Davestock 07

I'm grounded.

Public Service Announcement

I may have been a smigden in absentia in the past, but my partnerevilfairy is having "tinternet problems", hence why I'm carrying this sinking ship of late.

Just in case yer wondering...........although as me n her are the only ones who read this deluded drivel, I now realise I'm talking to myself.


oh dear

Rugby Players Act Gay Shocker!!

Taken from that highbrow channel ITV2 and Generation Xcess, these "hetero" males arent gay; good lord no, it's just "manly rugger bugger stuff" innit. Of course it is you bunch of homs.

Sandbach came top of their league, so what better way for a bunch of straight mates to celebrate then to get naked and play with others cocks, nips etc and have a bit of snog. Bless 'em. Their wives/girlfriends etc should twig on when Tarquin wants a scrum in the bedroom and calls her Ollie when he's giving her one up the wrong 'un.

GET OUT (of the closet)

BB Rascist? Surely not!

I bet Channel 4/Endemol are banging their collective noggins on the desk after self-styled Tory toff Emily (who let's not forget is a student/waitress) let this gaff go last night:-

"Are you pushing it out, you n**g*r"

to Charley Uchea, while they were dancing in the living room.

Cue hasty eviction of the rascist bitch who thinks she discovered "indie".

At least she has her friends to defend her. Check out her mate who has kindly posted on Facebook:-

"What the hell are you on about 'dirty racist',she was obviously blatently (sic) joking, it's not a big deal, it's only people like you and people who have got so strung up about little things
that the person did not mean in offence that have made this country so god damn politically disgustingly correct! URGHH political correctness will be the downfall of ENGLAND. Don't take everything so seriously, learn to take a joke and have a sense of humour or you'll all end uplike that idiot Charley".

Emily et al, is this you?




So eloquent and reasoned methinks. I'll be sure to tell the blacks, gays and jews to get a sense of humour next time Combat18/NF [insert right wing fascist group here] are giving them a right kickin'.

I fear for the future, I really do.

*shakes head and wanders off muttering*

Slow news day in Mancunia today

From the beeb's website:-

"A man sold his parrot after growing fed up with her foul mouth, only for her to return a few days later - in a bag of cheese and onion crisps.

Thomas Sleigh and his wife Michaela, of Stockport, Greater Manchester, decided to get rid of Molly when her swearing got too much for the family.

But within days of the naughty African Grey being sold her image turned up as Mr Sleigh tucked into a bag of crisps.

"It's almost like Molly has come back to haunt us," he said".

.......A crisp looks a bit mishapen shocker

In other news, Elvis dead

Bag of bones is woman of the year

I laughed when Sharon "2 kids in rehab, and one too embarrassed to be on TV with you" Osbourne won mum of the year, but the celeb world has certainly gone off its glitter encrusted rocker when Glamour Magazine appoints the human lollipop Woman of the Year.

Glamour Editor, Jo Elvin said of the award:-

"For the past 10 years, Victoria Beckham has been of figure of fascination. She has successfully reinvented herself from pop star to devoted wife and mother to successful designer and business mogul".

WHAT??! She married a footballer, traded off his name, had a couple of rugrats, and pouts - the end! I'm sure with her second-to-none skills she doesn't compare with poor Michelle from Wythy who raises an army of banshees on tuppence ha'penny, whilst her "devoted" hubby beats her daily for not having steak n' ale pie ont'able for 5pm sharp.

Business mogul?? BUSINESS MOGUL??! Business fucking MONG more like. She's hardly Sir Alan is she!!?

ARE YOU READING THIS JO ELVIN? ARE YOU??!

GET OUT!

Cowell goes insane?

"Singer" Dannii Minogue and choreographer Brian Friedman are to be judges on the next series of The X Factor? FFS. Leaving aside Brian (very unfortunate name for one so incredibly good looking), Dannii "I cant spell my name properly" Minogue, being a judge on the X-factor is like asking Peter Sutcliffe to be a rape counsellor. I think the pint sized, big breasted, fame hungry wannabe is just a tad under qualified.

BB8

Apologies in advance, but it had to be the subject of at least one post. Yep, the usual freaks and wannabes clutter our screens with shouts of "look at me".

Instantly hateable - the fucking single celled amoeba who thinks she's Skeletor. "People tell me I'm like Victoria Beckham all the time". What? A monosyllabic drag queen with a penchant for pouting and craving attention from the News of the Screws?

oh, maybe you are.

The fucking "raver" who collects bags seems to be a female (although I do use the term losely) version of Potty mouthed Pete from last year. It's just all too much.

Quote of the night though was from the "posh" bitch who thinks she's upper class and like sooooooooo right wing cos she votes Tory: "I've discovered a new type of music called "Indie"" - yeah, thanks luv. Very cutting edge. We've never heard of that particularly genre

FFS!

Not often I agree with the septics

Quote of the day....

'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion'

Attributed to General 'Storming' Norman Schwarzkopf

I'm calling the Samaritans!

I feel like I cant go on today.........It's the end of an era, and life doesn't seem to have a purpose. Mr Havs will be consoling my quaking body tonight if I make it home and avoid the temptation to throw myself into the road {copyright Withnail and I).

Yes ladies, brace yer sens, cos Liberty Kiss have announced they are to split!!

The group posted on its official website: "We want to let the fans know that Liberty X won't be doing any more recording together. All of us have separate projects we're working on and are excited about". Yes, apparantly they all due to complete their McJob training course soon, so they can then progress onto their first gold star.

FFS!!

Cutest story EVAH!

A pair of same sex flamingos have become foster parents after adopting an abandoned chick in Gloucestershire.

Carlos and Fernando had tried to start their own family by stealing eggs from other flamingos at the Wildfowl & Wetlands Trust (WWT) in Slimbridge. But their sitting and hatching skills impressed staff so much, that when a nest was abandoned last week, they were chosen to "adopt" the chick.

mwwwwwwwahhhhhhh - little gay flamingos, with ickle gay names and EVERYTHING!

*phones Mr Havs, phones adoption agency, changes name to Juan Carlos Haversham*

.......*rethinks previous post*

The UK's first police remote control helicopter is being put into action in Self-pity City, so the rozzers can remotely spy on the the Crime Capital's "inmates". All a bit Orwellian today innit!?

The machine is 1m wide, weighs less than a bag of sugar, and can record images from a height of 500m, and is controlled by remote control or GPS. "Our drone will be used primarily to support our anti-social behaviour taskforce AXIS, in gathering all important evidence to put offenders before the courts...er like, calm down, calm down etc" said a Liverpudlian rozzer earlier

*pictures scouser robbing a phone so he can call the Daily Mirror to report UFO, no doubt followed by a tribute, wreathes and 2 minute silence*

The uprising has started

Commentators have often said that George Orwell predicted a vision of the future with his novel 1984, but I reckon, he was more accurate with Animal Farm (the book, not the porno with those with a penchant for bestiality).

A holiday-maker has suffered a serious chest injury and a broken knee and wrist when he was trampled on by a herd of cows. The man, from Surrey, was attacked in fields by Clehonger, near Hereford, while walking his dog on Saturday. The beeb has stated that "it is not clear what caused the incident". Hmmmmmmm, the cows are getting wise methinks!!

Run for the hills people!!!

I aint no queer!

A 12-year-old Chicago girl and her grandparents are taking legal action after she was shown Brokeback Mountain in school.

Jessica Turner claims her teacher, Ms Buford, announced in the middle of a lesson that "what happens in Ms Buford's class stays in Ms Buford's class" - before asking a pupil to close the door and settling down to watch Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal getting busy. I wish I knew how to quit you Jakey, oh yes I do!

Most schoolkids would probably concede that spending an afternoon watching an Oscar-winning film beats the average school day. Although not Jessica, who complained to her family that "they made me watch this bad movie". Apparently this has inflicted the sort of psychological trauma that only $500,000 can cure, and her family have launched an action against the Chicago Board of Education.

A Darwin contender surely?

A window cleaner drowned in his bucket of water after suddenly collapsing while he worked. This poor unfortunate was from Wigan mind.

The father-of-one, of Fowler Close, Scholes, was working at the home of Miss Bebe in Whelley, near Wigan.

She told an inquest: "I went outside to hang some washing at the back when I saw a ladder propped up against the wall.

"I then saw Mark lying on the ground motionless, with his arms tucked in and his head tilted to the right inside the bucket".


........I know you shouldn't, but I pissed myself laughing when I conjured up a mental image.

och aye tha poo

An angry estranged wife took revenge on her husband – by feeding him a curry containing dog excrement. Speaking in her defence, solicitor Terry Gallanagh said that the case was like 'an episode of Desperate Housewives' (obviously yet another lawyer off Miss Haversham's bus). 47-year-old Jill Martin pled guilty to the charge of culpable and reckless conduct at Paisley Sheriff Court. The court heard that after serving him the dish on March 13, and watching him as he started eating it, Martin burst out laughing.

If serving shite is now a crime there's a few kebab shops that should be worried

auf weidersen, wets

is it me of has the whole western world turned into a bunch of pansies? I blame The Gays (TM).

Firstly, I hear a that German troops deployed in Afghanistan are not allowed out of their Kabul camp after dark due to the level of violence in the region *insert sausage/lederhosen pun here*

and now Jesse Metcalfe is rushed into rehab after a 4 day bender - its called a bank holiday weekend mate, its up the nose or nothing at all........

its looming for all of us

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqfFrCUrEbY

VOTE MANC

http://www.monopoly.co.uk/vote.aspx

Toffs

Struggled with the Times crossword this week:

Plain type of biscuit (4,6): B _ T _ O _ I _E _

Had to Google it and got the answer. It's Bath Oliver, which apparently is a "well-known" biscuit that was invented by Dr William Oliver of Bath. Dr O was a physician who wanted to come up with a healthy snack for his patients, (much like Mr Kellogg, the wealthy land owner who decided to develop a healthy breakfast for his staff, to keep them healthy and happy in their work). You wouldn't get that nowadays, would you? Your family GP wouldn't spend his spare time working to develop health foods - he'd leave that sort of quackery to that awful hunchback scot off the telly, who claims to be a doctor but is in fact simply a nutritionist with a 'qualification' which she obtained by post. And could you imagine a wealthy land owner - Lord Bath, for instance - devising a nutritious and tasty snack to keep his plebs in order? No. He's too busy auctioning off his family's centuries-old collection of fine art so that he can continue to drive round in vintage sports cars and not get his hair cut.

www.nicecupofteaandasitdown.com

Things I've Learnt This Week

Elephants will stay away from your vegetable patch if you plant chili

Blonde's shouldn't wear yellow

Dermot O'Leary can't go to sleep until he has kissed his bedroom window(oh to be a pane of glass)

Cows wee louder than any other domesticated mammal

Hose piping the hanging baskets just leads to soil everywhere is not a time saving substitute for the watering can (with rose attached)

Using your husbands debit card without his knowledge is not theft or fraud

Antibiotics obtained from the vet work just as well for humans

Cluck Me

Sky Call Centre: So are you calling from Manchester (obviously waiting for their system to load and advised to make small talk in order to sell me more shite)

Evilfairy: Yes

Sky CC: We're in Middleton

EF: Oh, that's not far

Sky CC: no almost neighbours. Are you at work

EF: Yes

Sky CC: Me too

better late than heather (mills)

Yes, yes I was in watching some of Comic Releif (I know Miss Haversham would have been raving on horse tranquilers somewhere in the village; but its horses for courses)

Little Britain!! Jesus, don't get me started. It was always a poor man's Fast Show at best - and there's a good reason they stopped making the Fast Show, great as it was in its day. There's only so much you can do with catchphrase comedy like that. Walliams and Lucas just took the idea, dressed up as women a bit, peppered their sketches liberally with near-the-knuckle 'humour' designed to cause offence as much as mirth, and bludgeoned the nation into submission with the same old tired catchphrases endlessly repeated across two BBC channels. Quite why the country fell for it, I just don't know. History will hopefully remember them as nought but imitators and charlatans. Now get them off my screen, please, and let's have some proper comedy instead of an endless rehash of the same clichéd characters in 'different' sketches.

Whilst I'm on a roll, I loved the 5o0 miles vid (just for the star spotting from my childhood) but for Christs sake Kay there is only much value you can get out of your salt of the earth Bolton Boy Made Good. Get a decent fucking haircut and whilst you're at it a new act. That said loving the re-runs of Phoenix Nights.

Shameless. I'll say. First and Second series were the halcyon days before its decent into mediocrity. They should bow out now and stop flogging a dead horse, but I hear there's another series in production and a fake set built on an industrial park in wythenshawe. The new Corrie?

Is Yorkshire the Greatest? - Surely Not (Don't call me Shirley)

West Yorkshire Council have overturned music festival organisers decision to ban a school from performing 'The Three Pigs' as it might offend Muslims, calling the decision 'barmy'.

Does this mean that Yorkshire (bearing in mind Harrogate have rejected all applications from Tesco to build superstore) is the only sane part of the UK left?

Or perhaps the Councillor was having the age old argument of breadcake/barm cake/muffin.

this is now what we signed up for

Here's my latest update from MI5:

268 historic Security Service files have been released today by the National Archives, adding to the more than 3,000 files already on public display. The majority of the files cover the Second World War, but there are a considerable number of others covering the inter-war and post-war periods.
Highlights include files on the British atom spy Alan Nunn May; the writers W.H. Auden and Christopher Isherwood; the anti-Nazi movement in Germany; and the suspected Communist saboteur John Salisbury.
To read more about these files, please see "National Archives release, 2 March 2007"

what about the black ops, search for Saddam, bumping off media whores? I can only apologise people

antarica only has one atm

who for the chuffing penguins?

no doubt Tesco have hadit installed in readiness for the next Tesco Express. And you wonder why they are on the list.......

so I married an 'axe' murderer

http://www.rokgroup.com/myarea/news.jsp?newsId=242&searchterm=rawtenstall


http://www.highvoltage.org.uk/displaydemoreview.asp?num=128&band=145

especially for veals

www.somethingjewish.co.uk

Post Bag

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,' Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well I can't be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley Remand Centre awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man in the cell with me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on his forehead and is serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder.

S Hymen, Risley Remand Centre


The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the an*s. That's not good luck in my book.

Milos el Standish, Barcelona


I have recently started to m*sturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am g*y, straight or a p*edophile. What do your readers think?
D Barclay

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.

Les Barnsley, Barnsley

£1 a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b#stards.

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria


How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.

Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An*l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger'. I'm
sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.

A Thorne, Sandbach

It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the
living room carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

I see in the papers that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?

Dave Owen, Edinburgh

This Value Added Tax is a rip-off. I was expecting a great deal on a car the other day, and I ended up having to pay an extra 17.5% for it. There is no way that's added value. If anything, I'm about three grand out of pocket.

Jon Cooke, Leicester

The suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?

Magnus, Sheffield

I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can
only dream of.

Mrs Close, Headingley

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor s*ds?

John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods, e-mail

Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds
debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.

Gary Beergut, e-mail

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

I have just spent three hours making custard using Delia's recipe and it's a triumph, in that it tastes just like Bird's Instant.

A.W. Thompson, Email

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great sh*g. Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

How come my gran survived the horrors of the Blitz, but has been so badly traumatised by the clocks going back that she can't stop banging on about it? The stupid whispy-chinned b*tch.

Anon

"I may not be a ladeeeee, but I'm allllll woman"

once said "arh Lisa" from Rochdale



and now so is Lisa Jeynes, from Penarth, Vale of Glamorgan, from Big Brother 2003. Remember her? The moody bitch, who........wait....looked like a man. It seems the judiciary also agree as well with the High Court throwing out her libel claim that "she had been portrayed as a man posing as a woman"

British Justice? Best in the World!

*doffs cap*

Ted Heath warned on cruising!?

I'm sure a good holiday would have done him good................oh

Yes, the worse kept secret EVAH, other than Thomas "Thetan" Cruise being a straight as a roman road, looks finally to be out. Ted "confirmed batchelor" Heath may have been an enemy of Thatcher, but was certainly a friend of Dorothy. A gay member of the London Assembly has claimed that former PM Sir Ted was warned to stop cottaging. Brian Coleman, a gay Tory (oh well there's a thing!)claims that Sir Edward was warned by police to stop cruising for sex as part of a vetting process in 1955. He did, and went on to become Chief Whip under Anthony Eden and then PM later in life

*pictures Ted in the throes*

*shudders*

Leaving a "tip"!?

A man in a restaurant in that London place we hear so much about has cut off his penis in front of bemused diners. Surgeons at the hospital were apparantly UNABLE to reattach it.

Sweet child of mine, if was short of cash he could've just said "I'll owe yer". Either that or perhaps it was a drunken bet gone wrong, but FFS, I'd need a hell of a lot of ale inside me to even contemplate a steak knife coming near my prized marrow aka purple-headed warrior etc [insert psuedonymn here]

They aint no Guiness Breasts

A solicitor has been jailed for 15 months for smuggling cannabis in her bra. Now, to be fair I know the picture isn't that great but it must have been a small stash; her udders don't look that sizeable. I know a bird who can quite easily accomodate a pint of Guiness in her's.

Looooooooook at me!

It appears that Old Spice is trying to do a JK Rowling by turning her "talents" to writing - FFS!

This Booker Price contender is basing her book on characters from her life. Ugenia Lavender is the main character who encounters "interesting" people on her adventures who are based on the ginger whinger's past associates ie Princess Posh Vatoria - hmmmmmmm who could this be. Subtle, Geri, very subtle.

I wonder if at one point Vagina Lavender develops an unhealthy obssession with a superstar popstar who prefers the company of gentlemen, with a perchant fpr wandering through an "enchanted forest" in clapham in the wee hours. No doubt Man-gina will convince herself in her tiny tiny brain that he will "come to his senses" and whisk her off to live happily ever after.

GET OUT!!

Shiny Happy People?

I do love Brave Kylie but FFS woman, TONE DOWN THE BOTOX!! THIS ladies is NOT a waxwork believe it or not!

*applies matt finish make-up*

*tries to frown*

The List - new entry

Restaurant Bar and Grill - the cheeky MoFo's

Soooooooo, I'm in there t'other week with Mr Havs and a few chums (not bum ones) and ale was flowing merrily (although at nearly 4 squid a pint, also cautiously).

As the evening progressed, a certain lady and I began to sing "Don't cry for me Argentina", which is perfectly normal I think. Que, small dicked "waiter" (yes you git, you are no better than a shop boy) came over and said "there's a reason we have CD's on, can you be quiet please". I was utterly struck dumb, which is no easy task I can tell yer.

Needless to say the homophobic MFs have been added and may well have stormed ahead of Vodafone if it wasn't for the fact they do lovely mojitos.

Be warned! Miss H is watching you!

Is there life on Mars?

Maybe not, but I least I know that someone is reading this pile of shit, as Evilfairy and I have had eyebrows raised at the lack of posts - yey!

Watch this space.........

get your own idea wannabe bastards

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPmYbP0F4Zw

they spoil it with the high fives and I was such a better 'bride of thriller' at my wedding to the Hooded Claw

chasing the dragon*

Are pepsi max and quaker snackajacks popcorn made from crack?

*not entirely sure what that means but it was in New Jack City

have you missed me

my many apologies, I have been suffering with consumption over the last month - but fear ye not, I am much recovered and have my own 'list' to bring to your attention....

A man was found dead in the owl cage at Moscow Zoo, wearing nothing but boxer shorts.
The 32-year-old was found in the cage, which is home to a Siberian tawny owl, in a pool of blood with his clothes strewn on the concrete floor. The cause of death is unknown, but could have been related to loss of blood or freezing. The owl is said to be "in a state of shock" and zookeepers have not ruled out that the intruder, who is believed to have been drunk and entered the zoo by climbing the gates, hit his head after an altercation with the bird.....just like a night out in Bolton then

The List

"The List", a compilation of nemesis (is nemei the plural), has been compiled for some months now. Here is a snipit:-

1) Vodafone: for making me be without a phone last year for 2 whole weeks. Quite possibly the worst 2 weeks of my life. No phone FFS!!! And me, a homosexual!! For making be without email for 48hrs last week, and finally for fucking up my download of Madonna's Hung Up video many moons ago - THE HOMOPHOBIC BASTARDS!

2) Lime Bar: shortly before xmas, these down market MFs refused ME entry cos I was wearing trainers. Upon questioning the oaf at the door, he responded "We're tryin' to make it a bit more clubby n' upmarket innit" - You've just rebutted your own statement in one sentence, you fucking mongaloid

3) Not perhaps too PC, (and one of Evilfairy's I hasten to add) but "People in wheelchairs in the City Centre" especially Tesco.

PR Desperation?

With Teflon Tony now less popular than a fart in a lift, Gordie "glass eye" Brown will no doubt be getting under Cherie's feet and measuring up for curtains at Number 10. His public image needs some work however, but FFS Gords is this the best you can do:-

"Chancellor Gordon Brown has allowed a dentist to drill through to deep nerve tissue beneath his teeth without using an anaesthetic.

Mr Brown made the apparently painful decision because he did not want his mouth to freeze up just hours before he was due to deliver a speech"

Oooooooohhhhh nails Gords!! Even though they may now think you're "hard" this does not escape the fact that you have the personality of an amoeba

Sloth Returneth

Regular viewers to this blog (like there are any, other than Evil Fairy) will note that some months ago I developed an eye infection and resembled something from "10 yrs younger" post operation for eye bag removal. Imagine my incandescent rage as a practising and fully paid up member of "The Gays", as I awoke this morning to feel a small sty developing on my upper left eye lid.

Sloth returneth?

Just in time for the weekend as well. WHY DOES GOD HATE ME SO MUCH!!?

oh

I believe in a thing called love?!

Who needs Morrisey anyhoo! Yep, Justin Hawkins wants to win song for Europe and go through to represent Eng-er-land on the 12th May in Finland. A camp glam rocker, winning Eurovision? Surely not!? Well, after these guys beat of Javine et al last year, who knows:-


*waves George Cross, kicks Frenchman*

old folks home

st christine: I looked after the children yesterday and they were watching that sponge bob square pants. I always though he was a piece of cheese.

evilfairy: then why did you think he lives at the bottom of the ocean

st chirstine: I didn't realise that he did

http://www.tongs.org.uk/wiki.pl?JamesHarries

this is what happens when you grow up in a small village. BTW don't put 'curly wogan antiques transsexual' in google at work.

things i learned/experienced in rawtenstall*

1. There is a new Asda** which is frequented by yoofs/hoodies that don't deserve a hug.

2. You have to pay up front in the dentist

3. Never heard of humus let alone point you to the felafel isle

4. Everyone under 20 has four kids and no big coat

Anyhoo the point is if anyone can point me in the direction of a sterling silver pickle fork, preferably in a presentation box please post to this site.

I'm obliged m-lud

* that's rottenstall not raw ten stall as the Father in Law (tm) delights in reminding me

**when I say 'new' its been there a year but you know me, my finger is more near the elbow than the wrist area

Things I learned/experienced in Swindon

• The town centre is frequented by lots of "yoofs" who all sound like Vicky Pollard
• There is a very nice retail outlet park and I bought some nice jeans from the Levi shop
• They have a pound shop and a 99p shop
• Mr Havs and I got called puffs in Boots

As you were.

Eeee-bye-gum, am reet proud I am!

Eccles cakes? Chelsea bun?, Lancashire Hotpot? GET OUT THE LOT OF YER!!

The Yorkshire pudding has been named the nation's favourite regional food. It beat the Cornish pasty and the Melton Mowbray pork pie to come first in its category at the Good Housekeeping food awards. *doffs flat cap and puts ferret down trousers*

Lea & Perrins Worcestershire sauce was named the favourite store cupboard ingredient. You can shove yer Lea & Perrins up th'ass I tell thee. Get some Henderson's Relish darn thee neck - made in Sheffield it is, and old ma' Haversham always brings a good supply on her pilgramage ov-er Pennine's.

Yorkshire rules the world. End of.

Only gay(s) in the village

This weekend Mr Havs and I will be off to see my brother, who currently resides near Chippenham. To say this place is backward is an understatement, when compared to the bright lights, big city of Manchestershire. I am pretty convinced that we will be the only gayers - cue application of fake tan, Attitude tucked under the arm, holding hands, and talk of rimming down the local Tesco's to scare the locals. I shall report back after the weekend..........maybe

*Prays for a fall*

Yep, the wannabe Diana of the noughties, the geordie slaghag Heather Mills-Macca is to appear on "Dancing with the Stars" which is basically the spetic tank's version of "Strictly Come Dancing". Other "dazzling" celebs include Billy Ray Cyrus, Muhammad Ali's daughter Laila, former N'Sync singer Joey Fatone and actor Vincent Pastore - who played Salvatore in The Sopranos. It's great to see the Bush lovin mofo's "over the pond" have just as many Z-lists as us.

Let's hope Billy Ray Cyrus breaks her achey breaky neck, as well as her achey breaky heart

The Queen is dead, long live the Queen

As Anna "car crash" Nicole-Smith shuffles off this mortal plane to be with Howard Marshall, who, I hear you ask, will replace her, as the clearly barking, once "attractive" bint who, let's face it, will probably be brown bread in a year or two?

Step forward, every straight boy's favourite redneck, Ms Shitney Beers.

She is clearly insane if see thinks this syrup [left] is remotely convincing.

Shitney, you ole soak, I reckon this is more your style:-

the moral of the story? Internet shopping

It has oft been said that I should not be let out alone, but at lunch time I ventured forth to New Look to buy some rubbish clothing (spotted an all in one leotard/leggings, i.e. cat suit in
grey marl sweatshirt material) but broke my zip in the changing rooms and was forced to shuffle back to the office clutching my skirt in order that it didn't fall and reveal my new (but slightly garish pink pants. Upon getting back to office I found that there was no one there to assist me and therefore after having a small weep in the toilet (from frustration and self loathing) I managed to get the zip up, although I wasn't wearing the skirt at the time. The struggled
to get the skirt on over my head (again to spare the public the sight of my pants) resulted in feeling flushed and slightly damp.

Imagine my utterly anguish therefore to discovery that MEP Robert Kilroy Silk, that leatherface silver fox lothario (he wishes) has made a formal complaint that M&S are deploying mirrors in their changing rooms that make woman look slimmer. Why aren't New Look doing this and ensuring that even with broken zip and pants out I looked a stunner!

I shall be returning for a full refund........

Adieu and farewell to "tiggy lampost"

A Lincolnshire school has banned physical playground games because pupils were copying violent computer games, making playtime "too rough". FFS!! If I didn't come home from school with a grazed knee or a couple of "war wounds" there would be something wrong. What ever happened to British Bulldog or my own personal favourite during the miners' strike in the 1980s, Pickets or Police. The rules were simple: you were either a picketer or a rozzer. Two distinct and opposing groups thus formed, and would set about kicking the shit out of each other. End of.

The ban at St John's Primary at Bracebridge Heath near Lincoln involves contact playground games like "tag" and "kiss chase" - how the frig is kiss chase violent?!! What kind of pupils do they have in Lincoln eh; clones of Peter Sutcliffe!?!

You can't wrap the little mites in cotton wool!! I weep for the future, I really do. We are gonna turn into a nation of cowards if we're not careful. We may as well all live here:-

that's the last time I have goulash

I've just heard from Huw Fairly Whittingtaff on the 10pm news that Bernard Mannings poultry has been infected with man flu by the hungarians. If its not the French (filthy race) its the bleeding Huns.

holy mary mother* of god

A school headteacher is under fire for banning pupils from making Mother's Day cards to avoid upsetting children without a mother. Helen Starkey, 46, fears the time-honoured tradition of making a Mother's Day card at school could be seen as insensitive. As a result, the headteacher of Johnstown Primary School, in Carmarthen, west Wales, simply banned pupils from making cards. But the move was branded as "ridiculous" by one angry parent who has accused her of being insensitive to the majority of youngsters at the 357-pupil school. Mrs Starkey claims she has nothing against Mother's Day (there speaks a barren bint), which falls on March 18 this year, but would not allow pupils to make cards during lessons. "More than 5% of children here are separated from their birth mother and have either no contact or no regular contact with their mother," she said in a statement. "These include children who are bereaved, children whose parents are separated and are not domiciled with their mothers, and children who have been removed from parental care by statutory bodies. In all of our dealings with these children, we have to exercise great sensitivity." She added: "This decision was not taken because of any philosophical attitude towards the celebration of Mothering Sunday, but to protect a significant number of children in our school." But the decision has come in for strong criticism.
One parent, who did not wish to be named, said: "It means 95% of the children have not got an opportunity to make a card. I take issue with the fact that Mothering Sunday is a Christian festival and Mrs Starkey is not allowing children to celebrate in the way they know how."
She added: "This is ridiculous, they will have to ban Father's Day as well, just to be politically correct. Where is this going to end?" I'll tell yer sweetheart....rivers of blood


*no 'daffodil' for you luvvy made from a bit of egg box and some tissue paper

the world has gone cunting mad


http://www.amcr.org.uk/

It leaves your hair looking wonderfully soft and thick!!

Hari's, an "exclusive" hair salon in Knightsbridge, London has taken to using bull's semen as a hair treatment. The mixture is massaged into the client's hair after it has been shampooed. Then the customer is put under a steamer so the treatment penetrates the hair. Finally, it is blow-jobed, er I mine dried. FFS!!!

The semen is taken from bulls on a Cheshire farm apparantly - yeah right!! I can just imagine Farmer Giles knocking one out whilst reading the Daily Sport, bottling it and then sending it to some poncy twat in that London place for a small fortune. Good on yer I say fella!!

And for those who can't afford this "exclusivity"? ............get your blokey to cum in yer hair.

*makes mental note to speak to Mr Havs*

Imagine if you were a dog........

I may or not have been alerted to this by Holy Moly, but regardless of this, please enjoy. Made me weep........with laughter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fl6jfOEPJGk