fairy in two days on the lash shocker

WEEKENDWATCH: Youth may be wasted on the young, but if I was 10 years younger I'd be down the pub not cuddling Harry Potter and dreading getting up for work tomorrow. Still at least no one took photos *checks MyFace, cringes*

GAYMPWATCH: Lib Dem MP Mark Oaten's wife has spoken of her horror at learning of his affair with a gayer. She blamed her husband's behaviour on the stress of his job which she argued pressed "all sorts of buttons" - yeah sound plausible. As soon as I'm stressed if often ease my tensions down the village with a sensible shoe wearing tennis player. GET OUT (of the closet)

DOGGYDO: Snoop Dogg is working on his first novel. The book - titled Love Don't Live Here No More - will be published in the US in October. (should be "anymore" - you oaf). *shakes head and wrie on wall for 'I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar'

BARROWINFURNESSBUSDEPOTWATCH: Cumbrian Chewits factory set to close. What is it with this country and our inability to manufacture anything. FFS, chewy sweets! How can there not be a market for them. I blame the French and probably the Americans (for good measure).

IRRATIONALHATRED: NHS car parks. £2.50 to park for 45 minutes. Government alleges that NHS has had best year ever, I should say so, making more dosh than NCP. MFs

COUNTRYLIVING: watched kestrel (for a knave) swooping over small defenceless creature on bridleway last night. Natures glory all around me. Perhaps this rural idle isn't so bad (save for smell, cow p00, midges, farm traffic, ramblers, owls, mooing and cock a doodle f ing do)

The List (AGAIN)

Vodafone are up the chart after delivering emails to me 24 hours after they have been sent. What's the friggin point!? I could've gone to "Destiny's Child - "I cant believe it's a law firm" and told them myself

FFS!

The List

Lime has rocketed upto Number 1 in "The List" - the MFs! During MY birthday celebrations on Friday night (yes I did draw it out for an entire weekend), I was allowed in (initially) then REFUSED entry upon leaving said drinking hole to make sure that everyone had got in ok. They said, get this, that I was too drunk! How dare they!

Needless to say we turned on heel and flounced off to Tribecca where we were welcomed with open arms (and legs probably).

NORTHWATCH

RYANSCARE: FAQ on Ryanair's website 'Can I bring a self inflating life jacket' 'Yes, in your checked luggage'. Not much cop if the driver, whilst taking you to the wrong airport, crashes on the way. To be sure.

GRANTMITCHELL: Ultimate Farce? Get the man some M&S magic knickers *does military hand signal*

PUPPYWATCH: We now only refer to tinkles and poops. Lord help us

NORTHOUTRAGE: Price of pint set to rise at Ramsbottom Working Men's Club by 15% which will bring them in line with 1966 prices. Form an orderly queue.

HASSELHOOK: David Hasselhoff is to appear in panto this Christmas playing Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan. In this 'revisioned' version, Hook warns Peter not to go swimming by the pier but Peter ignores his advice and has to be rescued by Tinkerbell, a shapely blonde in a red swimsuit.

SPOOKS: According to a group of psychics John Lennon has written a new song from beyond the grave, the loonies claim to have contacted the former scouser/conceptual jap lover for a pay per view séance in (yes you guessed it) the US. Lennon's lyrics were revealed a sure fire Christmas number one....'Around the world we are all alike, so why is there war? Why do we fight? There is one sea, one sky. One earth, you and I.' Apparently he also dictated the terrible punctuation.

Things I've Learnt This Week

• url: is an acronym of uniform resource locator


• Cows lie down when its raining to protect a dry patch of grass for later grazing - bovine genius


• My home telephone number when I lived in Rammy is now Malley's office number - the gods are toying with us


• I'm not sure I'm cut out for dicing with danger in 4 inch wedges on a wet Friday


• Riggs wouldn't have got his ass kicked by a girl and then saved from certain death by a t'internet geek whacking a bad guy with a stick. Try Hard(er)


• I'm still thirsting for romance and the sand between my toes


• We buy more ships from foreign manufacturers than any other island nation, that's just embarrassing


• You can survive in a peach all the way to New York


• My Arctic Monkey ticket includes a stage bar pass it can go one of two ways (both bad)


• At 29 my husband is too old for Ibiza


• Picking a fantasy football team based on looks may not be the way to win the league


• I still don't understand what happened at the end of The Matrix trilogy

oh, its been a busy week

Oscar Wilde would be proud

Wise words from Ryan Seacrest (American Idol host who is of course VERY straight - much like Thomas "feather boa" Cruise), on Skeletor when interviewing the vacuous bag of bones in the U S of MoFo'ing A:

"You're as sexy as you are clever"

You Sir, are a genius. Much like a 747, this insightful comment no doubt when straight over the poisoned lollipop's head...........surprised it didn't fall off.

"It's hard being fabulous" - fuck off you media slag bag

Scouseland in Crime Shocker!!

A survery has found that a third of householders keep an anti-intruder weapon in their homes for self defence.It suggested (shockingly) that people in Liverpool are most likely to keep potential weapons. Scouser feels a victim shocker! FFS

Only 7% of Liverpudlians said they felt safe at home at night - well below the national average.

*lays wreath, has 5 minute silence, cos it's err like a Tuesday, laments victim status*

the hooded claw...

.....has left the building. until. tuesday. mange. tout.

its been a funny old day

God made this glorious day

And over arching sky

For rolling in the hay

And watching clouds float by

God made this single day

For sinners everywhere

So fill your heart with abandon

And drink in the golden air

We share signs of bad design

But have we lost the plot

This is not the world we saw for ourselves

But it's the only one we've got

God made this beautiful day for sinners everywhere too

And if your ears are burning

Maybe I'm thinking of you

Auntie Betty has queeny strop

It seems that I'm not the only Queen to have a tantrum now and again. Yes, HRH Auntie Betty, kicked off big time during a photo shoot with celeb snapper Annie Leibovitz.

Leibovitz tells the Queen she thinks her shot would look better without her crown but the Queen said: "I'm not changing anything" and walked off. Good one yer my luv! It's my crown so cock off!!

Bet she kicks Phil the Greek's arse after he rocks up to the Palace late, pissed out of his tree

Technology "bafflement"

I'm no expert with IT but I know what to do when I "lose my toolbar" and I know it's called a "mouse" not a "moose" (as one ageing professional called it at a certain legal institution in Manchestershire). I'm a recent addition to Facebook however and did think this was a dating nee "grooming" site for the kids and The Gays. How wrong.

Even though I have RECENTLY left my 20's I have to say that following an hour tutorial with mypartnerincrime evilfairy, I can now "get by" and find it strangely addictive. Some people however are beyond help. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. We'll call the person in question FG to protect him and EF is of course evilfairy:-

"FG: What's the site thing I need to sign up for
EF: I've sent you the link, goon
FG: I know but what's it called, MyFace
EF: Yes, that's it"

Let's just say the promise of a tutorial has been revoked.

Ryder in trouble with "da law"? Surely not

He of rotund figure, mouth of a sewer, and voice of an (hell's) angel, Shaun Ryder is in trouble with Mancunia City Council (bet he's shitting it) for smoking during his gig at that venue akin to the Syndey Opera House - The Ritz on Oxford Rd. Shaun "fucking nice shoes" Ryder apparantly sparked up "cig after cig" prompting the crowd to do the same, like lemmings to the slaughter.

A spokesman for Manc Council, Mr Karney added: "No matter how big he thinks he is, he is not above the law. There will be no breaches of this law in Manchester."

I'm picturing Mr Karney is bespecticled dwarf with a Judge Dredd complex. FFS! You ARE not DI Burnside

YORKSHIREWATCH: A hospital patient being treated with a flammable gel for a skin condition has died after being engulfed in flames as he lit a cigarette. It is believed the 60-year-old was smoking on a fire escape at DoncasterRoyal Infirmary on Monday.

Only in Donny!!

Singer Will Young has been attacked by a jealous gorilla. The incident occurred while the Pop Idol mincer was visiting a gorilla orphanage in Cameroon for the Saving Planet Earth television series. The animal noticed that his mate had taken a shine to the young crooner. He said: "One of the gorillas kept making this noise that meant she fancied me. "It didn't go down to well with the males. One gave me this look out of the corner of his eye and flung a huge rock against the fence right in front of my face."

Not the first time he's had boulders boucing off his face?

WEBWATCH: Following on from the business plan devised by Miss H and myself I checked out the domain name www.askcharlie.co.uk <http://www.askcharlie.co.uk/> and found to my utter dismay that it's taken by an information strategy development company. Not sure what they do but if your organisation suffers from multiple databases with mis-matched data, poor transaction processes which are largely manual and labour intensive, lack of Management Information or it is very time consuming to produce, diverse and disjointed systems, especially fundraising, membership and finance then they are the A-Team.

HEADLINEWATCH: *Read this* Roses clash washed out. * Panicked and then breathed a sigh of relief upon reading accompanying article* 'Persistent rain throughout the morning at Old Trafford, combined with a forecast for further rain in the afternoon, meant that Tuesday's 50-over friendly between Lancashire and Yorkshire was abandoned at 10am'.

BOLTONWATCH: Dr Who is joining the campaign against toilet closures in the town centre with his very own Loos Blues! Musician Howard Broadbent is in the middle of writing a "jazzy blues" song about the lack of loos and the 69-year-old pianist took his colourful protest to the very heart of the problem the new "Tardis" superloo which has replaced the Moor Lane bus station toilets. "It is absolutely ludicrous that we have hardly any toilets either in the town centre or across the whole borough," said the pianist *Hmm I'm sure they meant to print something else*. "Instead, we have this thing that no-one wants to use. "I have seen the number of toilets diminish over the years. "They are supposed to be public conveniences, but this is a very inconvenient town for these services." He called on Bolton Council http://www.bolton.gov.uk/ to reopen the bus station toilets. Howard, who is standing as Socialist Labour candidate for Astley Bridge ward in the local election, added: "This is 2007 and we should have improved things. We had more toilets in 1956." And the songwriter, who co-wrote the famous song "The Blackpool Belle" popularised by the Houghton Weavers, plans to take his individual musical protest to the people. "I will be including in it that very special Bolton Walk - which is a kind of cross-legged mincing, forced on us all by the situation!" Super

NORTHWATCH: Taken from the Bolton Evening New Classifieds:

GREEN PARROT With cage and accessories. Friendly, nearly talking. May deliver.£250 07977 808791

HONEY - BEES for sale. Tel 01204 300860

EDUWATCH: The cartoon image that mice love cheese is a myth, an academic has claimed. Dr David Holmes, from Manchester Metropolitan University, said that mice would be more likely to be lured into a trap by cereal. - I am soooooooo glad my taxes are funding such wonders of education like this nibblet - *picks up Mail on Sunday*

AKTINSWATCH: 'The Amazing Protein Diet' shouts the Daily Express headline. Accordingly to their sources by eating a protein based diet in sensible proportions this can speed up your metabolism and burn fat. Apparently its not just me that the last 10 years have by passed.

WELSHWATCH: I'm living on a powder keg and giving off sparks. I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight...... Well it will if that lots goes up. Is it me?

BABYWATCH: Sean Bean really should have named his son Les

COCKNEYWATCH: Do what? Apples and pears, old joanna darn the rub an dub. SPEAK ENGLISH

e:mail update from MI5......we have been down graded from 'bricking it' to 'arseing you around at airport check-ins'

as you were

So far so mud

COUNTRYLIVINGWATCH: Rigour mortis vermin on front step which was removed with empty cheese and onion Squares packet and a teaspoon. Next door's horse attempted to have a nibble of me as I got in car. How much more can I take?

MONKEYHANDSWATCH: As Kylie so eloquently put it......

TRAVOLTAWATCH: Stranded at the drive-in, branded a fool. What will they say Monday at school? John you're 29 now, you should be thinking of getting a job.

GOBWATCH: Denist alleges Rose doesn't open her mouth widely enough

LIVEFROMLEEDS: Its full of Yorkshire types *shivers* and they sell bread 'rolls' in the Greggs round the corner from the station. HAVE THAT HAVERS

Water level is rising

DUSTWATCH: There's a cleaning company in Cobham called SPRUCE SPRINGCLEAN

NORTHWATCH: television presenter Vernon Kay has been named one of Britain's best dressed celebrity dads second only to England skipper David Beckham. Vernon, who is married to Tess Daly and has a daughter, Phoebe, came second in a poll with 17.2 per cent of the votes, behind Beckham with 32.6 per cent in the tiewarehouse.co.uk survey. Does anyone really care?

KIRSTYWATCH: I thought she was joshing it; yet still she's mooching around balancing a straw between her top lip and nose.

YORKSHIREWATCH: Gents across Yorkshire have been urged to take the "tinkle test" to check their hydration levels. Yorkshire Water have developed "peeometers" to help members of the public gauge how well they are performing against the ideal. The organisation has urged men to use Men's Health Week to make a resolution to check their hydration levels on a regular basis. A spokesman said men in particular needed to be encouraged to drink water. And this is tax payers money!

If they really only have this and breadcakes to worry about no wonder they lost the war of the roses.

Northwatch

THINKTANKWATCH: Apparently after 2 years and several thousand cups of Starbucks, government think tank, ThinkOn, has concluded that there are eggs in Scotch Eggs.

PITWATCH: Have been trying 'natural' methods of BO bashing in light of adverse effects of using chemical deodorants. To wit, wetting a bit of rock and rubbing it under my arm. The result? No one wants to sit near me in the office.

CONFESSIONWATCH: I had a meeting about a meeting last week.

DIETWATCH: I have started taking Hoodia Gordonii, (£20.00 for 100 Holland & Barratt) had a slice of toast last Thursday. Recommended ***

SPOTTED: Jim Bowen in the Pack Horse at Affettside (that's about 7 minutes from Ty's house). Smokes like a chimney.

ITS ALL ABOUT HIM

and we'd all do well to remember that......

20th July 5.05pm @ Chaopraya (aka Chakrabatiarama) then onwards and upwards.

Come join the commiserations as Miss Haversham reaches her 'coming of age'