my life stolen!

Yes, as "I'm a Celebrity" kicked off again I cancelled any plans which I may have for weekdays at 9pm for the next 3 weeks. FFS, what a bunch of 'tards! Henshall is making me vent spleen already - an utter caricature of the stereotypical gayer! A mincin', self-obsessed narcacist, attention seeking "all about me" queen. I loathe people like that........


............oh

at the going down of the sun

we have ways of making you diet

I can only read his Sunday Times column in fits and starts, under the bed covers by torch light but know Ernst Blofeld is on BBC2 and his cookery world domination show was the scariest thing I have ever seen on terrestrial television. I fear that the Fat Duck is in fact a subterranean headquarters hewn (oh love getting that in a sentence) from a dormant volcano.

Watch the skies people

http://www.ukturkeys.co.uk/coolstuff/default.aspx

love thy neighbour unless he's in the gays

The warring religions of the world have finally found something to unite them - gay bashing! In Jerusalem, ultra-orthodox Jews and Muslims have come together to try and stop a gay rights march in the city, slated for Friday. There has been burning barricades, stone-throwing and a bomb bearing the words "sodomites out". Muslim politician Tayseer Tamimi said " All religions discredit gays because it is against the decent human nature created by God." And in Scotland Muslims and Christians are spreading a little homophobia together. The Christian People's Alliance and Muslim groups are together fighting "secular values" and pro-gay laws, The CPA even has Muslim candidates standing at the next election.

Ah, bless

YeeeeeeeHaaaaaaaaaa

So the Texas Cowboy is fucked and Donny Rummy "resigns". Hoorah! Let's not forgot Don's highly insightful speech before the war: "there are known knowns, and there are known unknowns. Sometimes there are also unknown knowns" etc - U RIGHT WING FASCIST CUNT - go and play on the firing range and let's see if Cheney shoots ya. According to the beeb this morning, the homophobic goose-steppers (Cheney aside, given that his daughter is partial to drinking from the furry cup) have also lost the Senate - HAVE THAT!

local boy defends northern dialect - probably

fur hooded potty mouth Liam Gallagher has been banned for life from Cathay Pacific Airlines after becoming involved in an air rage incident following an argument about a scone.

Oh I hope it was the old pronunciation set-to that he had.
Gotta love the gobshite

give me a f ing break

Pete Doherty has been voted one of the greatest rock stars of all time by readers of music magazine NME.

Who buys the NME anyway? I'll tell you who, scarf wearing middle income IT gimps trying to hold on to the youth that is retreating faster then their hairlines by buying into anything that smacks (see what I did there) of 'off beat'. Cnuts*

*yes I do kiss my mother with this mouth - pass the soap.

look at him the talentless lisping bean pole** get some rouge on for f's sake


**other methods of securing vegetables are available

You can't polish a turd!

Blackpool's illuminations are to receive a make-over thanks to dandy-fop-camp style "guru" Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. No matter how many frills and baubles you throw at it Lauro, it's still is, and also we be, a total shithole

Hmmmm, look at those "sandy beaches"

Shaken not stirred innit n ting

Soooooo, P-diddy/puff daddy/straight mummy or whatever he calls himself this week wants to be the first black James Bond. Yeah right! Jamie Foxx yes, you no. I hardly think M would appreciate this "home-boy" rockin' up to MI5 with his bling n ting, oversized trousers and an Ipod blastin' out the latest release by "Fiddy Cent". Imagine the scene:

Bond: "check it M, ma bitch, word up blood. Me did well bust a cap in dat Russki"

M: "er, yes well.....quite"

Dream on Diddyman

Smooth as a baby's arse

I had my first facial on Saturday *awaits jokes*. It was aces! Met up with some mates after who advised me I looked glowing. I may get hair extensions and botox next.

felt i should mark our first wedding anniversary

I'll protect you from the hooded claw. Keep the vampires from your door. Feels like fire I'm so in love with you. Dreams are like angels. They keep bad at bay, bad at bay. Love is the light, scaring darkness away, yeah. I'm so in love with you, purge the soul. Make love your goal. The power of love. A force from above. Cleaning my soul. Flame on burn desire. Love with tongues of fire. Purge the soul. Make love your goal. I'll protect you from the hooded claw. Keep the vampires from your door. When the chips are down. I'll be around. With my undying, death-defying love for you. Envy will hurt itself. Let yourself be beautiful. Sparkling love, flowers and pearls and pretty girls. Love is like an energy. Rushin' rushin' inside of me yeah. The power of love. A force from above. Cleaning my soul. Flame on burn with desire. Love with tongues of fire. Purge the soul. Make love your goal. This time we go sublime. Lovers entwine, divine, divine. Love is danger, love is pleasure. Love is pure, the only treasure. I'm so in love with you. Purge the soul. Make love your goal. The power of love. A force from above. Cleaning my soul. The power of love. A force from above. A sky-scraping dove. Flame on burn with desire. Love with tongues of fire. Purge the soul. Make love your goal. I'll protect you from the hooded claw. Keep the vampires from your door.

is 'high' themost satisfying word to type in predictive text?

Am I the only one who appreciates the significance of my purchase of(powder blue, crocheted) tea cosy. What's happened to me? I used tosleep in skips and have to rinse my pants out as I'd not been home all weekend.....

ambition is critical

Quadrant Bus Station, Swansea, has been voted fifth best place for gay cruising in the world....Havers I've done you a mulipmap

i really don't have anything against the pouting lolly stick

The co-writer of Victoria Beckham's new book, That Extra Half An Inch (yeah like she can pinch anything without snapping a rib), was invited to take afternoon tea with Victoria to "celebrate". When she arrived she was told excitedly by Victoria's people that Skeletor had a present for her. Waiting for her was......... a signed copy of the book, which she had co-written anyway, and a bunch of flowers.

Which was nice.

are the gays the only ones still having a poke?

Here is an apology on behalf of the British public to 'The Sun'. We have let you down badly, and we’d just like to say we are very sorry. The Sun hid the terrible news in a few short paragraphs. According to research, it seems we are not as interested in sex as the paper might have had us believe over the years. We don’t sleep around, we don’t have wild three-in-a-bed nights of lust with a Big Brother contestant, and we do not keep our wedding list at Ann Summers.

“The popular perception that millions of sex-mad Brits enjoy sleeping around is a myth,” the paper reports through gritted teeth. According to the Office of National Statistics, more than 70% of men have had just one partner in the past year, while 16% of men had to snuggle up by themselves. “Meanwhile, 81% of women have had just one partner in the past year. As a London University academic told the paper: “Sex is over-hyped in our culture.”

Tell that to Danni, 19, from Coventry as she flutters her eyelashes from page 3 of The Sun only to discover that we’d rather create ipod playlists or make a pot of tea. Tell that to shivering whippet Victoria Beckham, who posed on the front of Wednesday’s paper in suspenders, panties and a flowery bra. Inside — the paper, not the bra — she says she hates flashing her body in public. “I’m quite prudish about things like that,” she insists. But she pluckily overcomes her distaste, also showing off her suspenders to the Daily Mirror.

here's one fo't (that's 'for the' in Bolton) kids

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Step-Step-Knifemaking-You-Can/dp/0615116590/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/202-4793222-6785413

and you thought this blog was moderately controversial

http://matthew-delooze.blogspot.com/2006/09/getting-high-you-cant-beat-it.html

arse

http://click.holymolymailout.co.uk/?ffcb10-fe521d76776c00747412-fdf216777460027f741c757c-fef91679756300

french harold shipman exposed

that was the week that was....shite

monday: did not sleep sunday night for whatever reason slumber escaped me and the pallid grey fingers of the dawn that renched me from my pit were the most unwelcome ever, but hey ho I had the return of the Hooded Claw from London too look forward to. He showed up with his two new 'instant kasabian' jackets ( more like Charles Manson) the two days I'd spent cleaning the midden from top to heel were of course wasted once he'd unpacked (read threw clothes onto bed, floor, and side of laundry basket)

tuesday: cps - bunch of failed LPCers, arse and elbow spring to mind but that would be too kind, followed by trafford centre with hong kong suey who is home for the week and renouned for the her shopping! An £18 party dress from asda for moi, don't tell anyone. Tried to contact keystone kops re The Boys assault but they were all out (taking back handers from hookers - probably)

wednesday: dental outrage - yet another x-ray at £15.50 this time I saw the new dentist who is la francais! Now I'm as zenophobic as the next man but this is really going too too far. I blame the erm, French.

thursday: awoke as usual at 6.45am and prodded the Hooded Claw and let the animals in to The Boys room before taking myself off for my morning abulisions. The Boy then recounted a tale of waking at 3am as Jake Connor Hulme nee Rose was barking and he went downstairs to see what ailed the poor wee pup. Imagine his surprise to find a pisspost on the driveway who he saw off immediately. Imagine my surprise when I opened my car door to find the fecker had slept there and vomited Chinese takeaway all over the drivers seat and steering wheel. And the stupid c-word had left his car and door keys in my car. Have a just completely crapped up my karma somewhere along the way?

saturday: I daren't go anywhere as I have suffered enough this week

sunday: The Sunday Times and perhaps a hot chocolate

Confession Time

Dear Father

It's been about 3 weeks since my last post; please forgive me.