nice oop north

COURTESYOFPOPBITCH: On a fashion shoot in a derelict house, Kate Mosswanted to take a pee. The assistant told her: "Well, there is a loo, butthere's no door on it". Kate replied: "Well how the f**k do I get inthere then?" An embarrassed silence ensued...

KRAUTWATCH: The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as ashort-tempered lot; check out this exchange between Gerry and an English747 (Speedbird 206) Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulledonto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you notbeen to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... andI didn't land." *sings Rule Britannia*

LAMBETHWALKWATCH: Businesses in London face a shortage of skilled staff, according to areport. The survey from the Confederation of British Industry (CBI) andKPMG found 61% of employers had concerns over staff with poor maths andEnglish *cue cockney bating please*

ALPACASARETHENEWLLAMAS: Llamas eat less than sheep and cattle on aweight-ratio basis. One llama eats about four bales of hay per month.When content, a llama hums. Can anyone confirm whether llama plop ismore palatable than the cow or sheep variety and I shall have a wordwith neighbouring farmers.

SCOTCHMIST: Donald Trump is to become an ambassador for Scotland, with his syrup doubling as a sporran - probably.

OLDJOKESHOME: "I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "no way." They said 'please, it's for spastics and blind children.' So I thought, sod it, I could win this."

SOMETHINGSROTTEN: Hayfever sufferers are being warned that a giant pollen cloud covering much of the North Sea is heading this way. The pollen cloud is being blown across to Britain on high winds from Scandinavia. Hundreds of people in the north of England have reported a fine yellow dust settling on their cars and homes. A Met Office spokesman said a new generation of satellites were producing images that confirmed a large plume of "dust" was being blown from the east. Forecasters said a wet April had produced record levels of birch pollen in Denmark. "The explosion of birch pollen in Denmark this year has been caused by near-perfectweather conditions over the last few weeks," said the Met Office spokesman.

FIVEADAY: No Glasters this year?? Fear not the annual Watercress Festival starts in Hereford this weekend.

THRUPENCE: Thanks a billion (literally) to the Chinese as their storming industrialisation has pushed the price of copper to an all time high making the tupenny now worth three pence. At least the roofs of scouse churches will be safe for a while.

COUNTRYLIVING: Managed to pull kitchen door off it hinges this morning (oh the memories Ty). That's why I had to marry a joiner.

Meteorologists tell us that 21st June is the longest day, no today is it!

ASBO heir to the throne (kinda) Harry is to follow in his ma's footsteps. No, not by being an attention seeking slack flowered bulemic mediawhore, but by launching a charity in Lesotho to combat the evil AIDS - bless him! We *heart* the Harry: he is our Queen of Chavs

*bangs desk*: I do NOT believe it. The beeb have got a website on ideas for games for kids to play in the summer eg "simple dodge ball", "hopscotch". I dont know what has made me more incensed, the idea that the ASBO generation will be satisfied skipping over a piece of rope as opposed to tying someone up with it and robbin'g them for a fiver for 10 dirty bennies and a bottle of 20/20 (innit) OR that kids cannot improvise! I blame the Blair (seems a good-a-time to as any). *sounds like Daily Mail reader, picks up Guardian, looks like McFluff, picks up Sun - ahhhhhhh)* - GET OUT!

Boys are now just as senstive to "body image" as girlies, according to new research. - Oh marvellous!! A generation of Beckham-esque metrosexuals, sending Miss Haversham's gaydar wobbly with static.

Billie Piper to do autobiography - hmmmmm, turned 16, did shit song, got pissed with ginger tosspot, stopped taking drugs, did a bit of time travelling - END OF!

Group of French chefs have travelled to Scotland today to discuss school lunches and take lessons in Jock cuisine. Boiled sheep's stomach avec croutons anyone?

I'm getting the kettle on for a chamomile infusion or perhaps a raspberry leaf tea (should make my uterus contract)

Ready?

Oh what a circus

Who would have thought that "remember you're a womble" could spawn the same musical genius (and I jest not) as "Oh What a Circus" by David Essex. Mike, I salute youeven though you resemble an ugly version of Mick Hucknall (is that possible!!??)

God Grief Gordon

Looking about as nervous as any member of the Matthews family when there's a knock on the door and about as genuine as Mo Al-Fayed sending a get well card to Phil the Greek, comes the dour jock on American idol. WTF??!!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7339349.stm

Fortunately he wasn't wearing a kilt and singing Donald Where's Yer Trousers, but he may well have been dancin' naked with Alastair "the badger" Darling. You sir are a frigging embarrassment. Say what you like about Teflon Tony but at least the smarmy MF had charm.

Sort it out Gordon!!!

Celebrity Apprentice

Imagine my surprise last night when watching the Apprentice to learn that Matt Lucas now appears to be a contestant in full Vicky Pollard ensemble





Separated at birth. This boy CANNOT be allowed to stay

BRITISHARMY: Two words: continental quilts.

LITERARYGENIUS: Michael Flattley is at Waterstones Deansgate to sign his biography 'Lord of the Dance' (kudos for thought gone into the title). No doubt the queue of grannies will be stretching around the block, you have been warned.

MANCNOSH: Passed a delivery van on the way in for 'Mancunian Food Limited'. Didn't catch the phone number in order to enquire just what manc food it, but wondering if 'muffins' will feature heavily?

COUNTRYLIVING: Husband wants us to make more of the River Irwell, i.e.get some kayaks and commune with the river wild. Following altercationwith Canada geese wherein he tried to push me at goose and flee, I think that idea may be shelved. Does anyone actually know someone who has hadtheir arm broken by a swan? The only birds I fear are peacocks.

IRRATIONALHATRED: people who don't do 'big shops' and make the queues at Tesco Metro at lunchtime unreasonably long simply becausethey are (a) student or (b) ex students.

JOEYWATCH: The use of new technology such as text messaging in order to bully children is increasing, researchers have said. There has been a steady increase in children suffering from this form of "cyber-bullying", a Cardiff conference will hear on Friday - whatever happened to a bit ofv erbal and a damn good shoeing!? Kids today heh!?

Stardom beckons?

Although posts to this blog are now as frequent Shitney Beer's episodes of sanity, I nevertheless dreamed neh expected to be snapped up as a columnist for Heat magazine. In the words of the Starsailor classic - "Poor Misguided Fool".

You can only imagine my incandescent rage therefore to learn that fat yank Perez Hilton, with his acerbic "wit", has signed not only to Radio One but also ITV's website. The 30-year-old will be itv.com's resident Gossip Girl correspondent from today at www.itv.com/gossipgirl.

Maybe I'm more destined for TV. Perez does have a great face for radio.

19 we have loved and lost

1 Spangles - Launched in 1948 by Mars, and sold in various incarnations. Withdrawn in the early 80s, only to resurface in the early 90s, to be dropped again.

2 Texan - Ultra-chewy, chocolate-covered nougat bar launched in the mid-70s; disappeared in the mid-80s.

3 Banjo - Boring two-fingered wafer bar, lasted for most of the 80s.

4 Aztec - Cadbury paid out for a huge TV advertising campaign for this non-chocolate bar (it was peanuts stuck to a fudge finger); it lasted from 1968-1977.

5 Pacers - The cloying mint version of Opal Fruits in the 70s and 80s, initially white but later adorned with three green stripes.

6 Chocolate toolbox - No one now makes this fun but expensive-to-manufacture novelty box.

7 Callard & Bowser Creamline Toffees - A 2001 casualty; they were better than Toffos.

8 Amazin Raisin - 1971-78 - the sweets equivalent of rum'n'raisin ice cream.

9 Freshen Up - Chewing gum with a liquid centre, an 80s innovation.

10 Bluebird Toffee - A classic, but a recent casualty of confectionery industry takeovers.

11 Jap Desserts - These old coconut sweets (coconut was often known as 'Jap') died a death in the early 2000s.

12 Cabana - Short-lived but high-profile 80s bar that was a rich mix of coconut, caramel and whole cherries.

13 Counters (Galaxy) - Harmless chocolate beans cruelly cut off.

14 Pink Panther - Extraordinary strawberry-flavoured chocolate bars, thin like Milky Bars. An acquired taste.

15 Bandit - Wafer biscuit - a challenger to Penguins (not).

16 Club - bars From Jacobs. The full range has been withdrawn, but Orange is still available. Symbol guide: plain = jack of clubs; milk => golf ball; mint = green leaf. Bog-standard but likable for thick chocolate.

17 Nutty - Pure 80s bar, with a smoky brown see-through wrapper. Peanuts encase a fudge-type caramel log centre.

18 Double Agent - Extremely artificial blackcurrant or apple-flavoured boiled sweets, with a sherbet centre and spy questions on the wrapper. Classic cold war confectionery.

19. Pascall's Toffee Crunch - Golden brown pillow shaped sweets with a delicious caramel flavour and a sstisfying crunch. Inexplicably withdrawn by Trebor Bassett.

As you were

Bet Beatrix Potter is not happy!

A man in New Zealand has been charged with using a hedgehog as a weapon. Police said William Singalargh, 27, had hurled the hedgehog about 5m at a 15-year-old boy, causing a "large, red welt and several puncture marks". It was unclear whether the hedgehog was still alive when it was thrown, though it was dead when collected as evidence.

WTF is a welt firstly?!?! And surely there must have been a rock or stone nearby rather then a poor hedgehog.

Phil the Greek

I was saddened today to hear that Auntie Betty's husband is in hospital. Get well Phil. I truly aspire to be this man when I'm 80 odd (if I make it anywhere near that). Let's remind ourselves of some of his finer moments:-

In May 2002 he angered deaf people during a visit to the new Welsh Assembly. While he was with a group from the British Deaf Association who were standing near a band, he pointed to the musicians and said: "Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf."

In 1996 he caused an outcry among gun law reformers when he said: "There's no evidence that people who use weapons for sport are any more dangerous than people who use golf clubs or tennis rackets or cricket bats."

He told a Briton he met in Hungary in 1993: "You can't have been here that long - you haven't got a pot belly".

In 1995 he asked a Scottish driving instructor: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test."

The Prince angered local residents in Lockerbie when on a visit to the town in 1993, he said to a man who lived in a road where 11 people had been killed by wreckage from the Pan Am jumbo jet: "People usually say that after a fire it is water damage that is the worst. We are still trying to dry out Windsor Castle."

During a Royal visit to China in 1986 he described Peking as "ghastly" and told British students: "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed."

He said of Canada: "We don't come here for our health. We can think of other ways of enjoying ourselves." (I just regret it wasn't America Phil)

At the height of the recession in 1981 he said: "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed."

In 1966 he provoked outrage by saying: "British women can't cook."

Commenting on stress counselling for servicemen in a TV documentary on the 50th Anniversary of D-Day, he said: "It was part of the fortunes of war. We didn't have counsellors rushing around every time somebody let off a gun, asking `are you all right - are you sure you don't have a ghastly problem?'. You just got on with it."

Personal remarks have annoyed singing stars. In 1969 The Duke said to Tom Jones after the Royal Variety Performance: "What do you gargle with, pebbles?".

At a private lunch given 30 years ago he said he thought Adam Faith's singing was like bath water going down a plug hole

Phil Sir, you are a Legend - and you have the claim to fame or seeing her Maj's Vag!

monday monday

GRRWATCH: What is it with men (don't worry it's a rhetorical question)? Bunch of c o cks - literally.....

SPRINGWATCH: Cowpat Cottage lane full of midges. No wonder really with clement temperature and availability of hedgerows and cowpoo. Roll on winter.

GURNINGWATCH: Doctors have revealed details of the biggest recorded user of ecstasy - a man estimated to have taken 40,000 ecstasy pills in his life. At the height of his use, the man - known as "Mr A" - was taking 25 tablets a day! Sweet child of.......

BEEBWATCH: Natasha Kaplinsky has seen the iceberg and now anchors Fives 'news' although ditch the smart casual 'tash. After Sian considering the fit f giggles by Today's news caster worth of a slot on the 6 o'clock.I'm following suit *cancels tv license dd*

YORSKSHIREWATCH: A furious airline boss has blasted the French as "lazy frogs" after protests disrupted services to the UK. Philip Meeson, the chairman and chief executive of Yorkshire-based budget carrier Jet2.com, launched his attack in an article on the company website - *doffs cap, salutes, sings Jerusalem*

she couldn't wait to spend the money

Fridaywatch

JOLLYWATCH: National depression week this week chaps. For events near you check out www.bbc.co.uk/manchester. Next week: National Lawn Mowing week. Probably.

MOTHEROFYEARWATCH: To keep her poor little blind and disabled son happy on photoshoots, Jordan has been seen scattering crisps on the floor so that Harvey can graze on them. Like a sheep.

COURTESYOFPOPBITCH: "My mate got sacked from the Cheese Hamlet shop in Didsbury for muttering 'I'm watching you mate' to Richard Madeley when he was browsing the cheese selection."

UNCLESAMWATCH: On sale now in America - vitamin enriched bottled water for dogs. Toilet Water, has a chicken flavour; Gutter Water is beef flavoured; Puddle water has a liver flavour and Hose Water is lamb flavoured. A four-pack sells for $7.49, a 12-pack costs $19.99. US aid to Africa is approx $3 per taxpayer. There are 300 million people in Africa without regular access to safe water.

LUNCHWATCH: As most commuters I love a good half term and the lack of Chelsea tractors on the road taking 15 year old 400 yards to their schools why o why o why do all the munters in the world have to desend on Manchester at lunch time prolonging queues at the cash machines and generally dickingabout in M&S when you are trying to buy some tights. Bring me my shotgun.

northwatch

VEST WATCH - -4. Have it on today together with furry boots, two coats, scarf which can double as a blanket to cover my knees at my desk and hat and mittens. You've seen The Day After Tomorrow. Replace NYC Public Library with Lower Wood Road Farm Cottage. We've got the electric stove on and will shortly be burning copies of the green book.

SPROUT WATCH - They've now come to the boil. Attempted to fork one to see progress of cooking, couldn't find culinary implement that could penetrate outer leaves. I'll give them another 3 weeks simmering.

HAIR WATCH - Clare Balding

ROAD WATCH - Skidded into next door's stables trying to get offlane, fortunately kackmobile mostly constructed from plastic so bounced off. Skidded into little welsh Susan's house on the lane, fortunately it used to be the village pub and is made of sturdy stuff. Skidded into hedge, fortunately soft landing so no harm done.

ARMED FORCES WATCH - A former Royal Navy sailor was jailed yesterday for dropkicking an albino hamster three metres in the air.

LANCASHIRE WATCH - 10 Beatles Songs translated:

1. Glad all over - Reet as ewt

2. How do you do it? - Ahs ti dun thad?

3. Let it be - Gerrofit

4. Money - Brass

5. Hello Goodbye - Ow do si thee

6. The Long and Winding Road - Dahnt M6

7. The Fool on the Hill - Jim Bowen

8. Yes it is - Aye

9. You're going to lose that girl - Shillbeoff

10. Love me do - Gerremoff

Life Story in 6 Words

Is there anyone out there? No.

Rather be hung for a sheep

For sale good sense, never used

From poppers to pistachios and back

Fcuk it, it'll be alright

Mad as a box of goats

There is time yet to achieve

Do you do those in black

Pissed around too much at school

Not quite what I planned

Well I thought it was funny

I could have been a contender

woman: twenty-nine. underwhelming yesterdays. thrilling tomorrow?

I should have been a doctor

Things of leant/heard this week

This Morning have a launched a 'Britain's Best Kept Bush' comp - I betFern wet herself

There are some particle thingies which get sucked into black holesmaking them smaller and some that get thrown about and the universe is acone shape. Also you can create a model of the universe with a sheet ofplastic, a crystal ball and a tuppence. In fact why aren't I just working forHawkins, we could investigate whether the moon is actually made of cheese.

M&S magic knickers are in fact as large and thick as a fire blanket

'Football is like fighting a gorilla, you don't stop fighting when youare tired you stop when the gorilla is tired' - Chris Coleman. WTF?

Chewing gum does not take seven years to pass through your body nor doesit stick your lungs together

Grief Obssession?

The Munich air disaster, in the words of mensa-esque Steps, was a Tragedy. It was also 50 years ago, and many people have died since, without mention, wreath, 1 minute's silence. Why then do the Beeb and ITV seemed to have milked this MF for the past week. The final straw was Coronation St having a toast in the Rovers.

Have we turned into Liverpool FFS

*lays wreath*

Floyd in Hospital

Keith Floyd in hospital. Is he next!?

Oi - CELEBRITIES! Stop.Fecking.Dying!