things I learnt last week

• People are stupid, especially people from Levenshulme


• Just because a young man is well spoken and attractive doesn't make him a good packer of carrier bags


• There's a shop on Edgware Road called 'Cake n Bake'


• Having th'ipod in doesn't mean no one can hear you pump


• The Witchway rocks, was on the Sarah Preston today (she was from Padiham), I aspire to have a bus named after me one day

kill tina

Lottery scratch card has been withdrawn from sale by Camelot - because players couldn't understand it.The Cool Cash game - launched on Monday - was taken out of shops yesterday after some players failed to grasp whether or not they had won. To qualify for a prize, users had to scratch away a window to reveal a temperature lower than the figure displayed on each card. As the game had a winter theme, the temperature was usually below freezing.But the concept of comparing negative numbers proved too difficult for some Camelot received dozens of complaints on the first day from players who could not understand how, for example, -5 is higher than -6.Tina Farrell, from Levenshulme, called Camelot after failing to win with several cards. The 23-year-old, who said she had left school without a math's GCSE, said: "On one of my cards it said I had to find temperatures lower than -8. The numbers I uncovered were -6 and -7 so I thought I had won, and so did the woman in the shop. But when she scanned the card the machine said I hadn't."I phoned Camelot and they fobbed me off with some story that -6 is higher - not lower - than -8 but I'm not having it".

the law's an ass.....

A little-known law which prohibits people dying while in the Houses of Parliament has been voted the UK's most ludicrous piece of legislation. Another law which states it is treason to use a postage stamp upside down was placed in second place by those polled by UKTV Gold *UKTV Gold, you can see where this is going*

The most absurd international law was judged to be in the US state of Ohio, where it is illegal to get fish drunk.

The 3,931 people asked selected the laws from a shortlist of bizarre rules. A total of 27% of those questioned thought the law against dying in the Houses of Parliament was the most absurd, while 7% voted for the legislation banning placing postage stamps upside down

I'm bored now

Roll on 2010

You look like Tommy Steele, I hated you from day one, and you have RUINED my 2008.

It's been a while

I know it's been an age but this work thing has been a biatch of late.



Anyhoo, saw this "gem" and couldn't resist posting. Jobless, wannabe, who falls in "love" within 5 minutes of seeing the female of the species, Paul "oh-Danan", has been sacked from panto for swearing at the crowd: genius!

He apparantly was playing Jack in Jack and the Beanstalk and was the guest star at the xmas lights switch on in..........Preston - how glam! Eff'in the Jeff'in at the crowd of mums and kiddies is probably not the best way to gain favour you utter TWUNT! You are not Fiddy Cent FFS!

Councillor Hudson of the local parish said: "His outburst was a disgrace and an insult to the people of Preston" - surely not Councillor? I mean,.....it IS Preston

*flicks Vs at McFLuff*

x


Tis good to be back and vent some spleen x

postman prat

unofficial strikes continue with some of the posties not going back towork today. Guess where has been affected.............Liverpool! FFS

at least I don't have to worry about some scouse postman emptying his sack on my desk

*lays wreath for no reason whatsoever*

You can imagine the shopping list being compiled!

Steven Gerrard has been involved in a car accident with a 10-year-old boy. Apparantly the cash cow..er boy, suffered leg injuries when he was knocked down by the England player's car near his luxury home on Grantham Road, Birkdale, Merseyside. Leaving aside that the words "luxury" and "Merseyside" is somewhat of a juxtaposition, I can imagine poor little Keanu/Jordan etc's family compiling a list of the "mental torture" that he's suffered.

I bet the scouse lawyers were flocking to the scene like Toxteth to the Post Office on giro day

Expect a week of mourning in self-pity city any time now.......

As if Gail Platt doesnt have enough to worry about!

Her first husband is killed, her second divorces her and her third turns out to be a serial killer. Her daughter gets up the stick at 12 and then her wayward son nearly kills her grandaughter by slipping her an E. Poor ET is having a rough ride innit.



She won't be best please to learn that beloved Nicky Platt (would) aka Adam Rickett has been and "done a Maddely" and been caught shopping down under; no not rummaging in some lady bits, but nicking from a shop in Oz. The rather fey looking cheshire boy was done for nicking a loaf, some HP and a block of cheese. He has been filming in Shortland St and apparantly has been under "considerable stress". FFS, it's hardly five nights with the Royal Shakespeare Company is it!!! He "forgot to pay" and now may face criminal charges

And THIS was the Tories choice for victory! GET WITH THE PROGRAMME CAMERON UNLESS YOU WANT FIVE YEARS OF THE ONE EYED JOCK!!

dwarf tosser

Shayne Ward almost killed a Mexican midget on a video shoot in Los Angeles recently in a bizarre swimming pool accident, it has been claimed. The "X-Factor" winner is understood to have been on-set making the promo film for his new single, alongside a party of models. Two midgets were also involved in the filming but chaos ensued when Ward was required to toss one of the short extras into the pool. Apparently he selected the 'wrong' one, who was unable to breath in the pool because he was wearing a full face mask. Crew members were forced to leap into the water and rescue the midget, with Ward also aiding the dramatic rescue bid, according to a shoot 'source'. "Shayne was obviously really embarrassed by what happened - luckily his 'victim' thought it was hilarious, and they all ended up having a right laugh about it", he explained.

Its a fecking slow news day......apart from Led Zepplin annoucing a gig (AoS)

lesson # 1

Here's the fundamental difference between men and woman....woman just want to talk and get things off their chests and other woman understand this. Men need to offer solutions to problems, which is not what woman want. So when I e:mail you moaning about my life, just nod your head & get me chocolate. Also feel free to call the Hooded Claw a bastard pig.....................

MyFace

So, I come back to work to a surprisingly clear desk, albeit with a small woodland area's worth of post, only to find that facebook has been added to the blacklist - FFS!! I really can't think why

*checks internet history*


oh

things we've learnt this week

• Lassie was played by a number of male dogs despite being a girl


• There is a reason that your hairdresser tells you not to cut your own fringe


• The grass is only greener elsewhere because it is mowed more often


• Never take advice from someone who doesn't understand the concept of an 'emergency dairy milk'


• No one here knows the Heimlich manoeuvre


• Defendant solicitors are a bunch of evil, dirty bastards


• It's too cold to go commando


• Miss H and Mr Have have an unhealthy obsession with 24 andJack Bauer

wooden tart

Caught the new Captain Scarlet yesterday morning, its all CGI now instead of supermarionation. Very unhappy as CGI Scarlet not nearly so good looking at wooden puppet scarlet. Then got worried that had fancied a puppet and with that and my predilection for beardy hobos............I'm going to ask my GP to up my dosage!

www.captainscarlet.com

First female beefeater started work today at London tower

*sits back and awaits puns*

restores the faith

BBC news last night - On receiving her GCSE results a girl said 'aw, I fawt I done worse than dat'......

the grade.... A

the subject...English

Miss H packs the nap sack

Yes, I'm away now for 2 whole weeks (well almost). Blog updates will be sparse therefore (even more so!!). I am sure you'll cope without me and I'll leave you in the capable hands of evil fairy, whilst Mr Havs and I recharge the ole batteries

x

Doherty free - AGAIN!? FFS!

How is this possible?! Yes the pus stained, sweat ridden darling of the "alternative crowd" has been released AGAIN after charges of breaching his bail conditions were droppped.

Is his dealer the magistrate, is he "main lining" with Auntie Betty!!?? JUST.BANG.HIM.UP.!!

the english language

I was watching North West tonight. They were interviewing the parents of a little girl who has just been allowed back home after a heart transplant. I think they were from Wigan, but I could be wrong. They certainly looked like they were from Wigan. Anyway, wherever they were from, they want shooting. First they described the girl as "our little miracle". Which, if you think about it, makes no sense. A miracle is an event or an act, not a person. But OK, I let that one slide, as it's a commonly-used phrase in circumstances like this, and I appreciate that their emotions must have got the better of them. But then - oh, God, it's making me seethe even now - when asked how the little miracle was doing, the mother said, "We're really pleased. She's weller now than she's ever been."

Weller????

She's weller now...????

Perhaps she's had a heart transplant from an ex member of The Jam. That is the ONLY excuse available for that kind of language.

I turned over I could bear no more

Whatever happened to a binge on 20/20!?

Gone are the "good ole days" of being sat a park with 20/20 or some equally vile poison of choice. A teenager has been taken to hospital after overdosing on espresso coffee, AND she was from County Durham FFS! You perhaps understand it if she was called TIffany from that London.

Apparantly she began to develop a fever and began hyperventilating after downing seven double espressos while working at her family's sandwich shop. - oh get her!

For the love of god woman, open the gin, smoke 40 fags and come back to me when you've got some balls. You should be ashamed of yer sen!

Yeah, it's a killer that Starbucks (*)

* - other coffee outlets are available

is it me?

University of Western Australia has wasted time, money and resources studying fish oil and the benefit to co-ordination. I've been taking it for fecking years and still can't walk in a pair of wedges after 2 pints of cider (ice in the cider).

Jeez, wait until I get my own show on BBC3

Also, its only 20 weeks until Christmas

We have gone too PC

They just don't make adverts like this anymore

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6mGfqJAt0s

Prince

The concert was totally amazing, the O2 arena is aces and I saw 2 members of Coronation St, on the way down - what more can you ask for.

Being in that London however did confirm my suspicions that there are some friggin numpties. Had to queue at the merchandise stall for AGES to get my "symbol" pendant, which is fair enough BUT the queues were made infinitely worse by middle-class farquahs who, when reaching the front of the queue, THEN decided to browse!!

Was in a rage, I tell thee. Mr Havs and I had to have a sambucca or 2 to calm down

Finger on the pulse!

I've only just learned that Mike Reid is dead! FFS!!

Las Vegas of the North

Football-loving children in a Blackpool street have been warned to stop their kickabouts or face fines of £50. Letters have been sent out to homes in the Bloomfield area of the town, near Blackpool Football Club, warning that playing football in the street is illegal - outrageous!............ As if anyone from Blackpool as even seen £50!! BTW Dr Who is switching th'illuminations on 31st August.

*sings Land of Hope of Glory* - A ban on exporting British beef, which was imposed in 1996 to prevent the spread of mad cow disease, has officially ended - HAVE THAT FRENCHIE!!

Sean Connery's ex-wife has written an autobiography, and in it makes claims that Connery used to beat her. TBF it is Bond - whether he's hitting you or humping you, you know you're in for the ride of your life. Besides, it's impossible to be mad at a guy who has a watch that shoots lasers out of it.

His Purple Majesty

Yep, Prince is imminent. The ipod is loaded, the clothes are washed and ironed, the train and hotel is booked, and I am as giddy as Chris Langham in a playground. With reviews like this, I cannot wait:-

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6927548.stm

Will no doubt come back with a lighter bank balance after spending a fortune on t-shirts, pendants etc trying to convince myself that I'm in the NPG

fairy in two days on the lash shocker

WEEKENDWATCH: Youth may be wasted on the young, but if I was 10 years younger I'd be down the pub not cuddling Harry Potter and dreading getting up for work tomorrow. Still at least no one took photos *checks MyFace, cringes*

GAYMPWATCH: Lib Dem MP Mark Oaten's wife has spoken of her horror at learning of his affair with a gayer. She blamed her husband's behaviour on the stress of his job which she argued pressed "all sorts of buttons" - yeah sound plausible. As soon as I'm stressed if often ease my tensions down the village with a sensible shoe wearing tennis player. GET OUT (of the closet)

DOGGYDO: Snoop Dogg is working on his first novel. The book - titled Love Don't Live Here No More - will be published in the US in October. (should be "anymore" - you oaf). *shakes head and wrie on wall for 'I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar'

BARROWINFURNESSBUSDEPOTWATCH: Cumbrian Chewits factory set to close. What is it with this country and our inability to manufacture anything. FFS, chewy sweets! How can there not be a market for them. I blame the French and probably the Americans (for good measure).

IRRATIONALHATRED: NHS car parks. £2.50 to park for 45 minutes. Government alleges that NHS has had best year ever, I should say so, making more dosh than NCP. MFs

COUNTRYLIVING: watched kestrel (for a knave) swooping over small defenceless creature on bridleway last night. Natures glory all around me. Perhaps this rural idle isn't so bad (save for smell, cow p00, midges, farm traffic, ramblers, owls, mooing and cock a doodle f ing do)

The List (AGAIN)

Vodafone are up the chart after delivering emails to me 24 hours after they have been sent. What's the friggin point!? I could've gone to "Destiny's Child - "I cant believe it's a law firm" and told them myself

FFS!

The List

Lime has rocketed upto Number 1 in "The List" - the MFs! During MY birthday celebrations on Friday night (yes I did draw it out for an entire weekend), I was allowed in (initially) then REFUSED entry upon leaving said drinking hole to make sure that everyone had got in ok. They said, get this, that I was too drunk! How dare they!

Needless to say we turned on heel and flounced off to Tribecca where we were welcomed with open arms (and legs probably).

NORTHWATCH

RYANSCARE: FAQ on Ryanair's website 'Can I bring a self inflating life jacket' 'Yes, in your checked luggage'. Not much cop if the driver, whilst taking you to the wrong airport, crashes on the way. To be sure.

GRANTMITCHELL: Ultimate Farce? Get the man some M&S magic knickers *does military hand signal*

PUPPYWATCH: We now only refer to tinkles and poops. Lord help us

NORTHOUTRAGE: Price of pint set to rise at Ramsbottom Working Men's Club by 15% which will bring them in line with 1966 prices. Form an orderly queue.

HASSELHOOK: David Hasselhoff is to appear in panto this Christmas playing Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan. In this 'revisioned' version, Hook warns Peter not to go swimming by the pier but Peter ignores his advice and has to be rescued by Tinkerbell, a shapely blonde in a red swimsuit.

SPOOKS: According to a group of psychics John Lennon has written a new song from beyond the grave, the loonies claim to have contacted the former scouser/conceptual jap lover for a pay per view séance in (yes you guessed it) the US. Lennon's lyrics were revealed a sure fire Christmas number one....'Around the world we are all alike, so why is there war? Why do we fight? There is one sea, one sky. One earth, you and I.' Apparently he also dictated the terrible punctuation.

Things I've Learnt This Week

• url: is an acronym of uniform resource locator


• Cows lie down when its raining to protect a dry patch of grass for later grazing - bovine genius


• My home telephone number when I lived in Rammy is now Malley's office number - the gods are toying with us


• I'm not sure I'm cut out for dicing with danger in 4 inch wedges on a wet Friday


• Riggs wouldn't have got his ass kicked by a girl and then saved from certain death by a t'internet geek whacking a bad guy with a stick. Try Hard(er)


• I'm still thirsting for romance and the sand between my toes


• We buy more ships from foreign manufacturers than any other island nation, that's just embarrassing


• You can survive in a peach all the way to New York


• My Arctic Monkey ticket includes a stage bar pass it can go one of two ways (both bad)


• At 29 my husband is too old for Ibiza


• Picking a fantasy football team based on looks may not be the way to win the league


• I still don't understand what happened at the end of The Matrix trilogy

oh, its been a busy week

Oscar Wilde would be proud

Wise words from Ryan Seacrest (American Idol host who is of course VERY straight - much like Thomas "feather boa" Cruise), on Skeletor when interviewing the vacuous bag of bones in the U S of MoFo'ing A:

"You're as sexy as you are clever"

You Sir, are a genius. Much like a 747, this insightful comment no doubt when straight over the poisoned lollipop's head...........surprised it didn't fall off.

"It's hard being fabulous" - fuck off you media slag bag

Scouseland in Crime Shocker!!

A survery has found that a third of householders keep an anti-intruder weapon in their homes for self defence.It suggested (shockingly) that people in Liverpool are most likely to keep potential weapons. Scouser feels a victim shocker! FFS

Only 7% of Liverpudlians said they felt safe at home at night - well below the national average.

*lays wreath, has 5 minute silence, cos it's err like a Tuesday, laments victim status*

the hooded claw...

.....has left the building. until. tuesday. mange. tout.

its been a funny old day

God made this glorious day

And over arching sky

For rolling in the hay

And watching clouds float by

God made this single day

For sinners everywhere

So fill your heart with abandon

And drink in the golden air

We share signs of bad design

But have we lost the plot

This is not the world we saw for ourselves

But it's the only one we've got

God made this beautiful day for sinners everywhere too

And if your ears are burning

Maybe I'm thinking of you

Auntie Betty has queeny strop

It seems that I'm not the only Queen to have a tantrum now and again. Yes, HRH Auntie Betty, kicked off big time during a photo shoot with celeb snapper Annie Leibovitz.

Leibovitz tells the Queen she thinks her shot would look better without her crown but the Queen said: "I'm not changing anything" and walked off. Good one yer my luv! It's my crown so cock off!!

Bet she kicks Phil the Greek's arse after he rocks up to the Palace late, pissed out of his tree

Technology "bafflement"

I'm no expert with IT but I know what to do when I "lose my toolbar" and I know it's called a "mouse" not a "moose" (as one ageing professional called it at a certain legal institution in Manchestershire). I'm a recent addition to Facebook however and did think this was a dating nee "grooming" site for the kids and The Gays. How wrong.

Even though I have RECENTLY left my 20's I have to say that following an hour tutorial with mypartnerincrime evilfairy, I can now "get by" and find it strangely addictive. Some people however are beyond help. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. We'll call the person in question FG to protect him and EF is of course evilfairy:-

"FG: What's the site thing I need to sign up for
EF: I've sent you the link, goon
FG: I know but what's it called, MyFace
EF: Yes, that's it"

Let's just say the promise of a tutorial has been revoked.

Ryder in trouble with "da law"? Surely not

He of rotund figure, mouth of a sewer, and voice of an (hell's) angel, Shaun Ryder is in trouble with Mancunia City Council (bet he's shitting it) for smoking during his gig at that venue akin to the Syndey Opera House - The Ritz on Oxford Rd. Shaun "fucking nice shoes" Ryder apparantly sparked up "cig after cig" prompting the crowd to do the same, like lemmings to the slaughter.

A spokesman for Manc Council, Mr Karney added: "No matter how big he thinks he is, he is not above the law. There will be no breaches of this law in Manchester."

I'm picturing Mr Karney is bespecticled dwarf with a Judge Dredd complex. FFS! You ARE not DI Burnside

YORKSHIREWATCH: A hospital patient being treated with a flammable gel for a skin condition has died after being engulfed in flames as he lit a cigarette. It is believed the 60-year-old was smoking on a fire escape at DoncasterRoyal Infirmary on Monday.

Only in Donny!!

Singer Will Young has been attacked by a jealous gorilla. The incident occurred while the Pop Idol mincer was visiting a gorilla orphanage in Cameroon for the Saving Planet Earth television series. The animal noticed that his mate had taken a shine to the young crooner. He said: "One of the gorillas kept making this noise that meant she fancied me. "It didn't go down to well with the males. One gave me this look out of the corner of his eye and flung a huge rock against the fence right in front of my face."

Not the first time he's had boulders boucing off his face?

WEBWATCH: Following on from the business plan devised by Miss H and myself I checked out the domain name www.askcharlie.co.uk <http://www.askcharlie.co.uk/> and found to my utter dismay that it's taken by an information strategy development company. Not sure what they do but if your organisation suffers from multiple databases with mis-matched data, poor transaction processes which are largely manual and labour intensive, lack of Management Information or it is very time consuming to produce, diverse and disjointed systems, especially fundraising, membership and finance then they are the A-Team.

HEADLINEWATCH: *Read this* Roses clash washed out. * Panicked and then breathed a sigh of relief upon reading accompanying article* 'Persistent rain throughout the morning at Old Trafford, combined with a forecast for further rain in the afternoon, meant that Tuesday's 50-over friendly between Lancashire and Yorkshire was abandoned at 10am'.

BOLTONWATCH: Dr Who is joining the campaign against toilet closures in the town centre with his very own Loos Blues! Musician Howard Broadbent is in the middle of writing a "jazzy blues" song about the lack of loos and the 69-year-old pianist took his colourful protest to the very heart of the problem the new "Tardis" superloo which has replaced the Moor Lane bus station toilets. "It is absolutely ludicrous that we have hardly any toilets either in the town centre or across the whole borough," said the pianist *Hmm I'm sure they meant to print something else*. "Instead, we have this thing that no-one wants to use. "I have seen the number of toilets diminish over the years. "They are supposed to be public conveniences, but this is a very inconvenient town for these services." He called on Bolton Council http://www.bolton.gov.uk/ to reopen the bus station toilets. Howard, who is standing as Socialist Labour candidate for Astley Bridge ward in the local election, added: "This is 2007 and we should have improved things. We had more toilets in 1956." And the songwriter, who co-wrote the famous song "The Blackpool Belle" popularised by the Houghton Weavers, plans to take his individual musical protest to the people. "I will be including in it that very special Bolton Walk - which is a kind of cross-legged mincing, forced on us all by the situation!" Super

NORTHWATCH: Taken from the Bolton Evening New Classifieds:

GREEN PARROT With cage and accessories. Friendly, nearly talking. May deliver.£250 07977 808791

HONEY - BEES for sale. Tel 01204 300860

EDUWATCH: The cartoon image that mice love cheese is a myth, an academic has claimed. Dr David Holmes, from Manchester Metropolitan University, said that mice would be more likely to be lured into a trap by cereal. - I am soooooooo glad my taxes are funding such wonders of education like this nibblet - *picks up Mail on Sunday*

AKTINSWATCH: 'The Amazing Protein Diet' shouts the Daily Express headline. Accordingly to their sources by eating a protein based diet in sensible proportions this can speed up your metabolism and burn fat. Apparently its not just me that the last 10 years have by passed.

WELSHWATCH: I'm living on a powder keg and giving off sparks. I really need you tonight, forever's gonna start tonight...... Well it will if that lots goes up. Is it me?

BABYWATCH: Sean Bean really should have named his son Les

COCKNEYWATCH: Do what? Apples and pears, old joanna darn the rub an dub. SPEAK ENGLISH

e:mail update from MI5......we have been down graded from 'bricking it' to 'arseing you around at airport check-ins'

as you were

So far so mud

COUNTRYLIVINGWATCH: Rigour mortis vermin on front step which was removed with empty cheese and onion Squares packet and a teaspoon. Next door's horse attempted to have a nibble of me as I got in car. How much more can I take?

MONKEYHANDSWATCH: As Kylie so eloquently put it......

TRAVOLTAWATCH: Stranded at the drive-in, branded a fool. What will they say Monday at school? John you're 29 now, you should be thinking of getting a job.

GOBWATCH: Denist alleges Rose doesn't open her mouth widely enough

LIVEFROMLEEDS: Its full of Yorkshire types *shivers* and they sell bread 'rolls' in the Greggs round the corner from the station. HAVE THAT HAVERS

Water level is rising

DUSTWATCH: There's a cleaning company in Cobham called SPRUCE SPRINGCLEAN

NORTHWATCH: television presenter Vernon Kay has been named one of Britain's best dressed celebrity dads second only to England skipper David Beckham. Vernon, who is married to Tess Daly and has a daughter, Phoebe, came second in a poll with 17.2 per cent of the votes, behind Beckham with 32.6 per cent in the tiewarehouse.co.uk survey. Does anyone really care?

KIRSTYWATCH: I thought she was joshing it; yet still she's mooching around balancing a straw between her top lip and nose.

YORKSHIREWATCH: Gents across Yorkshire have been urged to take the "tinkle test" to check their hydration levels. Yorkshire Water have developed "peeometers" to help members of the public gauge how well they are performing against the ideal. The organisation has urged men to use Men's Health Week to make a resolution to check their hydration levels on a regular basis. A spokesman said men in particular needed to be encouraged to drink water. And this is tax payers money!

If they really only have this and breadcakes to worry about no wonder they lost the war of the roses.

Northwatch

THINKTANKWATCH: Apparently after 2 years and several thousand cups of Starbucks, government think tank, ThinkOn, has concluded that there are eggs in Scotch Eggs.

PITWATCH: Have been trying 'natural' methods of BO bashing in light of adverse effects of using chemical deodorants. To wit, wetting a bit of rock and rubbing it under my arm. The result? No one wants to sit near me in the office.

CONFESSIONWATCH: I had a meeting about a meeting last week.

DIETWATCH: I have started taking Hoodia Gordonii, (£20.00 for 100 Holland & Barratt) had a slice of toast last Thursday. Recommended ***

SPOTTED: Jim Bowen in the Pack Horse at Affettside (that's about 7 minutes from Ty's house). Smokes like a chimney.

ITS ALL ABOUT HIM

and we'd all do well to remember that......

20th July 5.05pm @ Chaopraya (aka Chakrabatiarama) then onwards and upwards.

Come join the commiserations as Miss Haversham reaches her 'coming of age'

Hard to imagine Huw Edwards doing this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAcU3HSMKPU

Fair play to Mika I say.

Most-of-septic-tanks-thick-as-pig-shit-and-obsessed-by-oxygen-thief-talent-vacuum SHOCKER!!!

I hope you got molested by a butch lezza Hilton, I really do.

As sure as night follows day.....

"Come on T....."



oh

there's a shocker - useless, foppish, robotic voice nonce

Henman out of Wimbledon. Pack.It.Up.Fella

MANCWATCH

Manchester Cathedral was first consecrated for St Denys (that's where you get Deansgate from) as following the Norman conquest the Frenchies had quite a foot hold in former Mamucium.

So that finally settles the muffin/barmcake debate.

What with the garlic munchers and the Romans these so called 'Mancs' should eating petit pain and ciabatta.

pants

One in 10 people wear their underwear for three days in a row, a peep into the nation's smalls has revealed. And a similar percentage of people has owned a pair of knickers or underpants for more than 10 years research from Manchester Metropolitan (not even a real university - oh that's where I went)

Ahhhhh glad to see my taxes spent so well! Cure for cancer out of the question then?

*picks up DailyMail*

Wannabe Ska' boy sees the light

Celebrity Big Brother "stars" Chantelle Houghton and Samuel Preston have split after 10 months of marriage.

"After much soul-searching and tearful discussions we have sadly decided to end our marriage," a statement said.

In other words "we can't keep up this cash cow forever, let's bail out now".

I can't dance....

Phil Collins is separating from his 3rd wifey after 6 yrs of marriage. Well, you "Cant Hurry Love" Phillip can you?

Repulica Mancunia

The Roman fort of Mamucium was founded in AD 79 as a communications post between Deva (Chester) and Eboracum (York) The site was chosen at modern-day Castlefield because it overlooked the point where the Irwell and Medlock rivers converge. Mamucium means Br£ast Shaped Hill, referring to the sandstone ridge where the fort was placed The Romans spent 300 years at Mamucium, building four forts, the largest of which accommodated 1000 troops Mam became Man, and Castrum (fort in Latin) turned into Chester.

So that settles it.

You're all Italians.

Mariah F ing Carey

Mariah Carey: "I'm Losing My Ass" - "I've been working out like mad - you can even punch me in the stomach and feel how tight that is". Oh my love, dont tempt me. Lets work on losing that voice shall we ?

crackwhore

ridin' dirty

.............the £70 million that the government has spent on drugs & drink education since 1996 has had its success measured as slight or non existent and even counterproductive. "We've seen over the last 10 to 12 years, particularly among young women, (Campbell & Richards) our consumption of alcohol has virtually doubled. "We are also seeing across the whole of the UK a dramatic rise in the amount of cirrhosis of the liver that's caused by chronic drinking and we are now the fastest growing country in Europe in terms of alcoholic cirrhosis" said someone in a white coat.

'bruvs, wot u talkin bout??? bumba clat u get my blud, innit me bredren'

I suspect this is nothing to do with a fresh white sliced!

Nowt "pure" about my "ring"

A 16-year-old girl is in the High Court to accuse her school of discriminating against Christians by banning the wearing of "purity rings". Lydia Playfoot (aces name!) wears a ring inscribed with a reference to the biblical verse I Thessalonians 4:3-4, which translates as:-

"God wants you to be holy, so you should keep clear of all sexual sin"

SWEET JESUS LUV!! Get yersen on a local park, wear an abundance of makeup a la Katie Hopkins from the Apprentice, drink a bottle of 20/20, Thunderbirds [insert poison of choice here], stagger behind a bike shed (do they still 'ave 'em) with "Tyrone" cos he's "well fit innit" and kiss that cherry goodbye!

*wanders off muttering about kids today*

I'll get my coat

• http://www.britishexam.com/uktest/#exams

easier to adopt an african baby

Mein Kampf publishes views of rascist shocker

Yep following the death of Bernard "eee I'm not rascist, I've got friends who are gay/black/jewish" Manning, that epitome of right wing tory drivel the Daily Mail has published his eulogy, which the rotund monobrow wrote himself apparantly.

He said the term racist was "just an easy, catch-all term of abuse bandied around by the media elite" against those who did not follow its "agenda".

Wha' the fuck??! Of course it is Bernard, in the same way that Hitler was just "having a laugh" with the jews.

Good ridance, you git

Pop the Cherry

No doubt as a result of my lengthy letter of complaint Kipling's have removed the claim from the DeLIGHTful Cherry Bakewells that you 'wont be able to taste the difference' between them and the full fat variety.

A pyrrhic victory, I know, as they still taste shite and have the ability to dry out your mucus membrane at the first bite; but a victory for this pedant nonetheless.

Still it pales besides the great McFluff fruit &nut/fruit&fruit campaign of 2001.

And so it begins....

Michael Barrymore has announced he has retired from Panto.....he did Alladin a few years ago but it's come back to haunt him......

next